Not sure if or how I should reply to this text
Yesterday YSD21 texted me that she need to talk and to call her back at my convenience. Today she texted me "my dad said I should call and talk to you"
So YSD is the "respectful" SD but has always resented my and our Bk's existence. Up until a couple months ago, she discovered she doesn't have to kiss my ass to have a relationship with my DH and has cut off all contact with me (I don't even have her new number, she had to tell me who she was in the text). He hasn't always been a hands on dad with my SD's but is with our BK's. Since I disengaged with OSD25, DH realizes that I'm DONE trying to facilitate a relationship with him and his girls, both girls.
Because YSD has always been respectful I didn't think disengaging was necessary (just follow her lead) but I'm honestly tired of her flip flopping. When she and OSD are into it she wants to interact with me more but when they make up she's back to acting as though I don't exist or distant. She is coming around where our BK's are concerned but that's because she wants an excuse to visit, seeing as though DH stopped inviting her since she would never come, a while back.
So YSD moved to FL. with her bf about 4 months ago (from our home state). They apparently broke up and YSD called DH and between the 2 of them agreed she will come live with us for a while. She even put in a 2 week notice at work. DH told me yesterday what happened and asked if I was okay with her moving in. I told him while I respect that he wants to be her 'hero' I don't want her living with me (we tried once with OSD and Disney dad...) and that I'm not ending the marriage but I'm moving out or he can leave and get a place with her. That we are at peace in our lives with the way things are (he tending to his girls and us and me tending to our BK's and him) and when SD's are involved in our home he changes and disregard the structure we've worked so hard to maintain unless blantant disrespect is present and I've had to point that out for the most part before he said anything. I also said she is not about to move in and ignore or compete with our BK's up close and personal while he bury his hand in the sand. The kids and I will leave them to it and give him a second chance to make it up to her on his own.
He tried to make me feel guilty, even called my Mom and made it as if I was trying to say she wasn't welcome and I have a problem with his DD. My Mom didn't get involved or give an opinion, just listened. When that didn't work and I told him there will be no more discussion about it, he then apparently asked SD to call me. I guess he wants me to break the news to her, rather then be the bad guy. He had no business getting her hopes up without consulting me first.
Anywho, I have not called or replied to the text. I don't owe her an explanation and since she initially called him, he will be the one to break the news to her. Do you all think I'm doing the right thing? Or should I call her and let her know what I told him? Though I feely mind is made up, it's a small part of me that feels I should do something. I'm just not sure what...
I think you're handling it
I think you're handling it perfectly and I wouldn't reply - I can't see what good would come of it. Especially since they already made the plan for her to move in and he asked you if you were ok with it AFTER. Where did she live before she moved to FL?? Why can't she go back there?
Thanks for the reassurance!
Thanks for the reassurance! She lived with her "ex bff" for about 8 months, they broke their lease to part ways. Before that, she lived with her Aunt, BM's sister after getting kicked out of her BM's for fighting her SDad.
Calling her and having to
Calling her and having to explain puts you in the "bad guy" position. No way would I discuss this with her. I have been in this position myself, back when I thought I still owed it to all involved to be upright and respectful....bah!!!
Yes Veritas, I think it will
Yes Veritas, I think it will make me the bad guy as well. They need to know that their relationship is between them and what DH does is on HIM not me.
"I have been in this position myself, back when I thought I still owed it to all involved to be upright and respectful" me too girl, for almost 2 decades! And that's why 1) I no longer care to get involved because I will be blamed no matter what and 2) They or DH never appreciated anything I did to make things right and he never addressed the fact that SD's didn't want him to be happy or me around. I just wish I can get over the guilt I have sometimes for being so 'cold' now.
You nailed it! As for the
You nailed it! As for the guilt, I don't have that anymore. I only have indifference and now there is no going back for me. I hope that you can work through this part as you have healthy boundaries, you are enforcing your healthy boundaries and, my opinion only, but you are not cold, you are realistic. You know the track record, it is your home, you know what you can and cannot tolerate. I toast you!!!!
Yes, I know what you mean.
