Is this the end?

Forums:

I originally posted this in the general discussion forum this morning, and am taking one of the responder's suggestion to post here as I am a bio free SM to SS11. I have two other posts from this past week on there that gives some backstory on the situation.

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Hi again, I'm back. I posted two other times over the past week talking about feeling regret marrying someone with a child. Thanks to those of you who've responded. Here's the latest that I need advice on:

I had a conversation with DH the other night where I opened up to him about my struggles and complicated emotions that came along with being a SM and having a blended family. I told him I often felt like I had nobody to confide in about my struggles, but that I finally needed to be open to him about my feelings. It's not like this is totally new to him, because one night about a year ago when we were hanging out with another couple, the husband (not my DH, but the husband of the other couple) asked how I felt about the my role as a stepmom. I burst into tears as I answered his question, telling them it was truthfully a pretty difficult situation for me. My DH just sat there quietly and listened. After we left our friends' house, he never brought up the issue again. Not a single follow up question or anything like, "I didn't know you were struggling so much." I just got crickets in return for opening up for the first time in front of him.

When I brought this up to him the other night, he said he never brought it up again because he assumed that me not bringing up meant that it was resolved.

When conversation #1 happened on Sunday night, he quietly listened while I talked. I told him that the SM/blended family thing was harder for me than I realized and that I didn't know if I was cut out for it. I don't remember much after that except for DH speaking in confusing, vague metaphors, and also because Conversation #2 is what's fresh on my mind.
Conversation #2 that happened last night took a different turn. When I got home in the evening, DH was taking down the Christmas tree. I immediately noticed all the ornaments laid out on the couch, except he clearly divided up my ornaments and his; mine were on one side of the couch and his were on the other. He also wasn't wearing his wedding band.

I told him that after a day of reflection, the next best step for me would be to go to individual counseling to talk through my struggles with an unbiased professional. He said if that's what I wanted then it would be best for me to do it while staying somewhere else because he didn't want to be under the same roof while I was "testing the waters to see if I want to be in this marriage."

I kept telling him that the focus for me was SM struggles and NOT specifically our marriage. But anytime I brought up the words SM/SS/blended family, he would again turn the focus onto the marriage. He kept asking me whether or not I was committed to the marriage, because if I wasn't, then it would be pointless to talk about the SM/SS/blended family issues. I felt like I was being bullied to make a decision that I am not prepared to make. For me, it's talking about the SM issues FIRST, but he doesn't see it that way. Maybe he feels hurt and is putting his guard and defenses up. I don't know.
The entire time, he kept a calm demeanor and voice, maybe to make it seem as though he wasn't being controlling and manipulative.

He said that should I decide that I'm not committed, then this can be a very amicable split. He said he'd help me move my stuff, etc.

Wanting to seek out counseling is my way of saying that I want to see if these feelings I'm having can be worked out so that our marriage can become better too in the long run. He sees it as prolonging the situation and wasting his time. He is essentially saying that I've been hesitant and testing the waters the entire 17 months thus far of marriage when, for me, any negativity in my demeanor came from pent up stress over my newfound SM role. It is in my nature to bottle things up until I just can't emotionally bear to any longer. Why am I being punished for opening up to DH? Is he offended that I'm not connecting to his son?

Now I'm REALLY not sure if this can work out.

‹ Kids getting joint gifts from BM and BD though they are not together?Can you ever love a step child like your own? ›

I copied and pasted my

I copied and pasted my initial post in reply to 2 other commenters, if you care to read.

In a nutshell:

He and his college gf got married because she found out she was pregnant. Their marriage only lasted about a year and a half because she apparently kept cheating on him.

2 years later, he met a girl he met in grad school because he claims she wanted to play house. She never warmed up to his son, who was 3 at the time, and apparently treated him like shit. He also said that she was borderline physically abusive (who really knows though? it's not like I can get her side of the story).

He probably acted the way he did because the SS is the main reason his last marriage ended.

