*very long rant heads up thanks*

I've read a few post on here and there and it seems so easy to completely disengage from skid. I've come to this thread a few times and I tell myself I'm disengaging just to find myself quickly back to how things were before. I overly care about ss and it makes sense bc I've known him his whole life. Knew his dad before bm and broke up their relationship lasted less than 2 yrs but she became pregnant and much worse very quick in that time yrs ago.

Ss 9 has been an okay kid. He is annoying at times with traits of bm but I've been handling it well. Our ss sm relationship isn't too bad. Saying all of this to make some things make sense. Anyways dh and I have kept bm at bay alot of these years esp after the CO that began when he was 4yo. We have primary custody now as of 2021 pretty much. She has eow now it's flipped from the years before.

With disengaging it was much more difficult since we became primary. We have ss9 ds7 and a new baby under 1yo. Been okay. Anyways back in 2018 to 2020 bm really played the antics pretty high. She is diagnosed pretty mental. Idk how to sum up past years but the relevant part is she sent nudes twice in the past. After the warning she was reported during a case where ss was injured with proof for both and applied restraining order for dh and ss and domestic violence. It was granted for the 10 days but unfortunately both dh and I were very sick the day of court we got there right at the minute and the judge dismissed it bc he took roll call a min before considering dh late.

Since then bm hasn't sent any and tbh antics were completely down during end 2020 to recently. Only she's been getting in trouble with the law by herself and not affecting ss since he was with us fully the first yr dss sent all her kids to their dads. It's been a great long break not being affected by her craziness. Again so far past 2 yrs she's just been in trouble with the law. My recent posts share other things that's happened. So this past weekend she lucked out since ss was lying to them both about what happened the previous weekend. Ss is in trouble for this with dh as we were serious about breaking the CO for his safety. Dh then allows ss to go with bm this past weekend.

So essentially bm is thinking dh and she are on good terms again. It's been a long time since he's really said anything to her other than speaking of the time changes from bm when they meet for the exchanges. With ss lying this made dh talk directly to bm about this in person Friday. She texts saying they should talk more etc. Dh says I just don't want him lying anymore u should talk to him about that. Bm is caught lying so many times it's ridiculous but now seeing dh can't trust ss or bm he kind of wants to give up. He was very disappointed Friday of course so ss will be punished for awhile. Bm calls dh yesterday after dh picked up ss and says they need to talk more and be better coparents blah. She then mentions me and says I yell at ss and I shouldn't and if dh has an issue she should tell her everytime blah so she can talk to him whatever. All seemingly triangulation like. Dh was letting me hear the recording of their phone convo. One big thing to say over the years how we kept bm at bay bc of this point that dh shares whatever she does or says bc most times he's wasnt sure how to respond but I have to be honest he's gotten better than me at responding now past few yrs. She really triggers me..speaking of she ends up sending herself in underwear and bra yesterday....then texts wrong picture I meant to send one of ss and I. Really...I was so triggered by this bc its been years since dealing with this and I'm like seriously this again? She never sent the other picture bc were not dumb knowing she jus wanted to send that. I'm telling ya everytime she gets an ounce of attention from dh she thinks it's a green light to be dumb. So dh hands me the phone. I document it and delete it. Most times these days dh responds himself bc again he's pretty good at ignoring her bs or reading thru bs and giving a "professional" resonse that sticks to ss. This time he's like whatever I wanna say send that. I basically respond as him saying I don't wanna see u at all and I don't need a pic of ss unless he ask also don't send the other pic. She supposedly meant to send one of them both but I gave it time and it mever sent confirming she sent this on purpose...of course.

So anyways all that to say....it was a great reminder that I want and need to disengage. I know dh is disgusted with her and yes that pic should be reported for sexual harassment. She called it a mistake....would it count idk? The ones few yrs back she never called them a mistake. But if another came it would 100% be reported regardless, but if this one can count that'd be great. Anyways before the pic and during the phone convo she also told dh how we should discipline ss in our home...that was stupid. But things like this remind me I need to back away. After yesterday alot has flipped in my mind like a switch. I just want it to stay bc the past 2 yrs with having ss primarily I felt a bit confused. Should I step up as more of a mom? I decided I needed to but then came the frustration of turning ss to correction all the time. I backed off after the first yr and so this past yr it's been mentally engaging and disengaging. After this weekend antics.. im telling myself no. He has a mom thar wants to be more involved suddenly and I don't need to put in all this work when he has 2 parents that can do more than myself. Dh does alot. He's great at discipline. He said and always said if I have any issues he can enforce whatever. He reminds ss he must respect me and that works so I just need to really follow that. Also I need help trying to not get so triggered by ss. I can't completely disengage bc ds is so close in age to him. I always try to treat both equally and that's worked. I fairly split their chores, fairly take away things from both etc. Ss always finds a way it's not equal...but yea I guess what ticked me was dh said ok don't yell just put him in the corner. Which I do and it works and I want to take dh advice....I just know ss is great at pissing me off at times. How do you all ignore ss messing up and doing things backwards all the time? How do you ignore the incessant annoyances? Also ss being narc at times he's this way with ds and ds has had enough. I really don't wanna yell or snap but with a baby under 1 just 3 kids in general...I may just need a vacation maybe that's it lol help!