Maybe I'm crazy but enough is enough (GF's Ex)
I'm in a committed relationship with a woman who has been separated for a year. Her divorce was filed 6 months ago and her husband continues to stall and delay the divorce. As part of the "temporary" (though seemingly unending) orders her two children (9 year old boy and 11 year old daughter) are not allowed contact with any paramours (boyfriends or girlfriends).
Consequently, when her kids are not with her (they split visitation a week at a time, alternating Wednesdays when it's not their week), I do not see her. When her husband has the kids we live together.
Her kids don't even know I exist. One caught a hint a while back after finding an itinerary for a cruise we took, but the GF lied to the kid about it.
Here's my problem: She continues to deceive the kids about me. "I'm with a friend", "This car I'm driving belongs to a coworker", "I'm going out of town to visit Anne, all by myself".
Worse, the kids are harboring some hope of a reconciliation. They invite both parents to not only their own birthday parties, but to the parties of friends. So I can't be there, but Mom, Dad, and the kids are there. It's like old times.
Further, when he is away on business she sleeps in the "family home", in which the children grew up, because she says they're more comfortable there than in her apartment. They eat together after baseball and softball games, and they spend what I consider to be an inordinate amount of time together, especially considering the kids want the two of them back together and have no idea who I am.
I think she's confusing the kids and ultimately hurting them worse.
Once when both kids were sick she stayed at the family house at the same time he was there because, according to her, one kid was throwing up in one bathroom and he was taking care of her, and the other was throwing up in a different bathroom and she was taking care of him.
Today their chronically ill daughter is in the hospital two hours away. She was transported by ambulance. My GF rode in the ambulance and the father drove his vehicle. Tonight they are all driving home together, Mom, Dad, and the kids. I offered to pick up my GF or pay to fly her home. She insists that their daughter will want to be with both parents after such an upsetting event.
I'm about done with the whole damned thing to be honest. She sees him as much as she sees me and I'm tired of her lying to the kids about me and giving them false hope and probably giving the husband hope as well.
Anyone have any comments or suggestions?
Move on & find someone who
Move on & find someone who you can have a real, healthy relationship with.
Oops. Sorry. Didn't see the
Oops. Sorry. Didn't see the reply feature. Known her three years, been together about a year. Living together since October, except for a one week stretch in January which I discussed below.
Regardless, the remarks here told me what I already knew and just needed to hear. Time to run for the hills...
We've been dating since she
We've been dating since she moved out of the house in the middle of last year, though we've known one another for about 3 years. She says she was never happy with him and didn't want to get married in the first place but her family (father) basically forced it on her, and when we started spending time together due to work she decided to leave him and we started seeing each other.
When she first moved in she would make me keep the garage door closed in case he drove by (she said she didn't want the kids to see her car in my garage) and he basically stalked us (I caught him driving by the house late at night), and ...
you know, the more I listen to myself explain the situation the more ridiculous it sounds. I just need to get out of this deal and get into something healthy.
Ugh...
I totally agree with you. It
I totally agree with you. It sounds similar to my situation. Although BF and BM had been separated for two years when I met him, their divorce had not been filed. They were also doing the co-parenting thing which meant she called him every day, multiple times a day to report when the children had a bowel movement. (Okay I'm exaggerating about what she was reporting, but she DID call EVERY day, multiple times a day.) I wish I had taken my own advice 2 1/2 years ago. I say you should let her know you care, and you might be interested in a future with her but she needs to clearly draw the lines between her past and her future. Then move on with your life and if the two of you end up back together, then it was obviously meant to be. But I can tell you nothing will change as long as you continue in the relationship as it is.
Thanks. I hate to have to
Thanks. I hate to have to tell her this because she always says I don't care about what is best for her kids and that she's only doing what is best for the kids, but for Pete's sake, the kids want them all in the same house like the good old days. What's best for the kids is PROBABLY for her to just stick it out with Daddy, I suppose. What's bset for the kids would have been for her to pretend to be happy for 9 more years until the youngest one graduates from high school. Or maybe not, I don't know.
What I do know is that it's going to be a fight when I tell her, AGAIN, that I'm just not happy this way and not comfortable, but after listening to you folks, who are objective third-parties, I know I have to break it off until and unless she decides to commit to doing things the right way.
Thanks to everyone...
"but for Pete's sake, the
"but for Pete's sake, the kids want them all in the same house like the good old days." EXACTLY and that is NOT WHAT IS BEST for the kids. Maybe somewhere in the back of her mind she thinks that might be a possibility? Just last week my SS14 called BF outside to ask if they could go out to dinner together for his 8th grade graduation. He then specifically clarified...You, mom, me and brother. His father and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and his mother has been with her boyfriend for 5 years or so (of course only 3 that the kids know about since it's the guy she was cheating on their father with, but I digress.) Anyway, my point is they never stop wanting their original family and I don't see what she is doing as co-parenting. I see it as setting the kids up for heart break after heart break if their parents aren't getting back together. Good luck!