He kept pressuring me for me

He kept pressuring me for me to tell him whether I was or was not committed to the marriage. I told him I had too many thoughts going through my head and that I needed space and quiet. I told him he couldn't bully me into making a decision I wasn't prepared to make right then and there. He finally respected it. We've been sleeping in separate rooms since Monday night. We've been avoiding each other.

At this point, I know that if I were to tell him that I'm committed to making it work, we'll go back to the way we were. If he stays true to his word, then he will be open to blended family counseling (or counseling in general). If I tell him that after a few days of reflection, I've come to the decision that it'd be best to split up, then this is when it'd be the most amicable.

I guess I'm just not sure if he actually meant everything he said, or said everything as a defense because he was hurt and angry. Was he being manipulative and trying to guilt me into a decision? I don't know. He did say he loved me at the end of the conversation the other night.

Does it sound to you like we both want it to be over?

Im not familiar with your

Im not familiar with your background so Im unsure what timelime there is here.

When did your now DH and the BM split? Were they married? If so, how long were they divorced before you started your relationship?

How long were you dating before moving in together? And how long have you been together in total? I get that youve been married for 17 months but what is your history prior to that?

The reason for me asking is I cant help but feel that part of your frustrations are coming from an expectation for the situation to become different after marriage.
Its a common naive thought but its one that becomes much more twisted, much fasted in a step-dynamic. Alot of people (men and women alike) feel that their opinion in terms of household, child rearing, rules etc will become equal once the "step" is married to the bio parent. But, if you are not an equal partner in these areas prior to your marriage, you will not become so after marriage.

Depending on what happened in the ruins of your husbands first marriage, might explain why hes acting this way now. For whatever reason he is not hearing "Im struggling with being a step mum, I would like your support" hes hearing "this fairytale marriage isnt happening how I thought, I dont love your kid, we are doomed". Only YOU know your husband well enough to know whether he is on the defensive because he is hurt because he is misunderstanding what you find an issue or because hes being passive aggressive.
Some may say him saying if you want to end things it can be an amicable split is manipulative, others may say if hes taken your meaning to be "I cant be a step mum, we are over" then hes trying to be as nice as possible. This is where its important for you to be super clear that you are committed to this marriage (if you are), you do not want to separate but you do want his help and support in making things easier all round in regards to SS. But you need to be honest with yourself, what exactly is it that you want to change.
You cant just complain about things for the sake of complaining, you need to offer him solutions to fix it. If theres an issue of feeling left out why not try to sort out regular date nights? If its feeling disrespected by SS talk about what you want from him.

However, if you are genuinely feeling like enough is enough and you just arent cut out to be a step mother and none of it is worth it, then be honest about it and allow things to end nicely. Because if thats honestly how you feel then theres nothing that man can do to help anyway.

Hi, I'll copy and paste my

Hi, I'll copy and paste my first post in the General Discussion thread here. It'll answer a lot of your questions. His reaction likely stems from his second divorce with ex #2:

My husband (33) and I (30) have been together since March 2013 and married since July 2014. We met online, and on this particular dating site, I specified that I didn't want to date a man with kids. I'm not sure why he still messaged me, and I'm not sure why I wavered on this. But anyway. We were long-distance (about 4 hours apart) from when we met until August 2013, when I moved to his city to try out dating in the same city. We got engaged in March 2014, so yes, we were engaged for only 4 months before tying the knot.

He has an 11 year old son from a previous marriage that was an "oops baby" while they were in college. They got married because they thought it was the right thing to do, but they divorced after a year because she had multiple affairs. Fast forward to about 3 years later, and he got married a second time. They got married after about a year of dating, and divorced after a year of marriage because my husband claims the second wife was a complete witch to his son. Then there's me, the third wife.

