He did move out! Although he still has been using our cars from time to time w/o paying for gas. My wife and I got into a fight over this again last week. Pretty nasty. I, again, was the one who got hurt. I told her I was sick of him freeloading off of us, etc, etc, etc... I Just got so angry. I did apologize to her for going berzerk, but I still feel uneasy. Things still don't feel back to normal. (Normal? what's that?) I don't feel she's close to me. After that fight we had, I made a pact with myself. For the sake of peace in my marriage, I will no longer allow SS to affect my emotions in this way. I will just keep my mouth shut and let my wife handle him. I figure in time she'll grow tired of his shit and she'll drop the bomb on him. The fact that I don't feel my wife is close to me right now is making me feel sad, hurt, and worthless. I will do anything to make this work. Right now, I just need compassion, affection and love.
Well I commend you on deciding to not let him consume you.. Now once you figure out how please let me know..
I know one thing you can do.. We all have our own cars, right.. Like my husband has his truck and I have mine. Well you could tell her or not tell her just when he comes and says can I borrow your car, tell him to borrow his mom's.. I will not let my SS or SD drive my car.. ITs mine and I pay for it.. Just like when my kids start to drive they will drive mine not my husbands..
But again please let me know the secret.. For today my SS has got me in a whirl wind because he is a lazy butt...
Thanks..
I hope things calm down soon for you. I agree with the previous poster - you don't have to lend your car to anyone you don't want to - for whatever reason. If your wife is always the car lender she will see how inconvenient that is and get sick of having to refill her car all the time. When he asks to borrow your car (assuming he asks), just make a lame excuse like you are planning to go somewhere soon. Avoid confrontation with either of them. Let the burden of his mooching be totally on her. Make sure he doesn't have a key to your car so he can't take it without asking. If he already has a key, get it back by asking next time he is there - something like you can't find your keys, can you use his - then don't give it back.
As for things getting better with wife and getting back to a close relationship, try to do things with wife. Focus on her and do nice things for her. Resist getting into a conversation about SS. If she brings him up, try to say something nice, like, "It's great that he is being independent - he should be proud of himself." Eventually she will see that independence is good for him, but that may take a while. The conflicts you had while he was in your house are normal for an adult child that is wanting to be independent - but has never been encouraged or made to be independent. They resist your "rules" and "expectations" because they want to be their own boss - in charge of their own destiny - but they cannot because they are living in your house and they are not the boss. When they are living in their own place, they will feel like they are in charge of something and will be less inclined to engage or cause conflict with you.
Answer for Nellie, from Jason
He did move out! Although he still has been using our cars from time to time w/o paying for gas. My wife and I got into a fight over this again last week. Pretty nasty. I, again, was the one who got hurt. I told her I was sick of him freeloading off of us, etc, etc, etc... I Just got so angry. I did apologize to her for going berzerk, but I still feel uneasy. Things still don't feel back to normal. (Normal? what's that?) I don't feel she's close to me. After that fight we had, I made a pact with myself. For the sake of peace in my marriage, I will no longer allow SS to affect my emotions in this way. I will just keep my mouth shut and let my wife handle him. I figure in time she'll grow tired of his shit and she'll drop the bomb on him. The fact that I don't feel my wife is close to me right now is making me feel sad, hurt, and worthless. I will do anything to make this work. Right now, I just need compassion, affection and love.
Jason..
Well I commend you on deciding to not let him consume you.. Now once you figure out how please let me know..
I know one thing you can do.. We all have our own cars, right.. Like my husband has his truck and I have mine. Well you could tell her or not tell her just when he comes and says can I borrow your car, tell him to borrow his mom's.. I will not let my SS or SD drive my car.. ITs mine and I pay for it.. Just like when my kids start to drive they will drive mine not my husbands..
But again please let me know the secret.. For today my SS has got me in a whirl wind because he is a lazy butt...
Thanks..
Hope things calm down
Hi Jason,
I hope things calm down soon for you. I agree with the previous poster - you don't have to lend your car to anyone you don't want to - for whatever reason. If your wife is always the car lender she will see how inconvenient that is and get sick of having to refill her car all the time. When he asks to borrow your car (assuming he asks), just make a lame excuse like you are planning to go somewhere soon. Avoid confrontation with either of them. Let the burden of his mooching be totally on her. Make sure he doesn't have a key to your car so he can't take it without asking. If he already has a key, get it back by asking next time he is there - something like you can't find your keys, can you use his - then don't give it back.
As for things getting better with wife and getting back to a close relationship, try to do things with wife. Focus on her and do nice things for her. Resist getting into a conversation about SS. If she brings him up, try to say something nice, like, "It's great that he is being independent - he should be proud of himself." Eventually she will see that independence is good for him, but that may take a while. The conflicts you had while he was in your house are normal for an adult child that is wanting to be independent - but has never been encouraged or made to be independent. They resist your "rules" and "expectations" because they want to be their own boss - in charge of their own destiny - but they cannot because they are living in your house and they are not the boss. When they are living in their own place, they will feel like they are in charge of something and will be less inclined to engage or cause conflict with you.
Hope this helps.
Good luck,
Nellie