Yes, I know what you mean. Some days, I have indifference and feel liberated and much better. Then, occasionally I resort back to the 3 and 11 month old girls I met in the beggining, who were loving, sweet and innocent and see them as girls who felt replaced by me and our BK's, as they were born. And a father who up and moved 600+ miles away with us (Bk's and I when they were 12 and 9, for his at the time job) without even telling them the plan. I understand their hurt but felt hurt when they got older and blamed and resented me for everything. I care for them no matter what and wish them well but am finally getting to a place where I see that it's not reciprocated and it helps me to move on.
Like you said, there is no going back for me for sure though. And cheers to you!!
He’s definitely being
He’s definitely being manipulative. He made such a big decision without even talking to you first so he can be a big boy now and tell his daughter no.
You continue to not call or text her back.
"He made such a big decision
"He made such a big decision without even talking to you first so he can be a big boy now and tell his daughter no". That's my point exactly.
YES, YOU ARE RIGHT! You do
YES, YOU ARE RIGHT! You do not owe anyone explanations. You've made yourself clear, no need to repeat. I wouldn't answer her text. I would let her Dad handle it; he started this crap, he can finish it. If she wants to truly talk with you, she will sit down with you on her own. Your DH is trying to mend fences with his DD and you; that's not his place to do so; if she wants to make things right, she doesn't need her Dad to tell her to do so. I doubt she cares about you, just pleasing her Dad, for her own reasons.
Stick to your boundaries. The more you stick to them, the easier the word "NO" comes.
I know, because I have done this, I am doing this, and I will continue to stay disengaged and stick to my boundaries.
Disengagement is nothing compared to what will develop if your SD lives with you Ugh....
Thanks Sammi, you are spot
Thanks Sammi, you are spot on! I didn't think of my DH trying to mend fences though, more like getting himself into a mess without my input and expecting me to do the dirty work by getting him out of it.
WTH, he made the plan without
WTH, he made the plan without asking you, so he can break the plan without involving you.
This is totally on your stupid husband. But even at 19 or 20 I would have known to say, "Is it also OK with SM?" That's a common courtesy. She, you can forgive. Him? No. He put you in this spot, so he can take you out of it. But realize this: she will know you were the one who said "no," so you will be the target if she gets mad that the plan has changed. That's just the price you will have to pay for being married to an idiot. What a jerk to put you in that position - but the higher price is having to live with SD.
"WTH, he made the plan
"WTH, he made the plan without asking you, so he can break the plan without involving you". Exactly! "But even at 19 or 20 I would have known to say, "Is it also OK with SM?" You were spot on again, she should have said that or confenced us both in the call like she has done in the past, when she just wanted to "tell her parents hi and see how we were doing" (in other words prove to daddy that she was trying). My DH was definitely a big jerk about the way he handled this whole situation and he can clean it up on his own.
OMG! That whole "proving they
OMG! That whole "proving they are trying"....kills me, it does...
I'm not trying to avoid
I'm not trying to avoid talking to her, I don't feel I need to. Had she called me to begin with, I would have told her what I told him. In fact, that was the whole purpose of this post, to ask whether I should call her back to tell her or let my DH do it since he failed to discuss it with me before making a plan. I could care less if you, SD and DH think I'm the bad guy, I am either way and have been in her eyes for years.
"So I'm not sure why you expect him to take it on himself and leave you out of it" It was never intended for me to be in it in the first place. SD called her dad and my DH didn't decide to put me in it, until I told him SHE WASN'T STAYING WITH ME, my DH has 2 options 1) have her move in with him or 2) or continue to live with me. Simple as that. Of course he doesn't want to say "well DD I know I told you, you could move in but that means focused will move out because I never really parented you and she wants structure and common courtesy in our home and I'd rather live with my wife". So technically he made the choice, I just gave him the options.
Had I NOT been put on the spot in front of our kids, I wouldn't have LIKED to have this discussion in front of them but since I was, I made the conscious decision to tell them all my take on it. It was the first and last time they will hear that type of discussion since I now know what my DH is capable of where SD's are involved. Like I said, I don't "like" to but I did and told him there will be no further discussion. It's no secret to our 2 oldest how this SD feels about us (they've asked me why she acts like they don't exist before) so now they know why this SD will not be living with them. Thanks for your perspective! However, I don't care that I'm to blame anymore.