The point:
We're 17 months into marriage, and I still have no emotional attachment to my SS. His presence annoys me, and the every other week he's with us, I feel like I'm simply tolerating him because I have no other choice. He's not even a bad kid,though. He's a bit spoiled and self-centered because he's an only child at both households, but no real problems other than that. I'm just noticing more and more that his presence is a reminder that it's becoming clearer that I don't want a blended family. There, I said it. I want a husband who doesn't have kids so that we can start a truly new family together.
I find myself longing to be free to move back to the town I left, being single for awhile then eventually meeting a man that doesn't have children. This is all I've been able to think about for the past 2 weeks. Before that, I would only very occasionally have these thoughts.

Maybe I'm just experiencing the holiday blues, in part because I've been at my in-laws' house with my husband and SS, and whenever I'm with all of them, I realize I can never be the stepmom that seamlessly blends in, the one that showers her skid(s) with love and affection as though their her own. I just can't. I'm not good at faking things.

The issue I have is that I feel there's no legitimate reason here to ask for a divorce. My husband is a good man. My SS is fine overall. My in-laws are the sweetest people ever. I feel like I would just be causing pain to people out of my own selfish desires that I SHOULD have come to terms with before something as serious as marriage happened. But my fear is that if I'm already feeling this way, it will only get worse and harder for everyone involved as time goes on.

Yes, I know I rushed into it even if friends and family said I should date longer ESPECIALLY because he has a child and 2 prior marriages. It's a classic case of not listening to others, thinking logically about everything, and completely coming to terms with any negative emotions I felt. I fully admit to it. While we were dating, I was deeply troubled by not being able to be his "first" -- first marriage, able to give him his first child, etc. Over time, I felt better about it, and tried to convince myself that I had gotten over it. I feel like there are some things I shouldn't have ignored - like the one time when my husband and I were dating and SS's mom called the cops when SS lied about my husband hitting him. I was so put off, but I still stayed. If only I could rewind time.

Of course there are some more layers to everything, but I didn't want to write a ten chapter novel. If there's anything else you'd like to know, please ask.

I'm now living with the choices I made. I could have said no when I had the chance. Do I just have to live with my regret now?

I'm really sorry you going

I'm really sorry you going through this. It seems to me, and I'm no expert, that DH has some issues he needs to resolve. It seems as if he might be harboring some emotional baggage that he has not dealt with. However, the fact that he cannot take your feeling/struggles into consideration speaks volumes of his character. He should have enough respect for you and your marriage to at lest try and understand your feelings, whether or not he agrees with them.

I would love to be able to give you some wonderful advice, but all I can really say is go with your gut feeling. Do what you have to do to take care of you! Everything will workout in the end as it should, even if it difficult now and hurts, in the end it will workout as it should. But you have to make sure you are being honest with yourself 1st. Just as SecondGeneration as mentioned.But 1st you need to understand why it worries you. Is it because you don't know what exactly your roll as a SM is, or is it because you worried you will mess up or not be good at it? 1st figure that out. Then, maybe you can explain to him that this roll is new to you, and what it is that worries you.

Being step parent is hard. I think it is much harder than just being a parent, because you make a choice to care for that child, to love that child that is not your own. It's a struggle to step into the roll of a step parent. It is a different kind of struggle that only a step parent can understand. And it's okay, if being a step parent isn't for you or to feel overwhelmed.

You will get through this! Keep your head up and be honest with yourself!

I agree that my DH has

I agree that my DH has unresolved emotional issues that he needs to confront. I just don't see him ever resolving these things because he's the type of person who thinks counseling/therapy is a waste of time.

Yes, being a step parent is hard, but what makes this harder for me is that I'm beginning to think my DH is borderline emotionally abusive. He says things that subtly put me down. I feel unhappy but was never sure why. I think it's because my DH. I feel an oppressive dark cloud hovering over me the majority of times that he's around. Sigh.

Like others, not knowing all

Like others, not knowing all the specifics of your situation makes it a bit difficult to understand.

Based on the above, I would say that your DH considers himself and his kid a package deal; they are one unit, not separate entities. I don't think he is willing or capable of viewing it differently - many parents are that way. His son is his son forevermore. You, however, are dispensable. And that's essentially what he's telling you in many ways, vague and blatant.

