Sigh. I know what you mean. I have a mil who seriously thought I should treat ss exactly as my own. Now understand I met him when he was barely 2 and I did treat him almost exactly like my own. Seriously. But he also had a mother, whom he saw eowe and whom he loved very much-so, yes, our relationship was a little different than a mother/son relationship because, well, he was not my son and I was not his mother-but I took good care of him, I was affectionate, loving, compassionate, reliable, and responsible with him. I made great efforts to teach him right from wrong, help him with anything he needed help, and also helped to provide for him right along with dh.

However, to my mil this was just not enough. I had other children and she was always on the watch for any occasions in which my ss might be getting the short end of the stick. It was ridiculous. Does he have one less pair of socks than my ds? Is his brownie slightly smaller than my dd's? Did he get one less xmas present? So not only was this an issue, but she would also make waves toward my dh for treating MY kids too well. Because in her mind that somehow shorted ss. He would get constant messages from her about how he should not put MY kids first-and even after we had a child together-somehow that child became only MY child and not even dh's. That child was not ever supposed to be put above ss either.

Some people are simply ignorant. They have their own agendas of what they want you do and they don't care about anything else. Your mil thinks she can tell who comes from a single parent household- I think she is an idiot.

But that's not exactly what she said. What she said was "she sees stepmothers who seem like they really care for the skids, but then when they have their own babies they completely change." What you turned it around to is "Why am I expected to play Mommy to someone else’s kid? Of course I’m going to be different with my own baby than I am with SD because SD IS NOT MY KID. I seriously don’t get it."

I wasn't there of course, but what I get out of what MIL said was that she sees SM behave one way with the skids up to and until the SM has a child, then SM changes and no longer behaves with the skids the way SM did before.

I think what she sees is an eager new SM really trying to be a good SM, is showing interest and perhaps genuine affection for skid. But then SM has a child and MIL sees the SM slowly changing. No longer taking an interest blah blah.

I think there's some truth in that. How many SMs go into a new relationship and go gun-ho with the SM bit? Knock themselves them trying to proof/show they are SMOTY worthy. Want to take an interest in the kids homework, grades, blah blah.

But then several things possible happens 1)reality sets in and skids burst SM's bubble by numerous means (disrespect, PAS'd, fighting over boundaries/rules ect) or 2) SM discovers SM is the only one trying, Dad is a poor parent or Disney dad and SM gets caught up with all the BM craziness of being resented, overstepping whatever.

It's natural to 'love' your own child differently than a stepchild, but what it's natural would be to stop carrying for a stepkid just because SM gave birth to her own child. I don't believe because a SM gives birth SM should act differently than she did pre-birth based solely on now having a child. SM should start off from the beginning doing and being to the skids what SM feels is appropriate and comfortable for her as a SM, not because she doesn't have kid yet. SM from the start shouldn't be so eager to take on the 'mommy' role that I think we read about so much here. How many times do we read "I did this, this this this and this" I think it's best to start off with letting BM and Dad do the hard work and SM being an adult figure in the skids life. Not SM feeling like she must parent. But too many SMs are either expected to parent and/or are too eager to please and get taken advantage of.

I have two beautiful step sons. I love them dearly, often times, many mistake them for being my natural kids. I care deeply for them, I want them to grow up to happy, healthy, and go on to have successful families. I am not their mother, nor do I want to be. I am their step mom, just another person who will love them, guide them, and be an encouraging factor. I have no obligation to them, but because I love their father, and they are an extension of him, I love them too. Mind you sometimes they drive me crazy, but I never regret my decision to have them in my life. I think it's made me a better person and when the times comes, I think it will have made me a better mother.

I don't believe having a child should change a sm's relationship with her skid either. And, IMO, it probably doesn't in most cases. I think that was mil's concern that she was simply projecting onto the op. I did go on to have another child after ss and I can quite honestly say it simply had no impact whatsoever on my relationship with ss.

It's a common misperception by people who have never been SMs. How passive aggressive is your MIL!

Maybe by the time these SMs have their own babies, they've lost patience with the skids. The honeymoon period is over. I don't know, I think your MIL was just sticking her nose where it doesn't belong.