20years, I feel for you.
So DH says 'she's right, it would be uncomfortable' - but who's fault is that!!!!
He should tell her in NO UNCERTAIN terms that he does not go on vacation without his WIFE.
Full stop.

I would tell him that it should also be uncomfortable for her to invite only her dad but she does it with ease. What does that say about her?

So, the only reason he won't go is because you will be upset? He should be telling her he won't go because she's a disrespectful, rude ass bitch.

My wife and I regularly take separate vacations and I encourage (and willingly pay) for her to visit her kids without me and I offer to pay for them to visit her and when they do I stay out of it as much as possible.

Yes a invitation like that is irritating and yes if he doesn't go he should tell her it's his irritation at her causing his refusal. But Hells Bells woman you DON'T want to go. This is the perfect opportunity for you to go somewhere you want to go with or without your kid who can stay a grandmas or whatever.

Remember what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. }:)

20 years this is 20 years too long now. It's time you stopped caring what she thinks. Tell your husband they are not staying in your home, well, she's not anyway. And tell him no way in hell is he going under the circumstances. His going on that holiday only encourages her to keep,pulling this shit. If she blames you because you wouldn't let her daddy go, so what who cares. It's high time you stopped worrying about what she thinks of you. The truth is, if he doesn't go, she will think your a bitch. If he does go, she will think your a weak fool. Your not going to win either way so don't try. The more you allow her away with this shit. The more she will keep it up. It builds het ego.

"Now he said he won't go if it upsets me." What he is really doing is using you by threatening to blame you. Then, of course, you are supposed to back off because you don't want the blame. It would upset anyone in the same situation. But do you care if you get the blame? If DH tells SD he won't go because it upsets you, it will be telling SD that your feelings matter more than hers. Let him do it! Call his bluff then see if he still wants to go.

I want to kick your DH in his non existing balls. How dare he allow his daughter to treat his wife like a non-entity? He'd be sleeping in the guest house as far as I was concerned!

Your DH should not go because it should upset HIM that his daughter behaves that way! I second simifan's idea

He needs to grow a pair and lay down the law: we are a family, and spend our vacations together. SD owes HIM and you an apology and until one is forth-coming she is NOT welcome on your property. I would not stoop to her tactics but state clearly what you find unacceptable and stop communicating until she is ready to make amends. He needs to see this in terms of respect that she is not showing HIM and you, and he has enabled her to be this disrespectful.

I keep having the same conversation with my DH. Arghh.....

BITCH is the only single word that can desctibe your SD. Adding more words .... she is manipulative, without honor, without character and basically is a waste of skin.

Your DH needs to give her a very direct message that his wife and his son (her brother) will not be excluded in any part of hs family relationships and SD needs to pull her head out of her toxic ass or she will lose not only you and her brother but her father as well.

A fortuitous accident needs to put this toxic POS woman out of everyone elses misery. SOON!!!

IMHO of course.

"You know what DH...you and SD are wrong about me being uncompfortable on vacation. But since that is the way you two seem to think...there is no need for her to ever come to my house either.

And PS DH ... I just want you to know that I would have NEVER done to you what you just did to me. I HAD more respect for you and our marriage and life together. I see that you don't/won't/can't, have the same respect and love that I HAD so I will try to become more like you and treat our marriage as an after thought."

Your DH is strange

To me there are two things here: 1) your SD excluded you from an invite to vacation and 2) your DH is okay with excluding you.

I struggle with my feelings about number 1 in my own situation. Truth is, would you go if you were invited? I get that the invitation should've been extended, but would you have gone if It had? Yes, it's extremely rude and wrong and vindictive and all kinds of other things for her to exclude you, but would you want to go anyway? My SD "includes" me in some invitations only so she gets credit for looking like the bigger person for inviting me because I invite her to nothing...I'm disengaged...and because if I do go, she gets to ignore me and treat me like shit. Clearly a win/win for her. I've gotten to the point that I don't care if I'm excluded anymore...most of the time (I am human so sometimes it upsets me)...because my reward is I don't have to spend time around her!!

