Holiday question
I'm definitely a newbie here.. in my last post I said I'd be back with a stupid question.. here's my stupid question. Well, it's two questions!
Should I buy my FH kids Christmas gifts from me?
I already thought of getting the BM a gift from me and my FH and having him record her reaction on his phone. That's just mean.. but funny. haha. I'm not going to do that though. ANYWAY!! Me and my boyfriend are engaged and I only recently met his two youngest daughters, 6 and 11, twice. He has another daughter, 16, who I never met yet. I wanted to start buying some gifts in a week or two for the holidays. I asked my FH if he thought it would be odd if I bought his 3 girls something small for Christmas. His response was, and get ready to hear how helpful his response was, "I don't know. What do you think?" What kinda answer was THAT?! haha. I personally don't see a problem with it. I don't know them very well, especially considering the oldest one I never met.
Tell me if I'm wrong here.. I would have met the oldest if I went up to BM's house for this Halloween. FH asked if I wanted to go trick or treating with him and the kids. I declined for two reasons. 1. I don't have kids but I still do have nieces and a nephew who I'm close to and I plan on trick or treating with them then handing out candy with my oldest niece who I helped raise. 2. I don't think I'm quite ready to meet the "ex". Seen her.. Never met her. I've had problems with FH and BM texting way too much. 150 - 200 texts in 5 days. In my book, that's not appropriate. I spoke up and in a round about way said it's me or her, choose. I don't mind if it's about the kids but I told him I seen the texts and a forth of the texts are about the kids the rest aren't. She was trying to call him all yesterday and she finally text him and asked why aren't you answering. He responded with, "Cause it's not fair to my fiance that I talk to my ex all the time." She said she wouldn't call again. We'll see how long THAT lasts.. 5 days?? lol So I already have an annoyance with her and I don't feel like putting on a happy face the entire time just to get back in the car and roll my eyes. I felt skipping Halloween with his kids was a good idea. What do you guys think?
If you truly want to give
If you truly want to give gifts without expecting them to reciprocate, go for it.
My brother and I do not get separate gifts from our stepdad; my mom just adds his name to whatever gift she gives us. It's no biggie.
I think getting them
I think getting them something small would be nice. DH and I combine now that we are married but when we were engaged I would buy them each a small $15-$20 gift just as a peace offering gesture. They seemed to appreciate it, especially since they didn't expect anything. Like twopines mentioned though, as long as you don't expect anything in return, which I didn't, it should be fine.
1) as long as you want to and
1) as long as you want to and you dont expect anything in return like the others said go for it.
2) do what make you comfortable on Halloween. Some BM's come with a whole lot of Drama, Trust me, and some seem to change the second they meet the new GF in their ex's life. Our BM was perfectly fine with him dating but the second she met me and could see we were serious about each other something inside of her snapped (read my most recent blog for an example). But take your time there is no hurry to "meet the ex"
I got SD gifts separately
I got SD gifts separately until we got married. I didn't discuss it with DH ahead of time. During our first Christmas, she had been avoiding DH because "she didn't like me" but I still got her something small for Christmas. I intending to continue getting her something after we got married, but DH told me not to, and signed my name to everything he bought her. Fine by me...saves me money!
I say don't do it... From a
I say don't do it...
From a child's perspective, it might be ULTRA weird...
My dad had a girl friend that did waaaaayyy too much too soon, and it turned my sister and I all the way off...We weren't againt dad having girl friends or anything, but seriously...She did some things that were WAAAY too soon...You said you've only met them twice? That might not come off too positively in their eyes...
To us it made us feel like she was trying to be our mother...
On the OTHER hand...a few years later, he married another woman (my favorite step-mother) and she actually gave my dad money to get us something for Christmas (we found this out years later)...We didn't know her that well, and she didn't want to come off too "pushy"...She said she didn't want to put us in an uncomfortable situation, as she knew my dad would put us on the spot to make us say, "thank you" or we liked it and she hadn't learned us well enough to know what we liked or didn't like...She just wanted to make sure my dad had enough money to get us gifts...
I appreciate that perspective and approach...
I'm wondering the same stuff.
I'm wondering the same stuff. my boyfriend and I live together he haas two children... boys and thinks we should do things equally between my son and his two sons... which my son will be waking up there xmas morning his wont be... plus their mom will be doing the whole santa thing.... should I be worrying about what his sons are getting or take care of mine first than help him???
You are planning on a future
You are planning on a future with your bf so impo a small gift for each of the girls would be entirely appropriate and probably best if given at FDH's house, and not in front of BM - IF she is a problem you dont want to create more issues and opportunities for insecurities to be planted (which happens many times when it comes to some BM's).
For the 16 yr old I would attach a little note, stating you know you havent met however you wanted to wish her a happy xmas and new year. I dont think this is too much either. I had a new stepmother when I was 16/17 and would not have reacted badly to this, in fact I think its a really nice idea.
As a side note, I agree with the others and just say dont expect anything in return and I wouldnt spend alot either just because that can lead to resentment if they arent appreciated as much as you would expect or like!
Good luck.
Just like Shielded said, I
Just like Shielded said, I thought it *might* come off as being pushy but I wasn't sure. Then again I felt if me and my fiance put both our names on just one gift a piece from them then it might be TOO weird for them. I'm pretty sure I might just get them something small. Like the oldest, 16 yr old, maybe get her body sprays or lotions from her fave store or a shirt. That's something I would do for my own niece who's around her age. The note idea that Delilah said isn't a bad idea either unless I happen to meet her before the holidays. And no, I don't expect anything from them. To me, I was thinking it was a nice gesture being Christmas and all.
OH and DEFINTELY I wouldn't send the gifts over to the BM's! I think she's already having a problem with me without even meeting me! He sees his kids at his Dad's on Christmas Eve and I figured I'd send the gifts over then. I don't think I'll be able to make it cause the only day my entire family including Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents see one another is on Christmas Eve at literally the same time my fiance goes over his dads. Bad timing I tell ya! Fiance also goes to BM's on Christmas morning too, that I definitely won't do, at least not this year or ever. I'm in NO rush to meet the BM.
Livinglife... Do you mean you and your boyfriend are going to spend the same amount of money or giving gifts separately to the kids?
I would get a gift -
I would get a gift - something like a holiday ornament. Small, simple, easy and your done.