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A guy's perspective... am I reading too much into stuff????

Newbie_step's picture

Submitted by Newbie_step on Wed, 10/05/2011 - 8:48pm

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Step/Bio Father's Den

To make a long story short.... this is my second marriage... I have two boys one 16 and the other 19. I got married when I was 17... yeah... thought I knew it all.... LOL... well I married early this year... April... the guy is great... he has one son that just turned 10. The problem... I knew he was a wonderful father but now I am thinking he's over compensating for his childhood. We are going through an evaluation because his ex is a Narcissist and has major issues, they both have shared custody... one week here at home .. one week at his mom's. I love his son but it has become more apparent that he lives his life according to his son. I don't.. not even when I was a single mom.. I had a great relationship with my ex.. and my boys are pretty normal with no major issues. His son acts like a 6 year old and constantly whines... and manipulates his dad... I finally got him to use his own bathroom and two weeks later his begs his daddy to take a shower in our shower. My husband puts him to bed lays in the bed with him and treats him like he's five or six. I raised both my boys with discipline and respect.. until recently his son was still sleeping in our bed... I am a girl... with girl parts and I am incredible uncomfortable with this... he finally stopped it. I am miserable when he's here ... I mean I started staying later at school (I am a teacher) to get home later. He says things like (I promised.... that we would go.... this weekend) and when I am not my usual happy self he asks why? I tell him that I just wished he would talk to me before making his son promises. If I am going to cook something he wonders if his son will like it. When we pick his son up on Sundays he asks him what do you want for dinner? I am sitting in the car.... it becomes about what his son wants.. if we go do groceries he walks ahead with his son putting his arm around him. If we are sitting together at a restaurant and I get up to go to the bathroom when I come back I have to sit in the empty seat. I get home from work and he doesn't have a friend over... we can't even watch a movie because he interrupts ups every few minutes saying how bored he is. If we run into people and we are talking he constantly interrupts ... I don't know I am really scared that our marriage will be over if he gets primary custody. If he's son is home he wants to eat constantly out of boredom of course. I sometimes feel that it's all in my head. I have spoken to him about this issue and how my life can not revolve around his ten year old son.
We went to a game at my school and he was hanging all over his son. I felt like I was there by myself.
Guys am I being a selfish bitch??

Newbie_step's picture

Submitted by Newbie_step on Wed, 10/05/2011 - 9:04pm

Thanks!!! I mean he is a great guy... I am crazy about him ...When we met it was awesome... I even had the conversation the night before our wedding... I mean it seems he gets it at times but the others... I just become more and more frustrated... at him... the week his son is here I know I am not myself... and I hate it. I am usually fun.. happy go lucky... I see the cup half full... he finally gave his son more chores to do around the house... then he thinks it's cute when he does them... :O :O :O :O :O

Doubletakex3's picture

Submitted by Doubletakex3 on Wed, 10/05/2011 - 9:50pm

Frankly, I'd be very creeped out by it. I can understand some level of affection between them but it sounds like there are no boundaries. You should be the primary recipient of affection, it's sending bizarre signals to the kid making you feel like a third wheel in your marriage. And, I wonder how the boy's friends would react if they saw them...I'm guessing he'd be made fun of.

Seems like some parents have a hard time transitioning styles as the kids age and I can't help but hypothesize that it stunts maturity in the kid.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 8:43am

Here's my compilation (after about five years of informal research) of how to tell if you have a guilty daddy; I say "more than one? RUN!!!"

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries

I should add number "12" to the list; biodad is quick to whip out the "you don't like my children" or "my children don't like you" or "my children are scared of you"

Which really means that you see through his kid's antics whereas he is unwilling to do so for fear of "losing" his children to the (usually) PASinator BM

Newbie_step's picture

Submitted by Newbie_step on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 3:59pm

Thanks for all of your comments.... going down Auteur list I am somewhat relieved that not all apply to my husband... I feel and it has come up with friends that I have met after meeting him that he over compensates because of his own relationship with his dad... He says that his son is like that because of the issues with the BM... she pretty much let's him have soda everyday... ice cream whenever he wants and says things about me ... my pets are second rate step pets to him and I am not part of the family because according to him he can only talk about certain things with "family". I mean yes he is in the middle of her craziness but he uses it to his advantage and the fact that at this point there's no communication between them... he manipulates his dad to the max... the point of him and the friends.. well he has a hard time making them and keeping them unless they are willing to do only what he wants to do. He wants to play what he wants to play only... I mean there are issues with his psycho BM ... but how many kids go through so much more and they are not manipulators??? my own.. we went through a tough separation but their dad is an amazing man... so no big issues nor did we use the children against each other. I mean he hears me sometimes and I know I am not my usual self when his son is here.. I am very happy go lucky.. I am usually smiling and when he's here I feel dimmed. :O :O :O