Call from the Vice-Principal -- "Kill"
On Thursday, DH gets a call from the vice-principal at SD15 high school.
SD15 was heard by several people to say something about "killing" another girl, someone she dislikes. The kids reported her to the school and SD15 got called in to veep's office. (Sd's defense: it was just a joke! Bm's defense, too.)
I'm out of my mind thinking this is a terrible incident, how horrifying to have a kid who gets called in, and how horrifying to have a kid who says such things to other girls at school. I'm thinking it's a big deal and my mind is racing on how to handle it. I'm also thinking--but not saying--"See, dh! It's not just me! Her behavior is NOT ok! People in the real world find it awful, too!" (If it were my own kid, I would do a scorched earth program)
Knowing how painfully gentle his approach to parenting is, though, I come up with an idea I think even he will find doable. I suggest having her write an essay with 3 parts: 1. Why I don't like this girl 2. Why this girl doesn't like me 3. How I could have handled it better. I tell him this way you'll both learn a lot about her thinking and you'll also get her to think about what her behavior might look like to others and how she may be causing her own problems.
He says that's sounds great and he's gonna do it. She arrives Friday (less than 24 hours after the incident) all chipper and chatty, not a shred of an inkling that she might be in trouble or the slightest embarrassment at all. She proceeds to tell us about a brand new story from that day of going out of her way to intervene in a small spat one of her guy friends was having with his on again/off again girlfriend. SD15 gets in the girl's face defending the boy.
The other girl is so upset by SD15's behavior that she says, "Get away from me! If you don't get away from me, I'll call the police!" Does SD15 think "Oh, dear, I better back off, don't wanna go to veep's office again?" Oh. No. Instead she stands her ground, "What are the police gonna do? I'm not threatening you. I'm just telling you blah blah.""Get away from me!" the other girl responds more. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
I'm sitting at the table as she's telling this story going out of my mind. Dh does speak up, "Hey, daughter, considering what just happened--" She cuts him off, "Stop! I've already heard it 30 times! I'm sick of it!" (Me about to pop a vein)
Dh finished what he was saying but then the conversation just moved on. He later tells me he's going to talk to her about all this stuff and the essay on Sunday morning when they have their alone time at the cat shelter.
Ok. I keep my mouth shut. Sunday morning comes and goes. Sunday afternoon comes and goes. He's gotten her her favorite treats, more than once. Gives her treats she notices laying around that happen to be mine because she asked for them. (He's usually quite protective of my personal things but he really thought I didn't care about these--my real point is he is denying her nothing, even the extras.) We drop her off Sunday night.
No essay. No talking to. No punishment of any kind. No acknowledgement that she's bullying other girls. Not even that she needs guidance in how to handle herself. No shame that she got herself called in. Plus, this all comes on top of her truancy and flunking issues.
No one tells you how exhausting, draining, and plain infuriating it is to be a step-parent. I am just stunned.
Damn straight. What
Damn straight.
What astonishes me so is that he gets this kind of outside feedback but he still does not get it that she is unpleasant and needs help in learning how to behave. He'd rather see it as his role to be the one that likes her. WTF???!!!!
wow... DH doesn't have the
wow...
DH doesn't have the bullying issue, but he has the bad grades issue. What does he do? Doesn't monitor homework and takes her to a concert... um... really?
I would have sold the concert tickets... too bad so sad. get your grades up.
I stopped giving advice 2yrs ago. Even when he point blank asks my opinion, I say nothing. meh.
not my kid, don't care how she ends up.
I feel for you with the denying of nothing though. It is so tough.
I'm seriously considering
I'm seriously considering taking that path. Protect my own personal boundaries, but just excuse myself from discussions of her. He wants my advice but how can I take this insanity any more.
Well, when she was 13 she
Well, when she was 13 she elbowed me in the ribs hard twice. Using her right arm to make extra force on her left elbow to my ribs. I should have shot out of my chair and raised a huge ruckus but I was in what I like to call "actual medical shock."
