New to this site. Having MAJOR SD issues.
Where to begin? I have 3 stepkids. We have the step kids every two weeks. Boy 5, girl 7 and girl 12. And then my own bio son who is 7. The younger two stepkids are wonderful. My 5 year old is sort of hot and cold with me but he always does what I ask. The 7 year old girl is just a delight. She calls me mommy and gives me 20 kisses and hugs a day. And then there's the 12 year old girl. Wow!
For a while I thought everything was fine but apparently it was all a fake. She had been lying to BM about me. Telling her that I force her to call me mom. A) I have never asked anyone besides my own son to refer to me as mom. I call myself mom.. even to the SC but I AM a mom and have every right to in my own home. She tells the BM I am mean to her all the time unless Dad is around LIE and numerous other things. Everyone will be completely enjoying the day and then she has to bring up something the family did together when dad and BM were married. At first it didn't bother me but now it's almost every time they are here. She also feels the need to tell me things like "dad can't eat this", or " SS always takes a long time in the bathroom". Little things to try to make me feel like I'm an outsider in my own family. And as much as I hate it, it kind of works. I know it sounds terrible but I really am starting to resent her presence in my home. I give and give to all the kids. But she always requires a little more than anyone else. I.E. forgetting her lunch or a jacket and needing me to bring them to school. Even on weeks that they are with BM, I find myself running around doing things that her own mother did not take care of. Then her teacher tells me she over hears the 12 year old telling her friends that she can make me do whatever she wants because I want her to like me. No quite little missy. This is the way parents do for their children. You drop everything to make sure they are safe and warm and well fed. It doesn't matter if you were in labor with them or not. I would do the same for the other ones, but they don't seem to ever require it...only her. It's gotten to the point where I feel like everything she says to me is a bold face lie. One night, she sat me down and told me that she did not want me to marry her dad and she wanted me to go. Out of the freaking blue!! I was horrified!! I basically told her too bad, Dad and I have been married for quite a while now and I'm not going anywhere. That her dad and I were happy, the other three kids were happy and if she didn't want to try and see the good side of our new family then she could either sit in her room and be miserable or choose to live with BM full time. She however, chose not to say this in front of her father.. just me. 9 times out of 10 my husband will back me up on stuff. But he thinks I single out the 12 year old sometimes. And yes, I do that. He tells me that I'm just trying to be harder on her and that is true too. It's called punishment. If she wants to come to my home and try to make me feel left out, treat me like I'm her servant and then kiss her father's ass then yes ANYONE that isn't Jesus would do the same thing.
This summer the kids are spending half of it with BM and half with us. I am 6 months pregnant with my husband's and my first child together and last month I had to have an appendectomy and went into labor after the surgery. It was very scary and I thought I was going to lose the baby. All is well now by the way. My husband called the kids and mentioned to the 12 year old about the surgery and everything. Her response... "ouch" That's all that was said. No asking if I was okay or if the baby was okay. Even my own 7 year old was concerned and so were the little ones but not her. It really hurt my feelings that she thinks that little of me. But then a week ago she texts me to tell me she's started her period and needs a pad.. can I bring her one. She hadn't seen me since the phone call but did not even ask how I was doing when I dropped off the pads. Ugh!! It just makes me not want to do anything for her at all.
Is how I'm feeling wrong in anyway? Am I being immature with this situation? How can I make things better? The kids are coming here in 3 weeks for the rest of the summer and I am soooooo excited to see the younger two and just dreading the older one coming in and destroying the harmony that we have had in our home since the school year ended.
Your are certainly not alone.
Your are certainly not alone. Your story parallels that of many S-Talkers.
My only input is QUIT BEING HER BECK AND CALL MOM!!!!!! If she forgets her lunch .... LET HER STARVE! If she forgets her coat ..... LET HER FREEZE! Now for the big one ...... if this was not her first period ...... LET HER STAIN HER PANTS! 12 is old enough to be able to handle simple responsibilities like TAKE YOUR LUNCH, TAKE YOUR COAT and TAKE YOUR PADS/TAMPONS!
Explain to her that you are fully aware of her comments that she can get you to do anything she wants you to do because you want her to like you. Also explain to her that you love her and will continue to help and support her as long as she treats you and the rest of YOUR family with respect. If she will not participate as a fully accountable member of YOUR family to make it HER family then she will not have the benefits that YOU provide for that family.
