Some advice that Dear Prudence gave that I think can be applied to adult SKs who find that younger half-sibs have a better Dad
than they did.
And I know that Dad is probably a better dad to the younger half-siblings because he is older and knows more. I get that part.
And I get that it is normal and human of them to feel jealousy and resentment about that.
But I think Prudie had many good points about addressing those feelings in healthy ways, not letting those feelings control you, not letting said feelings dictate how you behave towards others (including those you feel them towards) and realizing that he is still your father, so you have a chance to improve things with him, get healing, and let more good people into your life. I totally think a lot of the advice she gave could totally be applied to so many of your adult SKs who feel resentment and jealousy that their younger half-siblings get a better, more involved dad than they did.
So many of these SKs seem focused on being victims forever. Being a victim forever will not give them any chance to get healing.
Here's the link where I read about this: http://www.steptalk.org/node/114800
My dad was a much better
My dad was a much better parent to my sister who is much, much younger than I am. (same mother) So what. I was happy for her - never jealous.
I agree, whole-heartedly. It
I agree, whole-heartedly. It is ok to have feelings, a cocktail of feelings, but what do you do with them? How do you act? My skids seem to think that if they have !!!feelings!!!, nothing else matters. They act on them viciously, maliciously - and the BM is always there to add fuel to the fire.
Her own hatred is just looking for outlets, reasoning is forgotten.
How do you teach kids - or adults - to separate feelings from actions?
"All in all, I think kids
"All in all, I think kids hopefully will grow into adulthood and stop seeing their parents as daddies and mommies, and use a little wisdom."I hope so, but when? I can hardly wait... when will that happen??? Your OSD is 30 already - where is her wisdom?? I had a child at 30, no way was i thinking of myself as s child whom the parents "owed" anything to.
I keep telling DH that he needs to reset his relationship with the older two skids, who are in their 20s, to a relationship of equals. Two adults, who bear 50/50 responsibility for the relationship sinking or swimming. But the constant litany of complaints and hateful outbursts just never stops. The OSD who seems to want to at least live very far away from the BM ( like on the other side of the globe for a year) cannot seem to put any psychological distance between them, and has begun the same emotional abuse of the DH this year that BM has spent 20 years modeling for the kids. I am feeling quite depressed about the whole thing today.
The only consolation is to think ahead to 20 years from now when my SDs are SMs - hopefully, to a bunch of hateful brats, and getting their just desserts!
My husband was not the best
My husband was not the best father to his first set of kids either. He was 21 and the ex was 19. She got pregnant, they got married, end of story. She never worked, was a stay home mom. He worked two jobs to support his kids. He drank, he was never around, in a nutshell not daddy of the year. But he did the best he could.
The ex cheated on him and got pregnant with the third kid. To this day nobody knows for sure if the youngest SS is even his biological son. Years later, when i asked him if he ever wanted to find out he replied with "No, that is my son." To me, that is something not many men even nowadays would have done. To make a long story short, the youngest son is 5'11, blue eyes, blonde hair. My husband is 5'5, italian, dark hair, dark eyes. People always commented on how much they did not even look alike... so go figure. My husband raised him, as his own, without question.
Either way, his oldest kids (especially the middle son) still treat him like he owes them something for doing a crappy job. The middle son has said numerous times how he feels like he "never had a dad" which is funny because he never calls or visits unless he needs money.
The bio mom has a pill problem, ended up with a drug addict, welfare, never worked etc. etc. On top of that she is a miserable self involved pin head, but.... she seemed to get a free pass on everything, including her crappy parenting style.
I am not sure why this is the case? Maybe because my husband met me and we moved to another state and started another family? They did come with us and one by one, made the choice to move back with mom. Easier to be with someone who lets you do whatever you want, no rules. Maybe they expected us to follow them back east? At that point we had a life, friends, happiness. But for some reason they still resent that he was not physically there. That never stopped him from visiting, buying them plane tickets, helping them out financially, buying things for them and doing things for them. Still he is always somehow the "bad guy". They could have come back and lived with us too, none of them wanted that. The youngest moved back when he was 18. They all dropped out of high school and spent several years partying and doing nothing with their lives. Who's fault is that, now they are all in their 30's, no job, no education, loserville...
I guess the bottom line is at one point in your life you make choices about your own happiness. These Skids make the choice to be miserable victims. If you ask yourself "Who had the best childhood?" Most people would probably say, not me. I know i did not and most of my friends did not either but nobody except my step kids seem to wallow in it. They still act like they are 12 (even though they are all in their 30's). Helpless children, needy victims.
My husband is a wonderful father to our son, who is 8. That might be a thorn in their side too. Maybe they look at that as he got everything and they got nothing? I don't know. My son is not spoiled, he does not wear designer clothes (like the skids do). My son knows he has half siblings but each year the calls, visits, gifts for birthdays and christmas get less and less. This year nothing, no call, no gift. Must have been difficult to put a 10 dollar gift card and send it while you were buying your own kid an IPhone?
Either way, one day he will realize that they are who they are too. Actions speak louder than words and one day he might not really care if they come around or not either. Their loss...
I embraced the idea of
I embraced the idea of becoming a blended family. I knew that I had a tough road ahead based on the ex and SDs behavior from way before I entered. Yet still I reached out, and got my hand bit off. Lots of factors contributed, the número UNO was the ex. She is a POS, or more clinical, a narcissist with sociopathic genes. The oldest daughter is a chip off her mother and she mercifully only show up now and then to collect money from dh and his family of enablers.
However, the youngest daughter now at college will be a big issue this summer. She was absolutely in love with her father and all his spare time was centered around her. Friends? Who needed them when she had daddy.
I think it is critical for both parents to accept their will angst over parents dating, remarriage, etc. but just like other issues, they need to set limits and not tolerate disrespect. My dh ex encouraged it and made her daughters party to cruel and sadistic behavior toward me and my marriage. Sometimes you brutalize people so much there is no going back. I am at that place of absolute dislike, hatred, call it whatever. I am done. Maybe if his daughter had reached out months ago when she first started talking to her father, I could have found a way, but not now. Never.
There is a saying we reap what we sew. It certainly applies to them.
And they were the fools. They have to realize that just in terms of inheritance, etc, they did themselves in. However, likely we have not seen the last of them!