That's the point; you ARE NOT
That's the point; you ARE NOT TO BLAME! They just try to make you feel you are to blame. To heck with that nonsense.
You have said your piece and now you can stand your ground. Your DH should be responsible for his actions to his DD from here on.
Good for you!
It is more difficult to stand your ground. But is it SO worth it.
Repeat after me.. THERE ISN'T
Repeat after me.. THERE ISN'T ANY BAD GUY... IF you do not care about how they feel why consider yourself the bad guy?
All you are doing is reinforcing the boundaries you have set for your life. Did DH know these boundaries?
If this girl has never been taught common courtesies like fronting up and speaking to someone or discussing in person then how do you think she will acquire this adult-ish behavior? By osmosis? Teens and 20-somethings text EVERYTHING. So reaching out to you through text may be the only way she contacts people.
Stand by your decision not to have SD back in your home. Ask DH to set her up in a short term apartment for 3 months (Home Away would be a place to start.) so she can get back on her feet. If she is big enough to live with her BF and play house with him she can re-situate herself and move on with her life.
Point out to DH that he created this misunderstanding and he can fix it.
"SD I didn't discuss it with SM first. This was wrong. It would be better for you to set up a place on your own so we are prepared to sign you up for a short term lease apartment for 3 months. See, you have lived on your own for a while now and it would be difficult for you to adjust to living with Dad and SM again. Would you be an adult or a child? So not to make you uncomfortable let us do this for you. The only stipulation is you see out the lease and then you move out or continue paying for it yourself."
DH 'saves' his daughter. you keep your home intact and SD has a place to stay away from you. If she still wants to contact you, time for a heart to heart and make it clear her past behavior has driven this decision. All actions have a reaction.
But no BAD GUYS! Make it about SD having her own place and being comfortable. DH can either move in with her and hand holds the snowflake as she reorganizes her life or he stays home with you. His choice.
I don't necessarily consider
I don't necessarily consider myself the bad guy, I was put in a bad guy situation. I think your idea is great about him setting up an apartment. I will speak with him about that option. I doubt he will explain whaty stance was, he would more than likely avoid that conversation and she probably will not question him. In fact, she already knows what the answer is because he hasn't called her back either. He's a whip when it comes to his DD's and avoids confrontation at all cost. Thanks for your suggestion and input!
Wait a damn minute....I just
Wait a damn minute....I just realized what you wrote...HE CALLED YOUR MOM?????????? What the hell??? What exactly was he expecting from that whole conversation???
Oh he has called both my
Oh he has called both my parents on me, especially in our early marriage days. He feels because I value their opinion, they will persuade me to see things from his perspective and there has been a few times they had talked to me alone to help me see things from his POV. He also knows my parents don't get involved in our relationship but he knows my Dad tells me things from a mans point of view often. He knows my parents consider his DD's their grandkids as well but what he fails to realize is that I'm their daughter and they understand my stance on him acting as though he's afraid to hurt his DD's feelings. They have witnessed this themselves. He is just looking for someone to help him rescue his DD and give him a second chance to be a her father.
Makes me want to spit when I
Makes me want to spit when I hear/read 'I am the bad guy'....KUDOS oneoffour
Next opinion of mine, never allow anyone to move back into your home unless you have a written lease that holds UP in court.
I have a slightly different
I have a slightly different take here. You of course know your DH and I don't, but I'm not sure that I would trust him to relay the message correctly. He may try to be wishy washy and not spell it out clearly that she is NOT moving in, nor is she even staying there at all.
After SS32 and GF's home invasion they still thought they could stay in my vacation home (that I owned for years before I met DH). DH never once brought it up to me, but he obviously left them in limbo for a month or two thinking that it was going to work out.
I'd probably send a short, polite, and respectful text saying:
"SD, it will not be possible for you to stay with us. Your father made a mistake in telling you that you could. Have a good move."