I think getting this message communicated firmly and soon is important. Before you end up with a manipulative TEEN!
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards.
My husband tells me the same
My husband tells me the same things about doing too much for her. And I know I do. But even with all the resentment I still feel bad for her... all of them really. BM is single and constantly goes out on the town and leaves the other two at home with the older one for hours on end. 12 year did not get to go to Junior High orientation because BM had a soccer game. That right... not any of the kids... the MOTHER's soccer game. She doesn't get the point that your kids needs come first. That is where I get confused really. When SD calls and needs something from me, is it because she's manipulating me or because she feels she can depend on me more? I wish I knew. I'm sure time will tell. BTW, we live in Alaska and coats are required as the temps can dip to -45 or so even in the spring. The kids get detention if they aren't wearing full on heavy coats, snow pants, snow boots rated to -40, hats and gloves. I should have just let her get D Hall. How do you forget a coat when it's 15 degrees outside?
I used to be the same way but
I used to be the same way but you will get over feeling bad once she disrespects you and hurts your feelings about a million more times. Unfortunately a relationship with ksids is never like the one with your own child. I had to learn that the hard way. My ss11 is great but the sd17 is a bitch. She does everything she can to make my life hard and just like you, I still wanted to do nice things for her hoping she would realize that I was genuine. 10 years later and she still shuts me out and has no regard for my feelings. The best I can hope for with her is to co-exist somewhat peacefully until she moves out! Believe me, I am counting the days . . . . . Hang in there tho / we ALL feel your pain!
I suspect miss SD12 is merely
I suspect miss SD12 is merely transmitting the lack of boundaried behaviour she has learned from her Mom.
Ring the school and say you will support them to put her in detention if she doesn't bring her coat.
If she tells you how to run your household, then say "Thank you for your comments" and leave it at that.
Get her a period emergency kit to go into her bag, and if she then rings say "I am sorry, your responsibility to fill the kit if you use it, why not go ask the school nurse?"
As for telling you that she does not want you married to her Dad, you unfortunately justified being married when it was unnecessary. I would have said "I can appreciate this is how you feel, but I am married to your father and I am staying that way."
On her not expressing anything on your prem labour - actually that is fairly normal for kids at that stage, they are so egotistical (it is a neurological stage as much as a behavioural one, they can't imagine what things like that are like, much less express concern about them
Okay, in light of the
Okay, in light of the enlightening information that you live in Alaska ....... I guess you can deliver her coat.
Even I would not risk a kid getting frost bite to send a massage. }:) I was being more figurative than literal when I recommended you let her freeze the next time she forgets her coat.
But .... letting her get detention would send the right message. You can take the coat while she waits in D-hall.
My SS-17 is one of those kids that will blend just to avoid attention. He does not like either positive or negative attention. To the point that he will nearly fail a class just to not be called up and recognized for being an honor student.
The only thing he appears to learn from is abject misery. He will perform to his ability if the consequence of not doing so is so distasteful and unpleasant that he will do anything to avoid it.
He did great at Military School his first year since the consequences of non performancer were intollerable to him. When they gave him more priveledges and less oversight his second year he returned to his typical behavior.
Good luck with this one. I have no easy button for you. If you have one for sale please let me know where to send the check and prepaid return envelope. I could use an easy button to fix my kid (SS-17).
Best regards.
