You are here

Stepmums who then have had their own

Crazy_Psycho's picture

Ive been a step mum for 18 months and we are in talks of trying for a child. I have got a ds 2 and a dd 3. My dp broke up with his ex when ds was born and has had them both part time ever since. I always have worried incase it is not the same for my do has he already has children. I worry incase its nothing new to him and won't find it exciting. Any experiences of step mums who have became a mother? What was ur experience like? What was ur dp like?

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

My DH was super excited! I have been a SM to his two daughters from his previous marriage for 12 years. I told him when we were dating that I would like at least one of my own and was worried about it too since his daughters were 10 and 7 when I came into their lives and I thought he would be done having kids. He was ok with it and was just as excited as I was through out my pregnancy with my first child who I thought would be my only....well he thought that our bio needed a sibling since her older sisters were much older then her...that is where our little one came into the picture. He treats them all equally (except SD19 and long story, disengaged)but even with that he was a very good father to the one we are disengaged to until she turned on us. So we have SD22, SD19, DD8 and DD3 and if our ages were not getting up there we would probably try for that boy! I think we can wait for grandchildren now and hope there is a boy in that mix Smile

I remember being scared though, thinking like you are, and it all turned out great. Look at it this way, its still his biological child even if its with you, he will love that child the same as he loves his children.

Crazy_Psycho's picture

I know it sounds selfish but I was hoping my dp would have a more stronger and closer bond with any children we have as he will see them more

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

I will say that in the sense that my girls with my DH have an intact home and the fact that that is all DH has ever wished was an intact home for his kids and now that my SDs are adults I do notice that DH is more happier with how things are with our together children. He hated that his older girls had to pack up and go to another house for visitation and now with our kids he doesn't have to do that. So yes I would say that my DH is actually more happy with our kids but I know he loves his older daughters too. If that makes sense. My DH likes the family part of coming home from work to his kids, getting up the weekends to his kids..etc. No you don't sound selfish either. Smile

asnoraford's picture

Having a baby doesn't make it easier. But having a child is exciting no matter what. He might feel like been there done that with some of the pregnancy symptoms, but he'll be moved to see his new child being born into the world.

The bond will be different - no better or worse - than the one he has with his other children. But the love will not be different. And you'll still have struggles managing time with the sk are with you.

My ss has been much closer to me since he's gotten over the jealousy issues of my pregnancy. It took him a second to realize that he wouldn't be his father's only child, but now has a great time rubbing my belly and just bought the baby a Christmas gift.

christinen's picture

I don't have any bios yet but we are in the same boat! DH and I have been married for 1.5 year & are trying for our first baby together. He has 1 SD5.

I have the same concerns. I wish this would be DH's first baby experience and I wish my baby wouldn't have to share him with skid. But it is what it is. If I could change it, I would have by now!

I think my SD will be extremely jealous of the baby because she is used to being the center of attention and spoiled rotten, but I hope I am wrong and that she loves the baby. That would make things so much easier!

Crazy_Psycho's picture

Ive heard good and bad experiences. My dp really wants a child together as he has had his children part time from so young so I don't think he really has that strong parental bond/relationship with them. He loves them of course but when we do have ournown he may realise how little he does actually know about his children.

derb84123's picture

I am currently pregnant with my first bio, DH has two from his first marriage who live with us. Everything you wrote are things that I feared for years. I will say, tho, that pretty much they have all gone away. My DH wasn't very involved with his first kids pregnancy (he was 16) and then with the second, he was still dumb (19) and really didnt care. This go around (28) he is so adorable. It is basically all new to him, he gets so excited. We found out the gender yesterday and he was so pumped. My stepkids were also at the ultra sound and are really excited too. But he is learning so much with me, that he didn't know or forgot. It seems like it is all new for him- and hell maybe hes faking it, but I dont care.

Honestly, I worried for 5+ years about this, and now that it's happening Im not really worried at all anymore. My marriage has gotten stronger, and I think the kids will be fine. I am a tad worried about some jealousy issues (they also have half siblings with biomom, and they do not like it)-- but hopefully it will be fine since they live here.
Anyway, dont stress it

Crazy_Psycho's picture

Thanks derb glad ur stepkids are excited. With my dp he admitedly left all the work upto bm with dd and had broken up with uer by the time ds came. My dp is not very good with babies which he admits. He hasn't really had thst much experience with kids ( he thinks he has) but I think my dp is in for a big shock as he's never really had to bring up if u like his children as bm is their resident parent and brings them up with her boyfriend. I know things will be different I just hope my dp is excited as I am and doesn't love ours any less.

aulonocara's picture

I am in this situation now. I've always felt outright bad for myself about the fact that he has already experienced having children (twice) and that we wouldn't get to experience it for the first time together.. but I expressed this to him in a fit of tears one night. He assured me that even though he had been through it before, to look at it differently. He has experience! He knows what to expect and what things to check on and do for a newborn. Sure, it isn't his first time experiencing it.. but it will make the whole thing a little easier on me as a first time Mom. I know it's hard to look at it that way.. but it's really the only thought that has gotten me through it. Best wishes on conceiving! Smile

peacemaker's picture

We both brought kids into our relationship...then had two more....All I can say is EVERY one is special in it's own right...the better we got at parenting....the better the children turned out...They are now all adults...My H has told me more times than I can count, because his two pre existing daughters are what they are...that He felt his last daughter was God's proof of grace and giving him another chance...and our son we had together is amazing...they both turned out quite something to be proud about....a child is a gift from God...the best thing to do is not compare who you are now to who he was back then...He has grown and changed for the better I hope...This is a new chapter in your journey together....enjoy it.....