No need to bring up any reasons about why she cannot stay. Nothing about how you would move out if she moves in. She deserves to know as soon as possible that she cannot stay there. Your DH could easily keep her hanging on and then at the last minute say "but she has no where to go." This way she has time to make appropriate plans.
I'm like you. I don't give a damn if anyone thinks I am the "bad guy".
I know he won't make me
I know he won't make me villain because he despretly wants a Brady bunch family and always put me on a pedestal to his DD's and family for that matter. He just wants me to tell her so he don't have to and if I don't, I can see him not discussing it at all with her again and she knows how her Dad is so to spare him the uncomfortableness she will take the hint and find another source more than likely. I know that sounds crazy but it's the history. My DH sounds a little like your DH, he just wants it all to work itself out, pretend it don't exist or let me handle it rather than him.
So she's quitting her job,
So she's quitting her job, dropping out of her adult life and moving home with daddee? I agree with oneoffour, setting her up in another adult situation would be better than bringing her home where she really does not fit anymore. I'm all for temporarily helping adult kids in emergency situations but this move is a choice, a catastrophe of her own making. Also have DH tell her to have a job set up before she gets to your local. Maybe having to live on her own and work rather than having daddy take care of her will be deterrent enough to continue adulting where she is at.
Like you, I'm all for helping
Like you, I'm all for helping adult kids in emergency situations as well. I just want my DH to help her without involving me. SD doesn't want or appreciate my help but I don't want to see her in a bad situation either. I will speak with him about helping set her up in her own apartment close by. I think that's a great idea.
So much wrong with whole
So much wrong with whole scenario, starting with a 21 year old picking up and moving to another state for a boyfriend. How long had they been together? Were they already living together? Has she ever been independent?
Now that it's not working out, she thinks she can just quit her job and move in with Daddy?
Texting someone to tell them to call her? I don't get putting the responsibility of a conversation that she wants to have, on the other person. If she wants to talk to you, she should call you.
Your husband needs to just man up and tell her no, but if he's too chicken, I guess I would do it, just to make sure that she gets the message.
You're going to be the bad guy, no matter what. Might as well make sure she gets the message that you want to relay and not some bullshit that your husband will tell her.
SD and boyfriend was together
SD and boyfriend was together for about a year, long distance. She met him at the airport, another one of her Aunts live in FL and she was going back home when she met him. She claims he's her best friend, when DH and I asked how well she knew him , before moving to FL and in with him. They never lived together before this.SD lived with her ex bff before this bf.
"I don't get putting the responsibility of a conversation that she wants to have, on the other person" I think she was nervous about talking to me about it and her dad told her to call me. That also her way of communicating these days. Thanks for your reply!
AS you said, you are
AS you said, you are disengaged, DH made her think she can move in again, not going to happen, she's an adult woman and well adult people do their own thing.
She informed you that her Dad said she should call you and talk to you, I would've replied, you are an adult and can make your own decision, thus do not calla and talk to me cause your Dad told you to, you can do it if you want to. DO not let people force you to do anything (
)
If she calls and talks about moving in, be friendly and say, No can do SD, We've talked about it and decided against it. No more explanations nothing. Oh and she will not even be permitted to spend a night... cause that will means she will stay
Yes, I'm sticking to my guns
Yes, I'm sticking to my guns on this one!
So my DH asked me today, had
So my DH asked me today, had I talked to SD (she said she tried texting you). I told him no and don't really need to. He then said "she is trying with you and you're just going to ignore her". I then informed him that she already let me know he told her to call me and that his manipulation tactics no longer works. He said he told her to call me in hopes that if I hear her out that I will be sympathetic enough to let her come without me leaving (in other words give him his cake and let him eat it too). He then proceeded to tell me that she called him and told him never mind she is going to stay and work it out with her bf, it was all a big misunderstanding. I just walked away.
He then followed me saying how he feels she just knows she isn't welcome here and is settling for a "controlling asshole" because she has no place else to go. I looked him in the eye and said I know that feeling and I'm sure she will get through it and that she has a choice as to whether she is going to be controlled or not. Lol... the look on his face was priceless. I know this is not the end of this but at least he knows I'm done with it. I told him for now on, I will not be pulled back into their dynamic again.