Marital issues & sister-in-law
So my husband & I are having issues. He's wanting to leave due to our fighting over stupid issues. My problem is he constantly tells his sister about our fights but never includes what he has done in the relationship. So last week I told her about it so she could gain a real perspective of the relationship. She then went on facebook and told everyone about what I had done in the marriage & told everyone I was schizophrenic and needed meds!My husband never said I word to her about it...his reasoning bc he had planned to leave anyways. So I guess that makes it ok.
So we decided to keep working on our marriage w/ counseling then we had another fight two nights ago at four in the morning. He of course tells his sister about it and I find out they have been talking about me the entire time behind my back. He says he has to talk to someone about it & I admit its better than his ex-wife when he was talking to her about it...but that's another story. Now he's once again not sure if he wants to do the counseling and his sis is telling him he should get a hotel and such. This is not helping and very discouraging. I have no idea what to do. If hes comfortable talking about me behind my back I feel our marriage is broken beyond repair. Or do I just work on it and ignore their talk?
Sorry, but this is not good.
Sorry, but this is not good. I can understand, because although my DH CLAIMS the has never done that (more than once), I am 100% sure he has (more than once)...and IT was what created so many issues in our marriage. Eventually, ie. in the last year or so, he has changed...sigh...mind you, I didn't figure this whole deal out until not long ago...we have been together 13 yrs. If I had known this is what was causing our issues, I would have run for the hills. I STILL cannot trust that the day we argue he won't go talk to his crappy family...but he has been warned that if he does and I find out, he's out.
PS - when I found out he had talked to his sister about it, I found out because we had an argument and a while later he went to sleep...something told me something was off...I checked his phone and he had texts from his sister telling him "remember you can always come home with us..."...I literally threw the phone on the floor and crushed it...When he woke up looking for his phone, I showed it to him...I then showed him the text from his sister...He was speechless...I told him THAT was ONE of the reasons we have had so many issues in our relationship and if that is what he plans to do, then he could go...he was in shock...he gave me the same BS line, he needed someone to talk to...I told him to call a hooker if he wanted to, but NEVER his family because they would NEVER be impartial...just like I have never told my parents of our issues. He decided to stay. So far, I don't think he has done it...but again, if I catch him, I am out.
That's exactly what his
That's exactly what his sister tells him and it makes me feel like its them against me and I can't compete. He looked his facebook after his sister did that but he still lets me look at his phone. That's how I see what they text each other. I understand what you mean about family not being impartial...maybe I can express that to him. There for a while he was discussing our fights with his ex wife. Now what sense does that make? He finally saw how inappropriate that was so he stopped.
we had another fight two
we had another fight two nights ago at four in the morning
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I gotta ask...why?
He woke me up when he came to
He woke me up when he came to bed at four...after I had been asleep for an hour. He had stayed up to watch p*rn on the computer but it was the second night in a row. I don't care about the porn I care more about him making a habit out of it and waking me up when he comes to bed late :/
If the issues are stupid then
If the issues are stupid then the fights are over the wrong things. I.e. there are underlying problems. A good marriage counselor will have this out within two months. Go alone if he won't go and see if the real problems can be dug up.
I know the real reasons to
I know the real reasons to our fights...my insecurity. BUT, I have plenty and I mean plenty of reason to feel insecure in our marriage. As far as I can tell these issues haven't happened in a long time but they still leave doubts in my head.
DH used to do this before we
DH used to do this before we were married. I told him that if he needs to talk to someone about our problems, then it should be me or at least give the full story to someone that he trusts that's actually in a healthy relationship. He did not want to look like the bad guy.
That's the exact issue he
That's the exact issue he has. He can't tell the full story about our fights or why I am the way I am or his secrets would be out & I wouldn't be the only bad guy. I while back ago he told me he wanted a divorce so I told his sister what had happened in our marriage...that's when she went on facebook talking crap about me but never once brought up the things her brother had done to cause these problems. So frustrating.
Everyone needs to be able to
Everyone needs to be able to talk to someone about what is going on. In this case I would say sister in law is not the best choice for him to confide in, since she is not actually keeping what is said in confidence. He needs to talk to a friend or counselor.
I honestly bitch about my FDH directly to his mother }:) . She and I have a great relationship and I once read that you should complain about issues with your spouse to his/her mother because they will forgive him/her and have a deeper understanding of him/her. If you complain to your family they will always hold grudges and never forgive him/her for hurting you or making you upset.
Maybe you can suggest this to your H and see if talking to one of your friends or family members helps him to understand you better since they have known you so much longer.
Never thought about that but
Never thought about that but sounds like a great idea. He knows that one of my friends and my mom know about everything and now he's embarassed to go around them. My mom says good he should be embarrassed. Every couple I've talked to says they have stupid fights but my husband thinks bc him and his ex wife didn't fight this much that it must just be me. I told him a failed marriage is not a good comparison to a marriage he's in now especially since his ex and are completely different.
I would completely flip my
I would completely flip my lid if I was ever compared to BM -- and I am a very calm person. Your mom would not be good for him to talk to at this point because she is angry wit him. I would suggest a mutual friend or the best option would be a counselor. I really think with proper communication channels and constructive argument tools in place you guys have a shot at getting through this rough patch. We all have them, its just how much you both are willing to work on it.
He needs therapy. Let him
He needs therapy. Let him talk to the therapist about his problems. This will lead to more problems...I would think about someone who discusses his marriage so publicly. None of their business.
I agree a therapist would
I agree a therapist would definitely help...together and separate. I've realized the mistakes I've made and am working on correcting them. I also see though that everyone has issues about them...no body is perfect. His sister really did a number over on me...she took it down off facebook a couple days later but still. All her friends were dogging me bad, and they don't even know me. She 37 too by the way so posting drama on facebook for the public seems quite childish for someone her age.
Glad to say he spoke to his
Glad to say he spoke to his sister and told her that posting things on facebook is off limits. She said she will still ask him how we're doing and ask how I'm treating him but at least he stood up for me. Makes me feel much better. Thank you for all the advice.