Your partner yelled at you in front of her kid? That is wrong in so many ways. First it puts you on the same level as the child. And it has given the child all sorts of ammunition to use against you and she now knows she never has to do what you say.

Why are you in this relationship? It sounds like the kids and her ex play a more important role in her life than you do.

If you want to keep trying, do some research on "disengage." There is lots of info on this site. The basic idea is you disengage from everything having to do with the kids. You don't do anything for them like cooking, or laundry or driving them places. You don't get involved with how they are parented or what they do or don't do - unless it directly effects you.

Since it sounds like quite a bit of money goes their way it would be a good idea to keep your finances separate. That way your partner can spend as much as she wants on her kids without it effecting you.

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Welcome to the site!  You are not a parent, but we have all been children, and hopefully most of us have some idea of rewarding good behaviour and sanctioning bad, and about doing chores, and not spoiling kids by showering them with expensive gifts.  

I have to say, I don't think you should have said that the children are spoiled, in front of them, and I don't think you and your partner should have got into an argument about it in front of them either. She certainly should not have said the things she said in her daughter's hearing - that was SUCH a bad mistake.  This is a matter which should have been discussed privately between you.  

You most definitely are allowed a view on child raising - and the fact that your partner is not very good at parenting by the sounds of it and is raising spoiled brats, is not going to endear either them or her, to you and is evidently making you very resentful.  You and she need to hammer this out if your relationship stands a chance.    To me, it doesn't matter whether your finances are separate or not - it's hard to stand by and see your partner make a hash of parenting and be expected to keep silent. I had this problem as well - and even though I'd raised two girls successfully to late teens by the time I met my DH who had young children, he still resented me giving input on childrearing!  

You are not their parent, but that statement goes both ways - meaning you also are not responsible for day to day parenting tasks, either - cooking, laundry, homework, discipline etc.  So if you are doing that stuff, stop now. Your SO can’t have it both ways. 

I did not parent my SS but my DH welcomes my opinion on things - to a point. Ultimately it’s his decision how to deal with his kid. Fortunately I feel he’s a good parent. You have to decide if you can put up with poorly parented children living in your home. 

It was said loud and clear that you aren't the parent, so stop acting like one.

No more cooking dinner for the kids. No more packing lunches or pouring bowls of cereal. No more doing their laundry, helping with school work, driving them to and from school, paying for anything for them, etc. If you don't get authority, then you have no responsibility. Embrace it.

This also includes splitting your finances totally. You pay rent just on YOU. You pay utilities just on YOU. Whether the equitable thing to do is you pay 25% of household expenses, or 1/3 doesn't matter. You SHOULD NOT be paying 50% of ANYTHING because you aren't responsible for helping support those kids. Again, no responsibility if you have no authority.

Also, keep in mind that you aren't actually mad at the kids for being spoiled. You're mad at MOM for spoiling the kids. SHE is responsible for the behavior, and it's unattractive. Next time you all fight about the kids:

"No, I don't dislike your kids. I dislike how YOU are raising them. YOUR lack of parenting is making them unappreciative of what they have. YOUR constant giving in means they aren't learning responsibility. Their lack of ability to function in society is a direct result of YOUR poor skills, not theirs. My frustration is with YOUR PARENTING making OUR mutual home, which I help pay for and am an EQUAL ADULT IN, unbearable to live in. Be a better parent, and I'll have a better relationship with your kids. This failing is on YOU."

Always link it back to the parent. It is their fault for either parenting poor behavior or allowing it (with some exception). 

What was your SO doing while his ex wife was yelling at you? If he didn’t step in, then you should seriously think twice about whether or not you want to be with that man. He allowed his EX wife to come into your home and tell you what you wouldn’t do in your own home. That is overstepping so many boundaries, it’s not even funny. I would be furious.

As far as the “you’re not a parent” comment. That’s a pretty common refrain that childfree stepmoms hear. My response is to decide that they are right, I am not a parent, so I should not be expected to act like one with my SKids, including paying for things for them. People can’t have it both ways - they can’t insist that you have no right to act like a parent because you are not a parent, while also expecting you to have parental feelings or provide for SKids as if you are their parent. Bio parents need to pick a side and stay on it - either they would like you to act like a parent with their kids and then allow you to have a parenting say or they want you to have no say, but in return they don’t expect you to do all the positive parenting things for their children. 

