It's just not easy
I know that I have posted on here a couple of times and the advice has been to detatch myself from the situation, which is good advice but it's just so damn hard.
It is driving a wedge between my H and myself and I am resenting my H for always being with him because they can go out drinking together (nearly every night) and thinks that I am too stupid to know.
They are drinking at a bar/restaurant practically at the end of our road where we normally go with our children for dinner yet the past few times I've said that I'm taking the children out for dinner I have been told not to go there.
Right now if I was financially in a situation to, I would walk away from this marriage without a backward glance.
It's bad enough being stuck in every night whilst your H is out but knowing that me and the children are being pushed out just makes me hate them all.
If you have checked out of
If you have checked out of this marriage, then start getting your ducks in a row to leave. Save back some money, look for places to move, talk to an attorney, etc. Keep a calendar of all the nights he is gone and how long he is gone for. Take time-stamped pictures of his car at the pub if you need to. Just set the precedent that he isn't around as that may be necessary for custody (in case you think he's going to try and take sole/full custody just out of spite). If you need to get a better job, look for one. If you need a roommate, start that search.
Just keep yourself safe and keep your kids calm. It may take some time, but if you get everything in order, then it will give you motivation to keep going.
Thankfully he is not spiteful
Thankfully he is not spiteful and wouldn't do anything to make life more difficult for our children. He is just weak when it comes to his older kids and it's always me that has to put up and shut up. All I ever hear is "but he is my son" and I need to sometimes hear "but she is my wife" ...I'm aware that it may sound selfish of me but there is a big backstory to how the skids have treated me.
Financially I am not in a situation to leave and uproot our children. I am a stay at home mum and even if I work part time I will not earn enough to support ourselves. I just need to bide our time until I can go back to work full time and then make it work without him. Its amazing how someone can walk back in his life after not so much as a whisper for over 6years and it is enough to wipe out 15years of us
“But she is me wife”- this is
“But she is me wife”- this is exactly what I want to hear too. I can’t offer you words of advice because I feel that we are in a similar situation & disengagement has not helped, in fact it has made my life more difficult in recent times.
I can offer you a virtual hug though and positive thoughts for your situation. Good luck
Thanks, it's sad to know that
Thanks, it's sad to know that someone else is having to go through the same situation but it's also nice to know there are others out there who understand. Sending you a hug back x
Is he really spending every
Is he really spending every night out drinking with SS? And this is a complete shift since SS moved in with you -- was he at home every night before SS came back on the scene?
Also, who told you not to eat at that restaurant? What was the reason that person gave to you? What did you reply to whoever said that?
Is your SS still living with you?
No our SS is not still living
No our SS is not still living with us. He caused a complete trail if distruction amongst our house, his BM's house and even SD's life.
OH was not at home every night before SS came back, but he was most nights. We both had a life together and then had one or two nights where we saw individual friends, eg he was part of a local team on one night and I would have an evening catching up with girlfriends.
OH was the one who told me not to come to the restaurant as SS was there and he didn't want to chance confrontation in front of our children. I knew that SS was there as I saw his car as I passed by. At the time I didn't say much as I didn't want the children to hear an argument but later in I told OH that I will not be driven out of place that we go as a family and it SS's problem so he needs to put up with it and stay far away from me and the children.
He told you not to go to a
He told you not to go to a restaurant that your family usually frequents? Really? WTF is wrong with this dipshit?
Go to the restaurant. Let daddy explain to the younger kids why he is drinking with big bro rather than engaging to have dinner with the rest of the family.
In fact, I would have the restaurant call you each time he shows up so that you can take your kids and go there for dinner.
smh
Haha I can see when his car
Haha I can see when his car is parked there so I can always just turn up when he is there but I might need another mortgage to pay for eating out so often.
After me having a huge argument with OH last night, it turns out that OH has been going out to meet SS as he is concerned that he will turn up and knock on our door at stupid times during the night. This makes sense because just before all of this started SS did turn up at our house knocking on the door at midnight. He thinks that as long as he is out with him then he is not knocking on our door. In my opinion that is stupid and not solving a problem just swapping it for a bigger one
This doesn't pass the Smell
This doesn't pass the Smell Test of reasonableness IMHO.
I would be very wary of this bullshit excuse.
It is a complete rubbish
It is a complete rubbish excuse and is not a good enough reason for me, which I have told him. If/when his SS comes knocking on the door late at night, he'll soon get the message when the door is not answered or he is told to go away. My OH is just too scared to do that incase precious SS turns his back on him and dissapears again for another 6 years. SS is very manipulative
If he disappears again.. then
If he disappears again.. then good riddance.
Stand your ground.
He doesn’t want you in that
He doesn’t want you in that restaurant- bet there’s a woman there he doesn’t want you to know about.
That’s what I was thinking
That’s what I was thinking when I read that.
It's definitely not another
It's definitely not another woman - although maybe that would make life easier because she could take all the crap and I'd walk off into the sunset. My friend works at the restaurant and I can see when SS car is in there. So I'm certain that DH doesn't have another woman, just a weakness when it comes to growing some balls and telling SS to get a life of his own.
Ugh! So many times I have
Ugh! So many times I have wished DH said, “but she is my wife” whenever he has to talk to BM about something will affect both our families. Nope. It always has to be what is best for ss. Not what is best for all our children including bm’s other kid. No, what is best for ss. Sometimes I think if I left DH then he would finally put our other four kids first. Probably not tho.
It's a tough deal. Maybe they
It's a tough deal. Maybe they should realise that somewhere out there could be a decent man without all the excess stress who would give his right arm to say "but she is my wife" when referring to us.
He was right..
H had a day off yesterday meaning that he was at home all day and night, sure enough SS comes knocking in the door just before midnight.
He has absolutely no care for the stress that he is causing to people, even his own Dad.
H sent him away but I can tell that it was cutting him up inside.
Next time he comes knocking
Next time he comes knocking at your door, call the police and tell them there's a belligerent drunk causing a disturbance at your front door. And tell your DuH that you've decided that SS is not getting to call the shots any more and that he's going to have to face the life he's made for himself.
Completely agree, that's
Completely agree, that's pretty much the discussion that I had with H today. I have very little faith that SS will ever grow up enough to face up to anything
To me, it sounds like passive
To me, it sounds like passive agressive, mixed with him checking out, supporting a drinking habit, alienating you bc of SS. I think I would check out some night when they’re down there. Frankly, I think you’ve checked out bc of alienation and I think you’d fare out on your own. I’ve done it many times. I look bk and feel like when I did stand alone it was like a fresh breath of air for me, I felt free, enlightened and when I say free , free of stress!!!
dh isn’t in college still idk why he’s sitting at a bar with SS instead of showing a better man example
i don’t believe any man has ever told me where to eat, pee or go ever
Yes it is passive aggressive,
Yes it is passive aggressive, it's kind of like he's throwing his toys out because I won't back down and entertain the skids drama so that he can have an easy life. He Theis drinking more with the stress but not all the time. However the alienation is very hurtful, it's like I've been betrayed by my best friend, and at the moment the only way I know to protect my heartache is to act like I don't care that much.
I go through waves of angry and want to argue my point to them and then feeling drained/can't be bothered to care what they're up to, let him get on with it. I definitely know he's not with another woman but that doesn't really make it any better.
H is back to staying at home more often now, probably because he noticed my detachment or maybe because SS behaviour is starting to wear him down. Especially when he turns up at our house ridiculously late at night. I know the routine well enough to know that it will all go belly up between the two of them if SS doesn't get his own way or finds someone else to leach off.
H just better hope that it's not too far down the line that I have completely got used to a life emotionally detatched from him.