How to deal with EVERYDAY BM drama?
Hello everybody, I just joined so apologies if I haven't quite gotten the hang of it yet. I'll try to make my question pretty brief without divulging tons of details. My question is, how do you stepmoms out there cope with BM drama that happens on a daily basis. In my situation DH (hope I got that term right lol) is currently going through a custody battle, its been going on almost 8 months now and we FINALLY have the final trial set for next month. Anyways, from the very beginning BM has caused drama daily, texting, calling, showing up, calling the police, arguing during pickups, and etc. Due to my own personal problems I've never been able to cope with large amounts of stress and am definitely not equipped to deal with large amounts of drama. I've read tons of things on the internet that say to ignore it and it's only effecting me as much as I let it and although I agree it's easier said than done. As much as I hate to admit it, I am letting her crazy take over my life. I feel as if theres no aspect of my life that her crazy has crept into. I can stay mad over something she says or does for day. It's pretty pathetic actually. I'm hoping you more experienced stepmoms out there can give me some good advice. Thanks a bunch!
Exactly. Very good advice.
Exactly. Very good advice. Make sure you guys are documenting EVERYTHING. Dates/times/what is said/done. This is another reason why it is good to do all things in writing.
Google Parallel Parenting. That's the way to go with nutters like that. But your DH has to be strong and not waver from this stance. She WILL get worse but eventually will back off.
You probably should talk to your DH as well and tell him how this is affecting you negatively and you don't want to know about BM drama unless it pertains to you (how it pertains to you will be your decision. Some only care about what happens financially. Some want to know about schedules and such. Your call).
That's one thing we've been
That's one thing we've been very good at. We document absolutely everything as well as back it up with recordings (it's ok for us to do this in our state, we've already checked). If she says she took him to the doctor or hospital we call them and verify. So far, theres been three times that she claimed to have taken him to the doctor but really didn't, resulting in him missing school for no reason. She's a pathological liar and we've been able to prove her wrong countless of times in court because of our careful documentation. Just last night she claimed that SS left without a jacket, we were able to prove her wrong because we took a picture of him before he left for visitation. We found out that she had actually taken the jacket and hidden it inside her apartment. She also claimed that my DH told SS to say he didn't love her, but guess what? We have it on recording that he did not do so. YAY for proving crazy bitches wrong
DH and BM were never married,
DH and BM were never married, although I blame him too, she tricked him into getting her pregnant after 2 months of dating. We are going to put strict communication guidelines into the parenting plan even though I know that will not make a difference. I didn't include a lot of details in my original post but things have changed drastically since DH and I first met, before I came there were absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. I started pushing for ground rules and boundaries and since then she's become crazier and crazier. Now, when she calls, we do not answer. We try to only reply to her texts if we must. Because we are currently going through a custody battle the communication lines need to stay open. I can't even tell you how many times we've told her NOT to contact unless its an emergency, she never listens. You would think that not answering her phone calls and text messages would make her stop but it doesn't. One time she called 14 times in a row and then texted afterwards. She's a whole different kind of crazy. I will have to talk to DH about the trespassing issue because just this week she entered our house without permission and refused when he told her not to.
I agree with everything
I agree with everything posted above. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case with our BM. It has been over 3 years and she has just recently calmed down the crazy for a bit.
3 years?!?!?! D: I can't....
3 years?!?!?! D: I can't....
Get a heavy bag, some boxing
Get a heavy bag, some boxing gloves, and picture of the BM taped right in the center of bag. Helps relieve stress, makes you feel better, and no jail time for you. And meerkat is right, but sadly some BM's just want to start shit with their exes for any number of reasons. And that's where the punching bag comes in handy...and wine, wine is good.
Liquor and lots of it.
Liquor and lots of it. Sorry, it's all I got today.
Funny, because I had to have
Funny, because I had to have a drink before visitation exchange yesterday because I was so strung out.
I know what you are going
I know what you are going through emotionally. I'm not very good at letting things go much to DH's dismay.
BM threatened me physically several times, she mailed me a letter theatening to burn my house down, in the course of a year she texted me upwards of 2000 times and she called me over 300 times and would hang up. I had her number blocked so she would use other peoples phones and block her number and call me. Eventually I found an app that unblocked those numbers so I was able to prove that it was her. Eventually after the letter threatening to burn my house down I went to the police and got a no contact order and threatened to file harassment charges and she left me alone.
She was still very very very crazy with DH. Just recently a judge ordered for them to use the our family wizard website. She's still crazy however we know that the courts can see it if necessary and because of that she limits a bit what she says.
I still deal with this emotionally all the time even though she doesn't direct her rage at me anymore. SHe's completely PAS'd SD against me and SD hates me. SD even told me the other day that BM wants to hit me with her car. SD is 3. It's a shame and I hate every aspect of my life in that regard but I dearly love DH and he is the best step dad I could ever hope or imagine for.
Someone once on here told me to imagine BM as a dog trapped in a car barking at people who passed by. Just bitching and carrying on for no other reason than because you are in the dogs space. I still do that when she flies off the handle. Just a dog in a car barking and making a fool out of herself. DH also uses the phrase give her the rope and let her hang herself frequently too.
