I've been upfront with him - as upfront as I can be, but I can't seem to get beyond a certain point - about the particular things about his kids that drive me insane. Their lack of manners. Their constant neediness. Their inability to pick up after themselves or clean up any messes they make. Their nonstop whining. Their demanding ways. Whenever I point these things out - and I do try to do it tactfully and delicately because I know they're hard things for any parent to hear - he just sighs and says "Yeah, I know I need to work with them on that." Then nothing happens. He doesn't correct them very often and lets them get away with SO much more than I would ever allow out of my own kids.

I think part of the problem is that DH and I have different expectations of our kids. We have different tolerance levels. I expect my kids to be respectful, use their manners, and be at least somewhat tidy. DH doesn't do that with his kids. I've literally never had to be around kids like his, and it was a major shock to me to see how rude, slovenly, and needy they were. It's inappropriate for them to act that way at their age, in my opinion, but to DH, their behavior and total lack of manners is just fine. "They're just kids," he says, and to him, that absolves them from any responsibility with respect to the way they act and the way they talk.

My previous stepkids got on my nerves sometimes, but never to this extent. I never disengaged from them. Yeah, I might have taken a little break occasionally just to get away, but no more than I sometimes want to do with my own kids. My previous stepkids had good manners, were taught to respect their elders, and were really good about doing chores and cleaning up after themselves. These skids are the complete opposite. God, they're a nightmare. I've never had to deal with this before, and a lot of the things they are allowed to do and say are just too much for me. I can't handle it, so I disengaged to at least TRY to save my marriage.

I've tried so hard to explain these things to DH, and he's just not hearing it. He takes it personally every time, then tries to make me out to be the bad guy.

We really need to see a therapist about this. He's not hearing what I'm trying to say, and I'm apparently not able to say these things in an effective way so we can maybe, just maybe find some common ground.

The one time I took one of my skids grocery shopping (as I mentioned above), I tried so hard to make it clear what I do when I shop: I ONLY get what's on my list. That's just the way I do it. My kids are used to that and know it's pointless to ask for other stuff. Ncgal just won't get it, so don't ask.

I try to understand that my skids aren't familiar with this concept. DH (and BM, too, I'm sure) give in and, more often than not, will buy them whatever they're asking for as long as the skid bitches and moans about it long enough. DH will initially say no, but the skids know that if they just keep asking, eventually DH will give in and get it for them just to shut them up.

It's what they're used to. I understand that. I agreed to take a skid with me grocery shopping that one time to maybe TRY to see if I could tolerate them shopping with me. Turns out I can't. It instantly pisses me off for a kid to pester me while I'm trying to shop. I just want to get in and out of the store as quickly as possible, and I do NOT browse. I'm in and out. My kids get that because they've been shopping with me their entire lives. My skids don't get it.

And I stand by what I said to DH: If he can't get them to understand that begging and pestering and whining at ncgal will either get you sent out to the car to sit by yourself while she finishes shopping, or she'll just declare that they'll never get to go shopping with her again, or at least until they lose the attitude and actually go along to HELP her.

I do end up doing more around the house when the skids are there, and I think DH notices some of it, but not all. I still have to do everything I do when they're not there, and then there's more work added on to it when the skids are there - more laundry, more dishes, more trash to take out, etc. I try to keep these things up so DH will have more time with his kids. I've tried to tell him this, but he's not hearing me.

He does spend time with his kids on weeknights and weekends when they're with us, and he'd have a lot less time if I didn't try to keep everything done. He does most of the cooking when they're with us because I got tired of listening to the skids complain that they never like anything I cook, but then I do all the dishes and cleaning up after every meal, and it's very time-consuming. More often than not, DH is in the den with his kids doing this or that while I'm still working in the kitchen to clean up from dinner and put all the leftovers away.

He ought to be thanking me for taking care of these things so HE can have time with his kids, not bitching that *I* don't spend enough time with them! Sometimes I feel like all I get out of him when the skids are there is grief and guilt trips.

I agree with what you say about shopping. My kids are well-behaved, and I'd still prefer to go grocery shopping without them! Having them along, as good as they are, still slows me down considerably.

True, they can't help the way they were raised, but I realize now that I don't have the patience to try to teach them anything else. They see me as the wicked stepmother, and I know they resent the fact that I'm not as loosey-goosey as their parents are.

The "It takes a village" mentality is pure crap in my opinion, too. Two people were involved in making the child, and those two people need to step the hell up and make sure the child turns out halfway decent. The whole village is not responsible for raising a child.