She also scratched, hit, and kicked and otherwise tormented her little brother regularly until I put a stop to it. Yeah, shock again. Until I snapped out of it finally and acted like the adult I am.
I often wonder what she's capable of. I'd like to say "no, not capable" simply because of the planning and effort required, at least. But, not really sure.
Had her in therapy last year. A complete waste of time. It will never happen again until she's adult and she seeks it out herself. (I think therapy is great--just happened to get a lousy one. Where was Jeannette!!?!?!?!)
Why does she have "enemies" at school? Why doesn't she just walk away from high conflict, unpleasant kids? Oh. Because SHE is the high conflict, unpleasant kid.
Yes, I was absolutely
Yes, I was absolutely thinking about how dh (and BM, too!) would handle this Sd had the roles of the girls been reversed. Highly differently, I can assure you.
Also, about schools getting all police state these days I thought about that all weekend, too. I realized that if the other kids thought sd was just making an offhand remark that can be heard any day at the mall, I don't think they would have all reported her.
I think she was being intimidating and domineering and maybe getting physical, personal space invasion etc, when she said it. I have seen this behavior so I know it comes to her easily. Can't really see the other kids dragging in the front office unless they were upset.
Yes. Definitely thinking
Yes. Definitely thinking about this.
Abso-friggin'-lutely. That is
Abso-friggin'-lutely. That is it exactly. It's like a full time job just handling my own emotions over the spectacle that unfolds every day.
She's already getting
She's already getting consequences from the outside. I would have died a thousand deaths if I had been called into the vice principal's office at any point in my public school career. She's also gotten letters about her truancy. Fs. Any number of things that support my own concerns about her and that seem like extreme red flags and that any other parent would find extremely upsetting.
BM makes excuses for her. (the other girl was basically asking for it, she's a troublemaker) Dh is upset for about 10 minutes then forgets. And SD15 just gets more confident.
She's lucky the other girl
She's lucky the other girl isn't my kid. I'd be pressing charges & demanding a PO to get your SD out of the school.
I know. BM probably would
I know. BM probably would have done the same exact thing if SD had been on the receiving end of this behavior.
In fact, last year bm had some odd incident at work wherein a woman co-worker playfully "choked" on her for a moment. Other people were around. No one was angry. The woman was a friend who liked her a lot. It truly was some kind of jesting behavior. Not defending it, just saying there was no actual fear or intimidation on anybody's part. BM was not hurt nor harmed in any way.
BM filed a complaint with HR and I think the lady got fired or put on probation or something. Can't remember exactly what happened to her but do remember BM filing the complaint and the HR taking action.
Oh those weak and gullible
Oh those weak and gullible men willing to believe all kinds of pretty lies their manipuiative daughters tell them... I have no idea how they come to be like that because at work they are able to make executive decisions and function under pressure and act responsibly and pro-actively... but when a child of theirs has an agenda to push they immediately assume the position of a total push-over... basically, they are like three monkeys who cannot see, or speak or hear anything - wilfully blind to reality.
With my DH the issue was not skids' school work or grades or behaviors towards others, it was more often than not terms of his engagement with them. Every single time they pushed their own terms down his throat, and later demanded special treatment; and when they did not get it, would sulk and pout and avoid him, and tell him that i had hurt their fee fees by not agreeing that their interests were the only ones that matter --- and he went along with it for a while! Bought it hook, line and sinker... would tell me that i don't even understand what kind of hurt i had caused. I was in the same state you are in - ready to pop a vein. What kind of a nether world is that? Twilight zone - you cannot see straight? If you prefer to stay there in the shadows where they dictate what's good what's bad i am out.
After a few memorable fights we worked things out, but once in the heat of things we were throwing ( minor) things at each other. The set up was the same as yours: i get it that you don't want to believe that your offspring is god-awful but you better face facts now than pay later. Of course it was pretty much too late... but DH did wake up from his narcissistically inspired delusions of perfection.
