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So now I'm invited...

CandyLou's picture

Submitted by CandyLou on Sat, 12/22/2012 - 2:47am

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Adult Stepchildren

So last night SD phones DH and says DH and I are invited to her place on Boxing Day. DH initially invited them here and they said no, they weren't playing happy families, and felt awkward being here and they just wanted dad. DH for the first time in 6 years said he wouldn't be going there without me. So she finally phoned and said "SS and me talked and she can come" why thank you! I'm thinking the conversation went like this
SD: do you want your presents for Christmas?
SS: yeah, do you?
SD: yeah. Well then we have to invite CL
SS: damn. Well if its the only way to get gifts...

LOL!

So of course DH is all happy thinking this is resolved.

Question: I think I will go as DH did genuinely try to stand up to the situation. But...how do you deal with the humiliation of knowing you aren't wanted somewhere? It's a horrible feeling. Do I put on a fake smile? Maybe accidentally break a few dishes, lol. Come in the house with dog poo on my shoe...lol

CandyLou's picture

Submitted by CandyLou on Sat, 12/22/2012 - 5:17am

Oooooh SA good point! You are absolutely right, I'm not there yet where I can freely choose whether to go or not. In your current situation, is it a given that are now invited to events or is it a situation where you never know from one day to the next whether you are invited? And I know being invited and being welcome are two different things.

Also SA I was wondering whether your SK's have any kids of their own as I am absolutely dreading what will happen in my situation when GK's come along, that is, if I stay...

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Sat, 12/22/2012 - 8:34am

I'm just curious - were you all treated this way before you were married?
How can you look at your DHs the same way when he allows you to be so disrespected - especially the ones with "adult" children?

jennaspace's picture

Submitted by jennaspace on Sat, 12/22/2012 - 7:58pm

an English friend of mine said it was the day after Christmas when people would send leftovers home with the servants in boxes.

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Sat, 12/22/2012 - 9:30am

I guess you've made your point. Me I wouldn't care to go anywhere I'm not wanted.

If I were you at this point in time I would tell my husband that I had made a mistake by insisting that he include me in his plans to see his children and he is free to see them without me any time he wishes.

jennaspace's picture

Submitted by jennaspace on Sat, 12/22/2012 - 7:59pm

I wouldn't go. Why go where you're not wanted? Too much potential to take up the season with unneeded drama.

CandyLou's picture

Submitted by CandyLou on Sat, 12/22/2012 - 8:20pm

Thanks for your comments guys. It's been a tough situation but I think I will go. For a few reasons. a) DH made an effort by letting them know he wouldn't be going there without me. b) BM is behind this and has been part of the controlling factor for years so I think going also lets her know her attempts at controlling aren't working. She says to her kids that her partner isn't coming for Christmas and they in turn tell DH "well mom's partner isn't going so why should CL going? This changes things up. c) If I had asked someone to not come somewhere and then they ended up coming, I would feel bad when they arrived so let them sit with those feelings d) in the past visits have actually not been horrendous. His kids are covert in what they do, so no snide remarks etc. They don't make an effort to get to know me, but DH can laugh together

And as someone pointed out, if I now don't go it gives them ammunition "see Daddy, we tried" and I don't want to give them the satisfaction.