If it truly "takes a village" to raise your child right, then you're seriously fucking up as a parent.

I made a mistake with DH. Bad timing. We met shortly after he and his ex separated, so he basically jumped right from one relationship into another, and I think this helped strengthen his assumption that he could just replace one mommy with another in his home. After marrying me, he just figured I'd jump right in and take over where BM left off. This wasn't discussed, and I had no idea that that's what he expected out of me before we got married.

He expected me to get them ready for school in the mornings, spend tons of "quality time" with them, and just love their ungrateful asses to pieces, and it really shocked him when that didn't happen.

His kids just aren't lovable. There, I said it. They're little monsters that are destined to grow up to be big monsters.

I think DH and BM love them because they're obligated to. Their grandparents love them, again, because they're sort of obligated to love them. (Though DH's parents have both made comments to me out of DH's earshot that they do NOT approve of the way the skids are being raise. They feel they're being spoiled, too. So at least I know I'm not alone here. The difference is, I have to live with them every other week.)

He always throws it up in my face that one of his kids said to him that I'm "ignoring" them. Well, excuuuuuse me! I wasn't aware that I was put on this earth to make sure the snowflakes never feel like someone's attention isn't 100% devoted to them all the damn time!

My kids wouldn't ever think to say anything like that, as you said about your own kids. They weren't raised to think everything is about them. My skids were raised to think about how the world revolves around them, so if there's an adult in their life who's not bowing at their feet, they see this as a huge problem that needs to be addressed, and by golly, when they say jump, DH JUMPS!

I'm pretty sure DH likes my younger son, but it's easy to see that he merely tolerates my older son. I haven't said anything about it because I totally understand his feelings. SS9 was okay by me, up until last night. Now he's jumping on the "ncgal doesn't pay enough attention to me" bandwagon, so screw him, too.

I'm about fed up with the whole lot - the 3 skids AND DH - over this.

"If I say no, the answer is no. No amount of begging and pleading is going to make me get it for you."

AMEN! There is NO gray area with me. You are NOT going to find a loophole. My kids could teach a class on how NO means NO when dealing with me.

And if you're going shopping with me, then by God you'd better hustle that ass and keep up because I do NOT stop to browse, and I do NOT have time for any whiny "buy me this buy me that" bullshit. Then to complain to dear Daddy about how I wouldn't buy you anything at the grocery store so now you can't eat any of the cereal in our house because of it?! Puh-lease. Get your whiny ass out of my sight.

The amount of crap DH puts up with out of these kids blows my mind on a daily basis. Why he even agrees to stand there and engage in these insane conversations with his kids is beyond me. If either of my kids came to me and said that, I'd just laugh, say "Ha ha! Whatever!" and walk away.

I'm so sorry! We really need to do that. It's been so crazy lately. How are things with you?

Turns out I don't love my stepchildren and this is a huge problem. Are you sure you want to have lunch with such a bitch?! }:)

I'll tell you what I'm doing, sueu2: I'm handling this the way I and a lot of other people (especially women) handle things. I already have a pretty good idea how I'm going to handle it, but talking about it helps me sort out the details and finalize what I already know my plan of action will be. I didn't come on here to spill my problems out so everybody else can "fix" them. I'll handle them on my own. But it does help to just be able to TALK about them first.

And I AM handling it, the best way I know how. I'm disengaged, and now I'm dealing with the fallout of that disengagement. It is what it is. DH isn't happy about it, but in my situation, disengagement was the only option I had short of divorce, which I'd like to avoid if possible. In the end, my marriage may fall apart anyway, but at least I can say I tried.

I guess a million other people have posted the same tired, worn-out problem a million times on here, but you know what? I haven't read all that. I haven't been on here very long and haven't reviewed all the old posts, so I apologize if I'm being redundant.

I'm assessing the problem in my house and am going to deal with it somehow, with or without this site and people's comments. They DO help, though, because I don't have anyone in my life who really understands what this situation is like for me. I have no friends who are step-parents, and my DH can't see things from my point of view and has chosen to take so much of this personally, so I can't even talk to him. I don't have the money or time to go to a therapist (though I'm seeing more and more every day that I'm going to have to MAKE time and find the money to go, just to have someone uninvolved in the situation to talk to), so yeah, this site has been very helpful.

I've learned a lot from the insights of other people in similar situations, and it's helped me see my own situation more clearly.

