My DH and I have been married for a year, living together for 2. He is in the military and is gone frequently and even when he's home he has to work overnight every 3-4 days. Normally he has visitation EOWE but even that is usually cut short because since he has to work overnight and there is an ROFR in the decree. I have dealt with many children and SD3 is far beyond simply being "difficult" but god forbid I say anything about DH's perfect princess.

Well BM wanted to go on vacation and offered to "let" DH have SD3 for 3 weeks. DH couldn't get time off work. Originally my MIL was going to fly into town and stay with us during that time, so ok, sure, that visitation sounds fine.

MIL it turned out had already booked a trip with her sisters so she couldn't come and I said I didn't think we should take the visitation for a multitude of reasons:

1) DH works 12+ hours a day plus overnights every 3-4 days. He'd hardly be home to visit with SD, so I'D be the one having visitation. (He can't take leave right now)
2) SD and I do not have a good relationship. There is a lot of PAS going on as well as poor parenting and SD3 self harms and lashes out violently towards others (not to mention the screaming). I think that there is some kind of mental issue going on, but I think it's 10% that and 90% poor parenting.
3) I am currently dealing with physical and emotional issues that I am getting help for and the stress of going from hardly dealing with SD to being her primary caregiver for an extended period of time is too much for me to handle.

Well, of course, I could sense the resentment growing from DH and it's exploded lately with him pointing in my face telling me "YOU'RE the reason I'm not having visitation right now!" and "Any time is better than no time at all" and to top it off "What is your job then?" (I am currently staying at home after a horrific car accident and have been for about a year so DH is supporting myself and BD7 while I wait on the settlement from my case)

I told DH I'm willing to work on building a relationship with SD, but that I can't make any promises and I think it's unrealistic to expect me to be the daycare center when BM feels like going on a vacation/not paying for childcare. DH is acting like I'm the worst person on the planet and thinks it's unfair that I expect him to arrange visitations for when he can take leave. I even said that if it was an occasional watch her for a few hours/an overnight every one in a blue moon I could live with that, but 3-6 weeks is ridiculous and doesn't benefit anyone (except maybe him)

I brought DH to an appointment with my therapist who helped to explain why it's inappropriate and to help DH realize that he's taking out all the anger/guilt/resentment of SD being in a bad situation living with BM on me. He just didn't want to hear it. Now I've spent the past few days crying and feeling like DH hates me. It sucks because we had been TTC for almost a year and I've been undergoing fertility treatments and recently had a surgical procedure that was very painful to make it happen, and now he says he doesn't want to have a family with me.

I keep telling him that I can work on having a relationship with SD3 (reasonable enough I figure) but that it takes years to do and I can't promise when/if there will be a time where I feel comfortable watching SD on my own for that length of time. My grown-up mind knows that it's ridiculous to resent a child but it's kind of hard when that's literally the only thing that DH and I argue about.