I don't understand how BM can act like this
I need help sorting out my feelings with regard to my SS17's BM's behavior. BM is an absolute (pardon my language) bitch and has been causing issues in my household ever since I married DH. DH had custody of SS19 until he turned 18 and SS17. SS17 still lives with us but SS19 has moved away to school. DH was injured and disabled by a hit and run accident 2 1/2 years ago and is currently being retrained because he couldn't perform the functions necessary in his then current job.
Every birthday, anniversary, holiday, BM causes some sort of drama. What is truely sick is whole situation that SS17 actively participating in the drama while lying to us about his involvement. The latest is my SS17 talking to his mother, then going to school, and screaming at his guidance counselor how abused he was because we made him do homework, wash his own clothes, and wash dishes with the rest of the family. When his guidance counselor told him that this was not abuse, he told her that he did not want to go home and that he would kill himself if she made him. This landed him in a padded cell for 3 days.
I know that the BM most likely had something to do with this. One time I walked in the living room when my SS was talking to his BM on speakerphone and caught the BM telling SS if he didn't like how he was being treated he could always call CPS.
The question I am having trouble understanding is why would a mother, any decent mother, torment and cause pain to a woman who is entirely responsible for taking care and providing a stable home for her child full time considering:
(1) I am the only person working. SS is entirely dependent on me for all of his needs because DH is not working and BM won't work/pay child support. SS lives in my home which I bought prior to the marriage to DH. All the clothes that are in SS's closet, I paid for. All the activities SS participates in, I pays for. I pay for everything. I even provide the damn phone he calls her on to complain about DH and I. I can't remember the last time BM sent SS anything - no birthday, no christmas, no I was just thinking about you, nothing...
(2) DH and I are responsible for parenting SS and have contact with SS all the time. BM has not exercised her visitation rights with SS since 2009.
Sorry about the venting... I am having a hard time coping with this behavior.
Because it's her way of still
Because it's her way of still having some control. I'm sure she feels like a real loser deep down since she's not visiting or supporting her son in any way.
I just got a really good book, Parenting Your Out of Control Teenager. It has a lot of good suggestions. Is SS in counseling? I would suggest some sessions where this can be aired. You can always threaten to send him to her, too.
Oh, I feel your pain...I have
Oh, I feel your pain...I have similar issues with SS13 and SD14. For my kids it's unfortunate that they grew up in this drama dn think it's ok, especially the SD. I to am the main breadwinner. My income alone is more than my DH and BM combined and she hates it. The BM's parents even told me once that I should be putting propane in her fuel tank for the winter...with her parents supporting this kind of entitlement and craziness it's no wonder BM and the Skids are messed up.
My SS13 usually good level headed kid, had a mini-breakdown at his BM's and said he couldn't come home and function because of all the arguing at our house...this happened after we picked him up and he forgot his homework and had failed to do his homework. He didn't like that we pointed out that this was irresponsible, so when he goes back into his BM's house he flips out. What we found out later is that he didn't take his ADHD meds, had been up since 4:30am, had 2 cappucinos, 5 soda's, a multitude of sugary snacks and spent the day with BM at work so they could "bond". It was 7:00pm and he was worn out and coming down from a sugar high.
We did have a rough patch...my husband had thyroid issues and was grouchy and sleeping all the time for about 2 months which made things rough and we got that corrected. He had just spent a weekend of her asking about his feelings and pointing out how her house is so harmonious.
Your SS can pay for his own phone. I'd take something every time he gripes or make him do a chore, it works on mine...well maybe it doesn't work but they are much less verbal about it.
the truth is that she does
the truth is that she does not actually give a shit about her kids. feeling like she can control the situation and causing grief for her percieved enemy (you) is more important than her kids. it sucks but that's the truth.
Oh I totally agree with you
Oh I totally agree with you Madam Hedgehog.....My SD10 does not live with us fulltime..but my DH and I drive 1 1/2 hours one way to get her and the same back, BM drives 6 minutes and refuses to drive any further..SD has her own bedroom with us, her own bathroom, her own clothes..her own bike..everything she needs we have, my DH pays Child Support and it's alot of money.. BM complaints..puts us down and is just plain evil.. she will not do anything for the benefit of my SD..everything she does is selfish and evil..
Z
i feel your pain too, skids
i feel your pain too, skids are resident with us but she continues to exercise control over this household, and enables the kids playing us all off, sick of it!! I look after her 8yr old daughter fulltime and she can pass me by and not even acknowledge me. Stupid cow!!
I think you answered your own
I think you answered your own question when you said "why would any decent mother", this woman is not a decent human being let alone a decent mother! I feel for you! If SS17 thinks he is being abused at your home tell him he is free to go live with BM. I guarantee you neither BM or SS would want this and that is where your power lies. We did this with my SS at 15 and believe me he came running back and the drama didn't stop, but it was reduced to a manageable level! The message to both BM and SS has to be that you will not allow them to disrupt your home...period.