You and SO are supposed to be equity life partners  and that makes you equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology.  Your SO just told you that you are not her equity life partner. 

You now know where  you stand so call the locksmith, rekey the locks and move on wiith your life.

I would not tolerate or remain in a marriage that I was not an equity partner in.

She owns this, you need to force feed  her the consequences of her choice to consider you less than her equity life partner.

Good luck.

Just to be clear... did you call her child spoiled... in front of the child?  Yeah.. that is a lead balloon right there. 

Many others have mentioned.. if she is able to pay for spoiling her kids.. that is her business... as long as you are not subsidizing. 

I will let you in on another little secret (childless as well.. with 2 SD's).  You will never, ever be able to point out or convince your partner that her children are bad in any way.  so stop.  You know what she hears?  bla..blah.. blah.. I hate your kid.. blah.. blah.. blah.  Yeah, I know that's not what you said.. but that is what SHE hears.

Criticism of the child has to be very carefully crafted.  There is more than one way to skin a cat.

Re the computer... (now, i of course hope that you did not tell her mom in front of the kid that she didn't need a computer after mom said she could probably get one.. )  Honey,  we have several computers already that we can give to her.. but I'm really worried about her safety.  look at the statistics on guardchild.com. CyberBullying.. being approached by predators.. you know over 40% of kids will be approached online by a predator?  I'm worried that she might not be safe.. or mature enough yet to handle the responsibility.  I would hate for anything bad to happen to her... or for her to come accross stuff that isn't age appropriate.

By the way, my SD's were bought a computer when they were 11 and 7 respectively.. yep... looked up sex stuff.. computer was moved to a public space where they could be monitored.

That's the kind of input that it's ok to give.  I'm worried about what is going to happen when she goes to eat at someone else's house.. she is using her hands for the mashed potatoes.. someone might make fun of her.

I'm worried kids will make fun of her because she smells.. she needs to change underwear daily... really.

Now, again, you are not the kids' parent.  So, you don't have that obligation to care for them.. that is on mom and dad.  You can be helpful to your partner.. but in the end, it's her choice to raise the kids as she wants.. if the kids make your home unbearable.. you can decide whether the relationship is worth it.

Stand up, say, "I will not be talked to this way, especially not in front of your children."  

And walk away! 

You have the right to be treated like an adult in the home and not to be demeaned and humiliated in front her brats.  

Dude, you’re in for a miserable time. This won’t get better

I definitely understand how you are feeling, and I know this comment is coming a lot later than your original post. My SO got offended when we were in a restaraunt with SS2 who was throwing a tantrum. I suggested for him to not discipline the child in public and to do it in the bathroom or car, because the child ended up screaming and crying as SO ignored it. It was embaressing, and he said to me "No one will tell me how to raise my child, not even you." 

It really hurt my feelings because he already knows how I feel left out. So the way I handled it and the advice I give you:

I sat him down and explained to him that it is not okay to speak to me that way. He is 100% correct in saying that he has the right to discipline his child however he feels best, however, if we are going to be in this together, raising this child together, I need to be treated with respect. If he doens't want me to have a say in anything, he is more than welcome to do it on his own since I have chosen to love his son and be a part of his life. He ended up apologizing and saying that he did not mean for it to hurt my feelings in the way that it did. He also said that he would be more cautious about how he disciplines his son in respect to my feelings. I hope things worked out for you, and you were able to move on from this. 

Regardless of how your partner may feel on the topic. She should NEVER yell at you in fornt of your kid. You also probably shouldn't have made the spoiled comment in fron to fht ekid. This is a closed door type of argument to have.

You need to be treated with respect. I agree kids should earn things. But have that chat with your person behind closed doors. I've talked to Dh about this. I told him if he doesn't agree with what I've said to a kid or how I handled things, that's great, however, he needs to wait until we're in private to question me (so long as the child isn't hurt or in danger of course.)