"Netherworld" -- damn that is
"Netherworld" -- damn that is a perfect capture of what it is. Shadows, ghouls, scalding bubbles of lava. And always the sense of mysterious doom and being lost.
At least my DH has never accused me of "causing hurt." I don't know how you survived that. I think my gasket might have blown me right out the door. You must have some pretty damn impressive self control.
Screw the essay. "I will not
Screw the essay.
"I will not behave or speak towards others in a threatening manner. Criminal and violent threats and behaviors are indicative of low class idiots of no character and I will not burden the members of my community or embarrass my family by behaving in this manner ever again. I will think before I open my mouth."
10,000 times. In perfect hand writing, perfect grammar, and at a pace of 100 per hour for every free moment she has. She gets no breaks for going to the toilet so if she has to go she better push and wipe with vigor and get back to writing. She gets 15 minutes to eat at meal times but must still write 75 sentences during the meal hour. If she misses one hourly quota, has one miss spelling, one grammar error, or one messy letter the count zeros and the 10,000 starts over.
That will get her attention, keep her focused on the behaviors that resulted in the punishment, and will make a notable negative impact on her teen experience.
If she gets belligerent about the sentences then DH takes a hammer to her I-phone and confiscates her wardrobe replacing it with a single Little House on the Prairie dress that she can wear to school every day until the 10,000 are complete. If she does not like sentence see how she responds to total social/public humiliation in addition to the sentences.
That is what I would do and I would be absolutely militant about holding DH to continue to force SD's nose to the grindstone.
Sentences work. Combined with total social/public humiliation they work even better.
Have fun.
Rags, I will pay your first
Rags, I will pay your first class airfare and put you up in a five star hotel if you will come out here and take my dh out for a beer. Have a man to man talk with him. Tell him how successful your ss is now and what he was otherwise on track for (his bd's clan) if he had not had the benefit of your parenting. Use the secret passwords you menfolk use with each other. Oh, please, what a day dream, I would love it so much.
The prairie dress idea is the freakin' best! Love it!
Lovely, lovely, lovely thoughts!!!!
I still go through this with
I still go through this with my SS12 almost 13. At the end of thr school year last year.he wa slamming a kids head into a locker then the kids friend gets In my ss12 face and pushs, not slaps but pushs my SS face so he (my ss) procedes to slam the kid on thr floor and pummel him. He get sispended for the rest of the year. It was all on video which.my wife watched with myself,the principal, the vice principal and his counselor. I agreed with the staff and my was was.left on her own and fending this fat violent kid. That was a very odd conversation wheny wife still cpuldnt see her mini husband was at fault. Fast forward to this year. He has been suspended twice and has haf three detentions for asking a teacher "you stepping to me" and most recently shoving a kid last week. All of which mini husband has had excises made for him bywife.a few months back he came at me for thw third time so I put him in a rear naked choke(not fully. Dont mess with dad who used to do MMA) after that I made it known to him next time I will record and.send him to juvie for assult. His mom is such an enabler it sucks. Its hard because my bio 12 son is a 4.0, student and an all star in two sports. So I guess my xwife and I did something right.
Congratulations on raising
Congratulations on raising your own successful child. Bravo. So much more pleasant to have a kid like that. Don't why these other parents prefer to have these holy terrors.
Your stepson sounds like he's aiming for the big leagues. Hope your wife likes mug shots, she's going to have a collection of them to put in her son's scrapbook.
BTW, what does the "you stepping to me" comment me? Sounds regional or something. Is it like "meet me outside?"
I think you have my step
I think you have my step daughter reincarnated ~ my SD is still the same at 21.
Her target was my daughter for a good year at school ~ principal called all parents involved. I went APE SHIT on the lazy discipline from the school ~ DF ignored it n BM spiked it more.