So again, I apologize if I'm just rehashing everybody else's tired old problems, but it DOES help me to do so. I didn't mean to waste your time with my blathering, and if I did, I'm sorry.

I've unknowingly walked into a minefield with my husband and his kids, and it's scary and lonely and infuriating and depressing, all at the same time. Forgive me for trying to nagivate this situation with my life and sanity intact.

I speak up more now, too, because of this site. It's helped me put into words things I couldn't articulate before when talking to DH about our problems, and I'm truly thankful for that.

One thing I saw for the first time is that I'm expected to be the model stepmother, yet DH seems to think he gets a pass when it comes to being a step-parent himself. He's expecting things out of me that he himself doesn't seem to feel obligated to do. He almost never speaks to my kids. He's not avoiding them; he just doesn't seem to feel a need to do so unless it's to bitch at them for something they did that he didn't like.

I pointed that out to him last night. He didn't like it, but he knows I'm right. He can literally go for DAYS without speaking to either of my kids, but I'm still expected to be his kids' best buddy and devote all this time and attention to them. It's flat-out unfair, and I told him I'm tired of the damn double standard.

Again, I'm thankful that I found this site. Maybe I sound like a broken record, repeating what everybody else has said over and over again, but it's really been a great help to me to do so!

I just wish I could get DH to see how little my own kids have, support-wise. No family close by, their dad's not around, and I'm all they have.

I have very little time on weeknights to spend with them, and most of my weekends are filled with chores and things I can't get done during the week. The LAST thing I feel obligated to do with the precious, small amount of free time I have is spend it on some ungrateful brats for whom enough is never enough.

I could lavish attention on them 24/7, and I guarantee you SS9 would STILL whine that I don't pay enough attention to him.

It's so strange. I never saw a black hole in human form before I met these skids. Throw in all you want to. You're NEVER going to fill it up.

Oh yikes! I can't even imagine how awful that must be!

Let me say first off that I do feel bad for your SS. I really do. However, sometimes the kid's family goes too far in their delicate treatment of a child in his situation.

I dated a guy in high school whose mom died in a car wreck when he was five. This guy...UGH. He was SOOO spoiled by his dad and grandparents, to the point that he was a complete brat! (Unfortunately I wasted two years of my young life dating him before I figured that out.) They bent over backwards for him at every turn, indulged his every whim, bought him every toy and thing he wanted, etc.

If he ever had a fit, they'd excuse it with, "Well, you know, with his mom dying when he was so young...you just have to overlook his behavior sometimes."

He was a COMPLETE a-hole. VERY hard to deal with when he didn't get his way, and it ultimately led to our breakup. He had no regard for anyone other than himself, and if you ever tried to point out his selfish, jerky ways, he'd pipe up with "My MOM DIED! I can't help it!"

Hey, you can't blame him for saying that, in a way. It's all he'd heard since he was five. Anything bad he did or said wasn't his fault because his mom died when he was little.

It's so sad, because he went on to have a crappy life - dropped out of high school, in and out of jail for petty crimes, lost his license for DUI's, etc.

I guess I thought, at my young and stupid age, that I could change him. No, you can't. And you can't change your SS, either. Too much damage has been done by SS's family and father, and it's beyond your repair. Anything you try to do to help him will be met with righteous indignation from your DH and his family. "How can you be so cruel to SS?! Don't you know he can't help the way he acts? How DARE you!"

All you can do is check out. Disengage. That's what I've done with my skids, even before I found this forum and even knew what disengagement was.

My DH doesn't understand, but I can't help that. Our marriage may not survive, but at least I can say I tried to save it!

I'd have to totally disengage from that situation. That's pretty crappy. He's using you for a free babysitter! And why the hell does he sleep so late?

I'm disengaged from my skids, and my DH learned pretty quickly after we got married that NO, he could NOT sleep as late he wanted to on the weekends or even weekdays when they were with us, because NO, I would NOT be taking care of their every need until he felt like getting up.

I don't do anything for them. If they're hungry in the morning, I tell them to go inform their dad. If they don't have clean clothes, I tell them to let their dad know. It's NOT my problem. I have two kids of my own that I have to take care of, and I'm not about to take on DH's responsibilities when he feels like sleeping in.

Your DH is obviously missing the connection between "I'm mad at my mom and want to hurt her somehow" and calling your DH up. If SS12 doesn't call at any other time, he's just using your DH. I don't know why our husbands can't see that. My skids do the same thing with my DH. He's just so tickled that they called, he doesn't care why they're calling. It's pathetic.