The Day After...
...
I am trying so hard to explain to DH how uncomfortable his ex-wife is making me by just barging in our home, etc. yesterday, again, and I went off on him like a grenade and let a lot out, and so did he. I told him off in a way, how I do EVERYTHING around here, taking care of a VERY active BS1 and not weighing enough here, to even vacuum the stupid floor that has NOT been vacuumed now, for 3 freaking weeks and he drops everything when SS8 comes over, and does not help me out,please? just a "little", for once? jeez.
Please?! What can I do? This is NOT right. I understand that he should visit with his son, BUT , what about me and BS1? DH IGNORED me all day yesterday too, and was coddling his 8 year old son, right in front of me, but would not give me the time of day.
We finally spoke at 1am, and he tells me this? : " I can't live like this anymore. I am miserable. I am trying to make everyone 'happy' (what about me), etc. I'm tired of the mean things you say to me", (do not want his ex barging in my home and his job is not making the bills)...
I don't know anymore. We only argue on the days of visits. Then we are happy? I don't get 'it', I suppose. I feel like a monster here but I have every right to speak my peace, right?
there needs to be boundaries.
there needs to be boundaries. He's not respecting the home that you two have created together by allowing bm to barge into your home.
And honestly, it's rude of her to do that but it's even more rude of him to allow it to continue.
I think that you really need to sit home down and explain what the real concerns are for you. Write it all out with bullet points. That will keep you focused on the real issues and not he said vs. she said.
If you can at least get a compromise then that is also working toward a common goal.
He feels guilty and is being a guilty daddy. It will only get worse if you don't find a way to get through to him.
I agree with both of you. I'm
I agree with both of you. I'm not asking a lot here. I just want to feel respected, secure, and loved?
Yes, I feel blackmailed almost. The old shut her up tactic.
DH: " Yes, BM is a bitch but I have to deal with this person to see my son."
Right. Understood. What about BS1 and me though? I have NO problem with SS8. None. Jeez. Just keep her away from MY home and help me out, just a little, with major housework? I have nobody to help me here, at all. I am so small I can't even lift the vacuum cleaner. Not asking a lot here, you know? Nobody seems to understand. When you have a toddler, climbing the walls, pulling the knobs off of a GAS stove, etc. I can't exactly cook you all a 3 course meal?!
I am SO TIRED. Help?
Oh. DH would NEVER get shared
Oh. DH would NEVER get shared custody with BS1. I would make sure of that. I've seen the results of 50/50. I have 2 kids. The eldest is now on his own and his dad and I divorced when he was 15. I had full custody but kept an open door. They have not seen each other in 6 years now. I never forced him, nor told him not to see his dad either. It was up to the two of them but eldest BS did fine with me. Not a dime in C/S either. I said "no."
I'm not a crazy BM here BUT with this SM experience now, there is no way I would bounce BS1 back and forth. Sorry, but no.
IF DH wants to destroy this new family, he can get a 2nd job, move on, and pay C/S. just like his 1st mistake before. Some people never learn by their mistakes. Not until it is too late.
DH will wind up and old man, all alone, looking back at how he fucked up the best thing that God could have gave him. It is all free will.
I'm so tired of hearing how I am "mentally ill", when I do get upset with him. What is with that?
Please understand. I am so
Please understand. I am so confused. I feel like I have the right to be upset, yet, it is deemed abnormal by DH and I am sitting here today wondering what happened. WTH was I crying last night BEGGING him to talk to me but he rolls over and tells me that I am the one who is hurting him?? HE wasn't the one crying though?
That sounds so much like
That sounds so much like like my partner. His kids come first, then his ex, then rugby and i come next if hes got time. Its hard as if he was ticking my boxes i would nt be bothered about anything eslse but i also just feel like cooker, cleaner and bottle washer!
I get told im mad going mad or just being totally irrational.. its never him, and your right it is totally draining, and then you have to put up with his kids when hes got then to keep the peace, but that ends in a row. I get told its to hot to cuddle or hold my hand but hes there in a flash to hold his daughters!.. and so the resentment grows..
lastin line... I understand
lastin line... I understand exactly what you are saying. I'm so tired too. Nobody to talk to about anything here. I don't know one single person going through the same thing. I don't know what I am, anymore.