I guess I was the only adult ~ SD said her issue was my dd had her clothes ~ brought the clothes to school the next day n you got it. Those clothes sat in his office till the very last day.
SD continued her bullshit with vandalizing my home , ( threw eggs at my house ) , toilet papered out house & trees wrote vulgar statements on my car windows. ( all on Mischief night ~ so she wouldn't get caught ) n immature douchebag
Still the same at 21?!
Still the same at 21?! Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!
DH has supported my statement that at age 18 I will start treating her like an adult. That means if you can't be pleasant and courteous in my home YOU DON'T GET ALLOWED IN. Sometimes it is this promise that is the only thing that gets me through the day.
No way is any 21 year old acting like that around me. I don't know how he thinks on her 18th birthday she's suddenly going to wake up with a work ethic, a goal, a generous and loving heart, and the skills to take on the world without Dad's complete support ($$$$$) but that is not MY problem. Teach her now, buddy, or say good-bye to one or the other of us in 2 1/2 years.
She has been banned from MY
She has been banned from MY home since she was 17 ~ she did that shit at 18.
Not crossing my threshold if/when an apology crosses her lips ~ so you know I have better chance of growing a penis !
Yes, for the last 3 days I've
Yes, for the last 3 days I've done the listen and nod method of Stepmother Sanity Preservation.
You make a good point about defending myself physically from her. She hasn't done that in about 2 years but I still feel traumatized by it. She seems to have reached her full height by now or very close to it and she's still at least 3 inches shorter than me. You're right. I will draw myself full height and make sure SHE's the one who feels scared. Next step will be 9-1-1. Let's start getting this on record.
Though this may not have been
Though this may not have been a big deal in our day, we are in different times! With bullying, cyberbullying, kids coming to school with guns and shooting up the place, etc., schools have had to adopt a no tolerance policy. Yeah, it may seem to be overboard at times, but if they ignored everyone who said they were going to kill someone because they thought it was a figure of speech or they were joking, in this day and age they would end up with more than one dead student on their hands because there are more of those out there who would actually do it that there were in our day. Of course, a lot of this goes back to the stuff we steps come to this site to complain about every day...entitlement, lack of parenting, etc. More and more kids are beginning to think they are above the rules and the law! I know in my day, the mere thought of my parents kicking my ass (I got my butt busted, my mom would slap me for lying or mouthing off, and my stuff would get taken away in a heartbeat...what little I was allowed) kept me out of trouble. Same could be said for most the kids I knew. Yeah, we still did stupid crap, but the big stuff...oh hell no! Take our parents' booze or get into their guns? Hell, we were taught from day one that touching ANYTHING of our parents' would get our arses beat! Our parents set clear boundaries...they didn't care about being our friends!
But today, it seems so many parents are more concerned about being friends than being parents. Yeah, there were still a few of these in our time, but not as many as today. I had one friend...it was just her and her mom. She could go into her mom's room and take clothing, makeup, perfume, etc. whenever she wanted. I remember thinking how strange this was, as I hadn't even seen the inside of my parents' room unless they happened to leave the door open as they ran in to get something! That was their room...their private space...and it was always off limits to me! And that is how I raised my bios...my room was my space. But that is NOT how HHB has been raised! It used to infuriate me when DH would call HHB into our room to discuss something with her or send her into our room to get something for him off his nightstand!!
All this "being friends" bullcrap is turning kids into entitled brats! And, if they don't get their way, well SOMEONE is going to pay! We need to get back to the days of busting arses, saying no, setting boundaries, and taking crap away! I've said it multiple times on these boards...there is plenty of time to be friends with your kids when they are adults! I'm great friends with my bios now, and they thank me for busting their butts, setting boundaries, and teaching them to be responsible people...as they are seeing the fruits today of it all. They also see how HHB is with her lack of parenting (as they know I get shut down every time with that girl)! At least I've raised two adults who will parent the same way they were parented, because they have seen what happens when one doesn't!