I would find this very concerning if I were you. You are only 17 months into marriage, and have hit a bit of a rocky spot. That's normal. And most couples will try to do their best to work through rough patches. If it's money troubles, they figure out the finances. If it's in-law troubles, they try to reach a compromise. If it's not communicating well, they work on talking things out in a way that will open up understanding. But your DH doesn't seem willing to do that, because the issue has to do with HIS son - which seems to be a non-negotiable topic to him.

What if the tables were turned? Say DH is not good with budgeting but you are and you handle the finances. Let's say he confesses to you that he spent money needlessly a couple of times, would you tell him, "That's it ... you can't seem to handle a budget in this marriage, so we might as well call it quits." That's essentially what he's doing to you.

He's ready to throw in the towel on your marriage at the first sign of trouble. That's where my concerns lie. He wants to "quit" because you've expressed your fears, concerns, unhappiness, etc. with your role in this family as a SM. That's a coward's way out. And no matter what happens with this kid (for the rest of your time with DH) he will ALWAYS take the same attitude - so the question you need to ask is are you ready to possibly deal with that when SS is 32 and is hitting dad up for hand-outs or other support? Because that is a possibility, just as there is a possibility that you will become more confident and better with your role as a SM a few years from now. Given time, and perhaps some professional guidance, you may find yourself settling in to your role as a SM and wind up doing great.

But you won't even have that chance if DH is not willing to work towards that goal, and wants to give up the first time things get tough.

Here is the post that gives

Here is the post that gives backstory:

Of course there are some more layers to everything, but I didn't want to write a ten chapter novel. If there's anything else you'd like to know, please ask.

I'm now living with the choices I made. I could have said no when I had the chance. Do I just have to live with my regret now?

You shouldn't live with

You shouldn't live with regret. If this not for you, then it's just not for you, and that is fine! You must take care of you, figure out what is that you want and what is truly important to you. My situation is very similar with my husband. He married BM because she got pregnant and thought it was the right thing to do. They went on and had another child. He then had a vasectomy, and they devoiced shortly after my SS was born.

I on the other hand, have no children, and would more than anything love to have a little girl. His 1st child was a girl, and I cannot stand her! She the child that would make you never want to have another. She is just horrible all around like her BM, is HIS little girl. It drives me crazy! She can get away with anything, because of it. In fact, she is so bad we cannot even speak of her without it turning into a hug argument. I struggle everyday with the fact that he already has his little girl. There are days it is so hard I just want to call it quits, and just move on and find someone who doesn't have all of baggage but then I remember... that this will be his 1st child with someone whom he loves and cares for. Someone whom he wants to have a child with, not just some mistake from a drunken night where he spent his entire relationship intoxicated to deal with her just because he had to.

Just a little background about our relationship... He and I were engaged after 8 months of dating and were married 14 months after that. We have now been together 3 years, and let me tell you it has been the hardest 3 years of my life!!

I have always swore that if for any reason him and do not make it I will NEVER date another man with a child. It is a whole different ballpark when you a child in the mix.

Anyways, the point is you need to figure out what YOU really want. If being with your husband is what you really want, then you will work through it. It wont be easy, but it will be worth it to YOU. If starting fresh is what you want, then do it! Just don't regret your choices!!

You will get through this! I promise!

Keep your head up!!

I'm a couple weeks late to

I'm a couple weeks late to the conversation but I can relate to how the OP feels. My situation was very similar to yours in the beginning and my opinion varies from day to day on the subject but if I could go back in time to the point where the OP is at, I would RUN as fast as I could...Then run some more!

I love my DW and the life we created together but I often regret not walking away when I had the chance. This blended family stuff is way harder than I could have ever imagined and it seems to get harder as time goes on. I've learned that love isn't enough to raise someone else's kid and if the bio is a douche who enjoys getting in your business, your level of stress just amplified by 10. The juice isn't worth the squeeze!

ExArmyDad, I just sent you a

ExArmyDad, I just sent you a direct message.

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