Now, your DH agreeing with this is a whole other thing. Personally, this wouldn't work for me. I have a feeling I'm going to be in a very similar situation in the near future with how things are shaping up in DH's family. It's not going to be pretty. No, I wouldn't go if I was invited, but I also don't think he should go without me. Ugh! It's such a complicated situation. I hate dealing with hateful, evil people. I also hate to hear that after 20 years of dealing with this shit, it doesn't get any better!

Here's the thing, if I had such an awful relationship with my dad's wife but I loved and respected my dad, I would NEVER even put him in this position by asking him and only him to go on vacation with me.

My dad would be very disappointed in that kind of behavior and he would tell me so.

My husband would've acted exactly the same way as yours 20years. If his daughter had asked that question, he would've known It wasn't right. He would've known I'd be furious. But he would not have on the spot said no to his daughter. He would've said something along the lines if, when are you going, I'm
Not sure, I'll let you know PERFECT set up.
You see, he really would not want to go
Without me anyway, but no way in hell would he upset the princess and make her mad at him. Make her stop talking to him. So he would give her the old. I'll see spiel. Then he'd tell me about the invite. Knowing I'd be furious. We'd get into an argument, he'd crap on about not being allowed to go on holiday with his baby etc., then he'd wait for her to ring again and he say, 'I can't" shed carry on asking why and his response would be to just keep saying 'I can't'. He wouldn't say I can't get time off work or I can't because I'm having a brain transplant that week, heaven forbid it be his fault he couldn't go. No
Way, just keep saying I can't. Offer no explanation as to
Why he can't therefore making sure he created
The distinct impression in his daughters mind that I wouldn't let him.
Hell, even if he had never even mentioned it to me he would still have handled it the same way. I know that because
I found out he has been doing that for years with other issues over the years.
All he did by doing this was set up the same situation here as you are now facing. His daughter hates my guts, I don't think k
The sun shines out of her either and hell will freeze over before i would have her in my life again.

It's not her fault. It's not my fault. It's 100% DHs fault.

Seperate vacations can be a wonderful experience but the manner in which this would happen here is far too raw for it to ever work.

I 100% agree that under the circumstances any invitation for SD and her offspring to stay in your home with you should be rescinded. This is a perfect example of hipocracy. Too uncomfortable to go on the Carribean holiday but not too uncomfortable to come and squat in your vacation property...no thanks!!

DH needs to back you up on this and it sounds like he is also being very manipulative. Maybe he does want to spend some time with his daughter and her family. That time should be decided by you and DH and not dictated by SD (with the exception of availability).

I love sending SS or SD off with their Dad for some one-on-one time and I also like having one-on-one time with both of my kids alone. You can develop deep personal bonds that way and you really listen to that person when there are no other distractions present.

But this is not what this was meant to do, it was meant to exclude you and your child and to hurt. It's a BIG NO as far as I am concerned.

I adored my dh. I cannt tell you how much I loved him. It took hm 8 years to destroy that love. Now, as much as I love him and don't wish him any harm, I'm am not IN live with him now. Funny enough, he s desperately trying to play nice and get the old me back. I cannot trust that if I were to fall unconditionally back in love with him, that he wouldn't start playing his games all over again,,as he would believe he had hs power back. He's actually really good now. But I know it is just hs narcissistic charm trying to reel me back in and put himself back in control. Not now, not ever will I let that happen to me again.

Maybe it is this damn cold weather but if my DH even HINTED of going on an incestrous Carribean trip with one of his daughters, let alone anyone else without me, I would probably have to punch him in the throat! }:)

Seriously, my new and improved DH would have on the spot asked her,"are you out of your freakin' mind?"

I used to give my son's permission to make me the "fall guy "when they were little and someone asked them to go somewhere or do something a little shady such as a party with drinking. But these grown ass adult husbands need to act on their own. Never make us the fall guy!

My DH's daughters know better than to pull this because they know DH would not tolerate an invitation to him only...his eldest daughter did try pulling things like this when in her teens and DH went along with it at first but then he said no way, I'm his wife and part of the family whether she likes me or not

Your SD is causing a lot of grief by this and I certainly hope you and your DH put your foot down and say "too bad" Deal with it!