Good points, all. For me, a
Good points, all. For me, a key thing in what happened at my SD15's school is that skid's confrontational, aggressive remarks were not overheard or witnessed by an adult. The other kids involved in the incident went to the administration and pro-actively asked for the adults' help.
To me this says SD15's actions were ugly indeed. If it had been some playground remark like "oh, take a long walk off a short pier," none of the kids would have really noted it. But I believe that the other kids wanted to turn to an adult because SD15 was acting so aggressive they really felt upset. And, damn straight, if the school had not intervened then SD15 would absolutely have upped the ante and we'd be hearing about some later incident down the road because it would be so big it could not be ignored. And if it then came out that some kids had complained about her earlier but school did nothing there would be hell to pay.
Yet when BM first told "her" version of what happened it was all the other girl's fault, she's a known troublemaker, and the school knew it didn't amount to anything and didn't "really" care. No, bm. The "known troublemaker" is sd15 and the school DID care very much.
Kids don't always properly
Kids don't always properly respond to bullying or mean kids. By properly, I mean they do not always do what the adults in their lives have instructed them to do. They are kids and immature and react according to their maturity and temperament.
DH has told the skids multiple times that 1) Bullying is wrong and unacceptable, and 2) if you are being bullied, be sure to report it to a teacher/principal. PigPen (12) has had quite a few problems in school. All of BioHo's offspring have her nasty, very short temper. Last month, some kid was razzing PigPen about something. Instead of walking away, PigPen started punching the other kid. Naturally, he got suspended for 3 days. DH didn't find out about it until late that afternoon (he works nights/sleeps until 1-2pm). When he finally returned BioHo's 37 missed calls (yes, THIRTY-SEVEN), she was screaming into the phone about WTH didn't he answer the phone because she needed him to go to the school and talk to the principal RIGHT NOW.
DH told her 1) Stop screaming or I'm hanging up. 2) You know I work nights. I was sleeping. 3) PigPen knows fighting is wrong. If he was being bullied, he should have walked away and reported it. There is NO excuse for him STARTING a fistfight or ANY fight. 3) I have NO rights to talk to the principal about this. PigPen is not my bio and you made sure in court that I have no rights to ANYTHING in regards to him. You've also told me countless times I have no say in anything but you are "graciously" allowing him to visit me with his half-brother. When he comes here next time, I will remind him again of what he should and shouldn't do. School is YOUR problem. Handle it. Goodbye.
SD15 is certainly immature.
SD15 is certainly immature. She does not even know how to respond to gestures of friendliness. She walks around with a chip on her shoulder alternating with her "shy" shrinking Violet persona. If you ask me she is only "shy" when she isn't sure if she can dominate. She's very happy when she can dominate. If I were in high school at the same time as she I would avoid her like the plague. Seems most kids do. But once she gets her bearings, she can't resist being aggressive and showing who's boss.
PrincASS15 is "shy". IMHO,
PrincASS15 is "shy". IMHO, ridiculously so in some areas. We went to McDonald's the other week. PrincASS expected DH to order for him, but he wanted it "specialized". DH ordered straight from the menu. PrincASS was whispering "Dad, dad, no mustard, onions or pickles!! Dad I only want ketchup. Dad!" DH doesn't hear well (courtesy of Desert Storm) and never heard him. We get back in the car (went in so we could use the restroom) and PrincASS immediately starting beeyotching that he HATES mustard and it's THE most HORRIBLE CRAP in the UNIVERSE...blah blah blah. DH told him that he needed to order it himself next time. DH and I were discussing at home later after the skids were gone and I (psych major) told him that he wasn't doing PrincASS any favors by catering to his "shyness" but was, in fact, enabling PrincASS to continue to be that way. He looked at me with his mouth hanging open and said "By God, you're right. He can order his own damn food next time."