I guess I probably should
I guess I probably should have mentioned that in early January we broke up and she moved back to his home for a week. She came back immediately after that, said it was a terrible mistake, and said I forced her into it by being an a#$hole and that if she wasn't going to be with me she might as well make her kids happy. According to her it was terrible and she couldn't be with him, but man the kids must have lost their minds when she left again.
Pretty big detail I left out there...
Yeah... I'm gone. Guess I just needed to get it out to some folks who would shoot straight with me because they don't know me, and hear what I needed to hear.
This should be a lovely evening...
Hey, don't let her give you a
Hey, don't let her give you a bunch of grief about your decision. What, is she going to bully you into staying? Do role reversal. Would she stay with someone who hid her presence in his life? She may not want to be with EX and care about you, but she is either ambivalent or a huge wimp who is afraid to draw boundaries. And she is very very dishonest too--with you, herself, EX and kids. Not good.
If she claims to want you, she needs to finish the divorce legally, mentally and emotionally and be honest with the kids that she is moving on.
PS are you sure EX is the one stalling? And about the order not to introduce "paramours" to the kids? That sounds fishy to me.
I actually saw the order (I
I actually saw the order (I was subpoenanaed) but you're probably right, she's the one who hasn't made it happen. I've made a few mistakes along the way, like emailing her husband after she went back and texting him, but the truth is she could have ended it and even if she couldn't have finalized the divorce she could have told him, and the kids, and stopped staying at his house and stopped showing up at things with him and riding home with him (tonight) and drawm some clear lines, and she didn't.
So, I ended it tonight.
You need to leave now. She
You need to leave now. She is married and you guys are having an affair. You say her husband is driving by the house? He doesnt know that you guys are together. She lies to everyone about you. Someone who loves you wouldnt hurt you and thats what she is doing. She is playing family with her husband and kids and then messing with you on the side. ON THE SIDE! You are not her main focus and dont let her play that "my kids" bullshit.
You sound like my shrink
You sound like my shrink
Thanks for being brutally honest. I needed to hear it. And... you're right.
I'm with everyone who says to
I'm with everyone who says to MOVE ON!
She is not available to you right now to work on a relationship with her. You've already invested SO MUCH of your time into TRYING, and you've basically been disrespected.
In a few years, she may be ready...but will you want HER back? Once you move from the relationship, you may come to realize that all you have is BAD MEMORIES of you plugging away and she resisting.
I certainly admire the fact that you KNOW it isn't working and that you KNOW it's time to do something. You could have wasted more years on this, only to get the shaft in the end.
Run, amigo, run!! Please keep us all posted with the happiness you find in the future!
I thing that you should move
I thing that you should move on with your live, you don't have any kids and you can look for somebody nice with no kids and no problems with no ex-husbands, get out of there as soon as you can and start again i wish somebody would have told me that 5 years ago before i got married with a man that have 2 other kids..
Well, I ended it tonight. I
Well, I ended it tonight.
I told her that a relationship counselor, AND my shrink (who she made me see because she said I was nuts), AND you folks told me that enough is enough.
I gave her the chance to do it right or get lost and after I called her on it she tried to turn the tables on me and say that if I didn't understand that she had to ride home with the kids and the husband because her kid was sick she didn't want to be with me anyway, but at that point I had finished it off and didn't care either way.
I guess I came here to be told what I already knew, but I appreciate y'all shooting straight with me. She clearly didn't intend for it to work the way she told me she did and that's okay. Lesson learned. I'm sure she's at his house tonight. I wasted a lot of my life but at least I didn't waste any more.
Good for you. At least you
Good for you. At least you thought it through and feel certain about your decision. You dont want to waver on this, as it just turns into a game.
I agree that she is simply still married. I had a guy break things off with me and said it was because I was still married, and it pissed me off because here is how the timeline went. I had FILED for the divorce on Oct 10, went on a first date with this guy Oct 25, he broke things off with me on Nov 10 (because I was married) and my divorce was final on Nov 23. I could see his issue if it was being disputed and dragged out, or if things were going on like you are dealing with, but they werent. Yes, my ex was acting like a psycho, but he wasnt disputing the divorce and I certainly wasnt seeing him regularly!
I'm sorry you got your heart broken and feel like you wasted time, but it's for the best that you ended it. She really shouldnt be starting something new right now anyways and Should be looking out for her kids. You were just the rebound to help her leave him (if she even does leave him). Glad you stopped in for some feedback. Take care!