It doesn't get better at least in my experience. I would suggest the our family wizard website though as that will be the only way your DH and BM will be allowed to communicate. No more texts, no more phone calls, etc. It will limit the crazy.
I'm sorry you too are going through this. It is really really hard dealing with someone like that. It is mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. It's hard to just stay in the mind frame that it doesn't bother you. I know personally I can't do that. She fills up way to much space in my head and then that just makes me feel worse because I've let her invade my life. Luckily for me DH is squarely on my side (now - it took a couple years) and we are on the same page with her antics.
Good luck!!
BM has actually threatened my
BM has actually threatened my life on a few different occasions before as well but other than that we rarely communicate with each other. There was once when she told me to get the fuck away from her kid and the other day when she got way too mad because I didn't unlock the door quick enough for her and screamed JESUS CHRIST in a parking lot but other than that we don't communicate. I feel the exact same way, sometimes I truly hate every aspect of my life and if it wasn't for DH i'd be long gone. I wish I could be one of those that brushes things off and doesn't let it bother me but I can't. I'm like you where I allow her to invade my head and then feel bad for allowing her to do so.
That's probably one of the best pieces of advice i've ever received because it describes her so perfectly. Just last night after we picked up SS (she's not allowed overnights on weekdays because the judge doesn't trust her to bring SS to school) i told DH that she's like a screaming attention deprived child who will scream and do anything just to get attention. Yours is so much better though. Thank you for the advice, I truly appreciate it!
The threats were not made to
The threats were not made to my face, they were told to other people and posted online on her Facebook page therefore I didn't know if that was enough to warrant a RO or a no contact order. As for the trespassing issue, I spoke with the local police department yesterday about the issue and they essentially told me I could lock the door but other than that theres nothing they can do about it and not to call them if it happens again because it doesn't need police attention. He also said that its an issue that needs to be brought before the judge.
As for the exchanges, BM is not allowed to pick up SS from school per the judge's orders, not DH's, because she failed to pick him up three times and he was left waiting. She's been to his school a total of..... 1 time, and that was not even on his first day of preschool. She is also not allowed overnights on weekdays because of the same issue (judge doesn't trust her to bring him to school the following day). The clothes have always been a big issue, its pretty stupid how big of a deal its been made into. She's always taking the clothes that we send him in and putting her clothes on for him and when we send him back in the same clothes the next visit she bitches that were not taking proper care of him. Oh lord...
Thanks for the dog in the car
Thanks for the dog in the car image, I will try to remind myself next time. I've blocked BM from texting or calling now. I tried to have a conversation with her as my mother always told me be the better person. But you can't be the better person while you in the dog space of a dog stuck in a car, it makes the madness worse. As infuriating as it is, just walk away, don't say anything, don't respond. Big of me to say, there times when I just can't keep quiet. But I think even though he madness does not get better, she becomes easier to ignore. Good luck... We are all in the same boat
I don't think that we are
I don't think that we are meant to cope with this sort of stress...caused by another person who you didn't explicitly invite into your life. Stress is our body's way of telling us that something is wrong. It's so easy to say "ignore it", but I can't imagine how ANY CARING WOMAN can ignore this kind of crazy. You're coping well by coming here and talking to others about it.
Just try not to beat yourself up. You can't fix crazy.
All of the others said what to do in the technical sense about putting boundaries up to guard yourself against BM's crap, but here are a few more ways to cope:
1. Seek out humor that you and DH can share... find a new stand up comedian every week on Netflix to watch. Laughter is the best medicine!
2. Search for a way to give back... like volunteering somewhere or doing something noble for free. It will take your mind off of the craziness for awhile.
3. Sex!!! For me, it's easy to turn inward when dealing with the BM stress (alcohol or other solo activities). But connecting with your man sexually is so helpful... let him "take care of you" and don't worry so much about pleasing him. After all, he OWES at night for what you deal with during the day.
4. Come here and read. Arming yourself with the knowledge of how to handle every situation, makes it easier to cope.
5. Realize that some stuff is just not your problem. Try to recognize the boundaries between you and your man as much as possible. Not all of his fights are your fights...UNTIL they directly affect you/yours.
I wish I could tell you that it gets better. Even after this court drama, there will be more. The sting lessens in intensity though. At first I was so appalled by BM's out-of-control behavior, that I thought of her as a giant alligator gnashing about, ready to take us to an early grave. Now she's more like a fly that gets in the house...buzzing around, being a nuisance, but we have taken away her power to destroy us. (***She can, and does however, destroy her kids. It took a while for me to realize that THAT wasn't my problem either. You can't save everybody.)
Completely know where you're
Completely know where you're coming from! BM tried to run us off the road, made threats towards my DD who was 5 at the time, and police were a weekly thing. Screaming/cursing in parking lots during exchanges, all of this has been a regular thing for the past 2.5 years. I've only had a break the past few months since DH has been out of town for work.
Blayze gave some excellent advice. I went into therapy and found that learning deep breathing/meditation stuff works well for me too since before I'd be affected for the days leading up to exchanges/visitations and it would take me a day or two to come "back down" after all the stress.