Jeez. Couldn't he have atleast helped me out yesterday with the housework instead of being stuck up SS8's butt?
And what about me, you know? Why am I "crazy" for being so freaking tired and hurt? Who wouldn't go crazy in this situation? YES, why is it always keeping the two of them happy? There is something really odd going on here, and it is not just paranoia. Who does this man really care about? Is he living in some fantasy world? BM REMARRIED. So has DH? Yet, it is like he is only here to create some allusion, like he is making things "right", for his past? BTW- BM and DH lived in THIS home for 7 years together and had SS8 here, as well. Do you think I feel a bit uncomfortable here with this going on? ... :? Yes!
I am stupid. I should have
I am stupid. I should have not caved. That was the mistake. THAT gave him control. How can I flip this around? I don't want to appear desperate.
Need help, please? Here is
Need help, please? Here is the "counter reaction" email to DH from me, for his "gaslighting." I just read up on this term.
DH,
I have been thinking all morning and you are right. I do not want to keep on making you miserable and unhappy. If this is truly the case, and you have no interest in working anything out, anymore, I'm with you. You have every right to have a happy life, and so do I. There are many interests and aspirations of mine, that I have let fall through, in the past few years. I can't continue to cry and to get you to feel me and give me a shoulder to cry on, when I am hurt if it is making you so miserable. You told me last night that you should have never come back to us, a year ago. If we can't forgive and heal as one, there is really no use in trying anymore. One day, you will need a caring ear and will be balled up crying with the person you love right by you, and not even caring enough about you to get down on the floor and put loving arms around you. I don't expect you to fully understand the pain of having bad parents, dead relatives and friends and all of a sudden having a baby in your life, full time. I really needed your help with 'some' housework, etc. It is not my fault that I am tiny and we have not had the money to buy a lightweight vacuum that I could even lift off the floor. I always tried to make due with what we did have, and keep smiling.
To me, the true meaning of marriage is that we make mistakes, we endure hard times, BUT we should always feel like our spouse is our tower to lean on. That doesn't mean money, either. Marriage to me is not just about money and finances. If that were the case, there would just be a form of joint, civil agreement in between the two.
I apologize again. I do have feelings and get hurt sometimes. Like I said, I do not want you to be unhappy in life with me. I am going to give it my all and get myself back up on my feet, and be me again, as well.
I will always love you,
I can relate to you a lot. My
I can relate to you a lot. My DH finds a way to turn everything around on me and try to convince me I am the one with the problem. He even says I am crazy. Last night we got into a big argument because his dog (that he had before we were together) bit me- well he turns it around & says oh it’s just a little yorkie, it didn’t hurt, I can’t get rid of him, I’ve had him forever, blah blah blah. He just made excuse after excuse for why there will be no consequences (I wanted the dog out of my house because this is not the first time it has bit someone- last time it was his daughter). He does the same thing with SD- nothing is her fault and she is not held accountable for any of her actions or behavior. It’s called guilty daddy syndrome from what I have read, or people also refer to them as Disney dads. We do the 50/50 thing you mentioned. As soon as SD walks in the door, the world stops for her. DH no longer sits down and talks with me after work, does not show me any affection whatsoever, nothing. It’s all about SD. & it’s making her so entitled too because every day she is at our house, DH wants it to be FUN like she’s on vacation- I keep telling him she’s not on vacation, this is her life- I hope sooner than later the 50/50 crap stops. It sounds like your DH is a lot like mine. It’s his way or the highway. When I told him his dog had to go, he said if the dog goes, he goes. That type of crap happens every single time we have an argument. He will act like we are breaking up instead of trying to find a common ground and a solution to the problem. He will say I’ll never find another guy like him, whatever he has to say to make me think I am wrong (I don’t think I am wrong, but I can never get through to him). A lot of others don’t understand- they say they would make him do whatever it is we are arguing about.. well please tell me how you force a grown man to do something he doesn’t want to do because I would love to know! I definitely feel your pain & I hope it gets better for you.