Frustration
Since we're here to vent and I can't really vent about this to my partner without feeling like a broken record or like something I need to say may cause an argument....
Here's the skinny: I've got twin step-kids, boy and girl age 4.5. They're great -- we have a wonderful relationship. I've been with them since they were 2 and it seems like it only gets better with them everyday I see them. My partner and I share 50/50 custody with their bio-mom. She's trying most times, unbearable other times. I was with my partner during the fun with custody, so I have a much worse situation to compare her to and it's never been as bad since then. The stress comes and goes, but it's manageable -- especially when my partner and I are very careful to be on the same page whenever it involves her or the kids. It seems like the only time we fight is when we aren't explicitly following those guidelines...
I wish I could have kids of my own. I'm thirty, my biological clock is screaming, and I can't have kids. I want to be happy with the situation I have, but it's difficult even in the best of times. I hate hearing, "it's different when they're your own," or any variation of that I'm sure we've all heard countless times. It'll be Mother's Day again soon, and I'll get to go through all of that again, too. I've already warned my partner that Mother's Day needs to be handled differently this year than it has in previous years. (It was ugly and in retrospect I'm sure it will be hilarious. However, hilarity is many years to come.)
I found out very recently that my sister in law and my partner's ex are pregnant and due to deliver within the same two weeks. Aside from the odd timing, it's hard not to overthink this. I want, so much, to be excited for my sister in law. Despite my mixed feelings about my partner's ex, I want to be happy for my stepkids. But the truth is that my jealousy is overriding most of what I know should be a happy occasion. The public veneer is smiles, gifts, handshakes, and hugs; but really this situation just makes me want to hide and/or cry.
On the one hand, it seems petty to be this upset about my inability to produce offspring, but on the other hand, there seems so little I can do about changing that right now. Being a stepparent is both fulfilling and unfulfilling. I would like to find a way to make what I have fulfilling. I could use a positive outlook.
I don't know if this article
I don't know if this article will help you at all, but here ya are any way
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-t-kelly-ma/help-for-the-childless-st_...
sachs
Adoption has crossed my mind
Adoption has crossed my mind many times. It's a long and expensive process. We already have two young children to look after and my partner seems less than enthusiastic about more children in our lives. He sees the relationship I have with his children as enormously positive and thinks that should be what I concentrate on instead of what I don't have. I can't say that be isn't right, but it's becoming more and more obvious that he doesn't see motherhood in the same way I do. The last conversation I had with him about Mother's Day turned into a crying fit. He tells me that I should celebrate my relationship with the kids and that my anxiety isn't valid. How can I celebrate a relationship when I'm not with the people I'm suppose to celebrate with? How will the kids ever even see me as someone worth celebrating in their lives if he isn't willing/able to illustrate that to them? Telling me that my anxiousness over stepparenting are invalid just makes my stomach churn more.
I read the above posted article. I appreciate that you passed it along. Unfortunately in my case, it adds to my anxiety, as well. I don't know how to be content with a backseat existence. I've never been much for a doormat and the article seems to want to encourage being a doormat or "disengage". The "disengage" argument I've been presented here also doesn't seem like the right fit for our family. I actually like being a part of my family; asking me to be a lesser part of it just makes things worse.
I want a hug, some thanks, a few kisses for Mother's Day. Since I can't expect any of these things, I guess I could always just find a place to hide for a while. It would be nice to have some childless stepmother/father friends around my area. Sunday would be a nice day to share a bottle of wine.