I agree with Rags. Forgive me
I agree with Rags. Forgive me on this one, but she KNOWS she lives in Alaska, it would seem to me like a power play to forget her coat. I know that my SD11 will complain it is cold when it is 80 Degrees outside, then in the dead of winter only wear sweaters to school. Well, of course we get a call. LOL
Maybe the next time she asks for something (not needed type) say, "I would love to do that any other time for you, but I had to use that time to take you a coat. Maybe when I know you can remember your coat I will be happy to do such and such for you"
One time my SD11 and my 2 daughters were going to go the skating rink. I told them they had to do the dishes first. SD11 said, "we can do them when we get back..." I told her, "well, I will be happy to take you all skating when the dishes are done." She pouted, but she did them
That is the age they test you and test you. My SD11 tests me almost every day. hehe like in Rags signature, "Character, courage and consistency of effort"
No quick fix
I too have a Sd problem. She
I too have a Sd problem. She is 15 almost 16. She lives with us, her mother had almost no contact with her or her brother who also lives with us. SS is great, will do anything for me. I made a huge mistake in the beginning that I regret but can't fix it now. Their dad and I have been together for 7 years. We used to get them every other weekend. As of last June they live with us permenatly. So in the beginning, only having them every other weekend I kind of tried to be their friend instead of a parent and overlooked the little things. Now that they live with me and we are more settled and I see things that bother me I let loose and yell like I do with my own. Well not yell but get mad and let them know. oh let me go back a minute, my husband also had another daughter who is no 19 who lived with us too, she has since moved in with her boyfriend. My husband feels that I sort of made her feel unwanted by getting mad and correcting the problems. Now he feels like Im doing it again. Am i supposed to let everything they do wrong go and not try to correct it because they might move out????I treat his children no different then my own daughter who is 16. Rules are the same, punishment is the same and what I get mad at and try to correct is also the same. But his daughter feels like i am singleing her out. Hes afraid that she will move out too because of me. its not me! I try to show him that I do the same for his as i do mine but SD feelings gets hurt and she runs to Daddy. Right now its is good untill the next time but last time I wanted out so bad I could have run.
Whats funny is my ss does the
Whats funny is my ss does the same thing to me and his mom well she calls me do it to. I have to take them to doc appt cause she cant get off work or she forgot or what ever. I finally this made him do with out his home work he forgot at home or gym shorts and let him get a det. I dont feel sorry for him any more I have went well out of my way to get treated like dirt and for his mom to do the same thing they can both do with out me for now on. I feel for you cause its tuff. No one really understands until they ahve to go threw it.I am glad Im not the only one who has to suffer with ungrateful brats.
You really do have to stop
You really do have to stop being at her beck and call. She's old enough to remember her coat! She's also old to enough to suffer the consequences of forgetting her coat, or whatever the situation may be. She will continue to disrespect you (which is what she is doing) if she knows you will just drop what you're doing to do what she asks all the time. My 6 yr old stepson asked the other day for someone to bring him a Capri Sun to have with his lunch - he was in the living room, my husband and I were in the kitchen. When I asked him why he couldn't get his own Capri Sun, his response was "I like to be served." WTH?!?!? And this is from a 6 yr old!! Well, when I informed him that he doesn't have a maid, guess what he did? Got up, and got his own Capri Sun. That's the only way he was going to get one that day. Either that, or be thirsty. We're parents, not slaves. Stop letting you SD manipulate you.
sadly, i was in a similar
sadly, i was in a similar situation and made some drastic moves.. I actually moved out and now the SD, wants desperately for her father and I to move into a bigger home together, she wants it to be all of us together again. Being outside of the situation for several months has made me a lot stronger than i was when I was in the situation. I understand a lot and feel like the SD was very hateful at times, but in her defense, I feel like it wasnt her fault solely, she was only 10... It was her father's fault and my fault for putting up with the situation... my blog is very detailed in what I had to endure with this child. The entire situation caused so much anxiety and bitter feelings. I think one of the most important things that is very easy to forget is.... these SKIDS are CHILDREN, they are taught by adults what is acceptable or unacceptable. YOUR husband needs to stand up and talk to her about her behavior....
Yeah, your SD is a spoiled
Yeah, your SD is a spoiled little thing. Stop doing for her. Ignore her antics. She'll either grow up or stay with her mom. Her behavior is NOT okay.
Hi everyone. I am new to this
Hi everyone. I am new to this site.
Having a few problems with my partners daughter and his previous ex partner.
I have been with my partner for getting on two years now.
We started having his daughter to stay for the weekend every two weeks.
Then, his ex partner, who I do not get along with, decided to stop him seeing his daughter due to him not paying enough child maintenance.
He had to leave his job, as we are starting up a new business, which in the first year is difficult.
Then his daughter rang out of the blue and said, I want to stay over. Without discussing it with me he said, yes!
One thing I forgot to mention, is that his daughter told her mother that I hit er and so did her dad.
This never happened. Just because of that, I do not want her to stay over.
Her mother drinks alot and used to phone up every otherday for an argument.
am i a bad person for saying i would rather he see her on his own?
I do not have children of my own yet..as we cannot afford it and i don't want my feelings hurt like that again. or deal with his ex partner.