I Need An Intervention!
Forums:
Ok, I need your help. The next time I post here, COMPLAINING about my skids, I give you permission to tell me to "IGNORE THE PSHCHOS" or to "GO HAVE FUN DESPITE THEM" or "STOP ALLOWING THEM TO SUCK YOU IN TO THEIR MADNESS", etc....
It seems I keep having these moments of weakness, and I need a good reality check. I thought I was doing good in disengaging, but I seem prone to relapses. 
I hope I can count on your help! 
The best advice I can offer
The best advice I can offer you is to know which buttons are the ones that fire you up...kids will go for the jugular! Each time you respond to them in a predictable way they win! It's a pissing contest they want, do not give it to them! To kids negative attention is still attention and they will behave badly to get attention!
The old 'I'm sorry, I did not hear that' thing is great, it's also inflammatory too but if they repeat the vile comment then calmly say 'I thought that's what you said.' and walk away. Walking away states that you are not responding as they want you to, sit down in a chair and pick up a book to make the same statement. I go on the computer and play card games, mindless ones, just to be 'doing' something else.
When I was in therapy a
When I was in therapy a couple of years ago, the SKDS and BM were a regular topic. The most helpful thing the therapist said to me about it was "It is not YOUR drama". This enabled me to avoid getting sucked in quite so much as I used to, and to remain disengaged. It's hard when it affects your life so much.
I have very little conversation ever, with my SKIDS, and only short exchanges with one of them. They are civil to me, which I don't think they would be if I were not disengaged. They have no way in to attack me because of this, and because I have avoided ALL contact, even the most trivial, with the BM, the same applies to her.
Try to cultivate distance and silence with them - it certainly works for me.
I hear you all. Good
I hear you all.
Good advice.
I don't have to see them at all anymore, but now if I can just get them out of my head.
You know how you have an argument with someone, and then later you think - "Crap, I missed an opporunity to really zap them." or "I should have said this...."
It just amazes me how self-absorbed they are.
I told my DH that I have two relatives who began their marriages this same way, with a lot of drama. The new spouse "came to the rescue" and told off the new inlaws (or encouraged my relative to "tell them off"). You could tell my relatives loved that their spouses were "standing up for them" and letting their parents "really have it" - or encouraging them to "give it" to their parents.
Well, as time went on, those same spouses then TURNED ON THEM! One relative divorced their spouse, and the other unfortunately took verbal and emotional abuse for years. Their kids are really upset that they didn't split when they were young. This would have kept them away from having to endure years of crap going on in the home.
My SS told us his fiances family are a bunch of "yellers", and when he visits them at her home he is incomfortable with all the "yelling" that goes on! Does he really think his wife-to-be won't continue this example she grew up with? She will miraculously "change" overnight - without having to really work at it? :O She may have been toning it down while they are living together, but after they are married - we say "Watch out!"
Time will tell how my skids marriages turn out.
Now, I'm off to "...wash those kids right out of my mind"!
(For those who are too young to remember, that [modified] verse is from South Pacific.
Thanks Maux, you are very
Thanks Maux, you are very correct! It does take time, but it can be done, and the sooner I begin, the sooner I will accomplish the goal.
Four steps forward - two steps back - five steps forward, etc....
It is very obvious they can GIVE IT, but they certainly can't TAKE IT - all the while claiming "But we are totally MATURE."
Thanks for the encouragement!