Something that you have a right to change VS Something you have to let go
I'd like to hear from all you childless stepparents out there. There are many things that drive us crazy - about our stepchildren, our spouse, our spouse's former spouses.
My question is: How do you know when you have a right to change something? How do you know when you have to let go?
I'm learning, slowly. A comment here on this forum really prompted me to ask myself: DOES THIS IMPACT ME? At first, my answer was always YES! It all impacts me. My husband's former wife's thoughtless behavior. The way my stepchild is neglected in small ways at her mom's. My husband's "whatevs" attitude. It ALL impacts me.
But then I took a step back. I took a breath. And I realized I could let go.
When I really looked at things, I realized that there were very few things that truly impacted me directly. Those things I have a right to change. Everything else I must learn to let go.
Here's an example of something I believe I had a right to change. It may seem small, but I hope that you all will understand why it mattered to me.
Thank you, in advance, for reading and for sharing your thoughts!
http://childlessstepparent.wordpress.com/2013/01/24/the-significance-of-...
It is different for each
It is different for each person and situation.
For me, I get involved in nothing and only make suggestions when asked. But in my situation, ss does not live with us and has never been allowed to visit and my DH is going to do whatever floats his boat anyway, so unless it's a hill I'm "willing to die on," I let it go.
Coming to the realization that I needed to let it all go was slow and painful for me. DH obviously loves his son, but just isn't willing to put up the kind of fight to get to see him as BM is to keep him away from DH. I lived through the vengeful divorce of my parents and the years of court turmoil afterwards and was aware of everything; I also lived through the divorce of my mom to her 2nd husband; overall, I felt I had a lot of information and resources DH could use to wage his legal battle. In the end, it was all for not. He ended up telling me to back off in a very hurtful way, threatened to leave, and then played some country song at full volume on repeat for like an hour. Something about "cause she don't make me." I immediately stopped talking to him about his son at all. I watched from a distance as he lost basically everything he was asking for in court - even the CS modification that had been calculated incorrectly was not changed appropriately.
I love my DH and have no intention of leaving him; however, I find that I can't engage in his situation with his son or with his crazy family. Each time I get sucked in, I end up feeling weaker, not stronger, for the battle.
If by some strange chance ss were to appear on our front doorstep to live in our house, I realize my view of the situation would have to change dramatically. There is no way DH could enforce house rules based on his work schedule - he's gone 12+ hr.s every day except most weekends. I would be forced into the role of primary care taker while ss was in our home. While ss is a sweet kid, he has FAS, and I'm fairly certain I am not equipped to deal with it. At that point, DH and I would need to re-evaluate the family dynamics.