Husband feels guilty for "not raising his kids"
Hi, so I have 2 25 and 23. He has 2 21 and 17. For the past 6 months or so my husband is suddenly feeling guilty that he "didn't raise his kids" BUT he did. and I did and their Mom and Stepdad did….just at various times and places. He was and is an AWESOME Dad. Always paid his child support and then some. We had them every other weekend. Every Wednesday. All summer and for all vacations. Plus several times for ice cream, dinner, etc…
We just saw 3 of the 4 2 weeks ago. For the 21yo birthday. They were here the whole weekend, we had a blast! Did all sorts of stuff. Last night we are lying in bed and he says Babe, I'm depressed, I'm missing the kids. DEPRESSED! That's a big word to throw around. Am I being nasty? I have tried but really just can't wrap my head around this. My oldest lives 12 hours away. We see her once a year if were lucky. It is what it is! I feel like I've done my job (with all 4) They are adults living their lives now, happily. I think about them and talk to them but I got get stressed or depressed about them. This same thing also came up about 3 months ago as well and both times he said he feels guilty because he wasn't there. The youngest is about to go to college, the 21 yo loves and is doing hair. They are good, why is he not? I could understand the "failure" feeling if one was on crack and one was in jail.
I don't know how to help. I don't feel the same way. And it's affecting us. He has tried to cancel our plans so we could go see them instead. He tries to throw money at them all the time. (thinks it will make up for something, I guess) I told him since we clearly don't feel the same way that maybe he should talk to someone. Guilt can do some damage. His never really commented. He just said, I'm just letting you know how I feel...
I don't get why it's a
I don't get why it's a problem he has to express to you in this negative way. Why can't he just pursue his relationship with them? It doesn't sound like they're rejecting him or anything. He should email, text, call, whatever it takes, visit (without you) and so forth. Then he need not miss them. My take on this is that there is something he is not saying? Maybe manopause as anyname said. In a woman, people would say she was getting broody for grandkids? Some people are like that.
Do you think it's possible
Do you think it's possible for men to get baby fever when the youngest kid is about to leave home?
good replies... i have tried
good replies... i have tried to "be there" i love my step kids too and enjoy seeing them. i have suggested he talk to them about how hes feeling. i have suggested he talk to someone. i have suggested the text weekley phone calls or face time and Ive suggested a once a month set date that is a given that we all get together! i dont know what else to do?? i think there is more to it...but its not me being unsupportive. thats why I think he needs to talk to someone besides me. Thanks folfs!!
He's just saying how he
He's just saying how he feels. Divorce is such a thief. It took years away from him and the kids. Even if he had amicable and successful custody sharing. He didn't come home every night to the kids and now the kids no longer have an abode with mom and dad to come home to as they grow older with grandkids etc...
My stepkids never come to see their dad. They love him, but our house is not home without mom. We live far now, but they rarely came when we lived by them too. I can't say I blame them.
It seems most skids don't come to birth dad/step mom home near as much as they would birth dad/mom. This happens even if they lived in birth dad/step mom home. Even if the step kids try to visit, they still have to split the time with birth mom.
I'm saying all this to validate how he feels. He has the triple loss of the kids getting older, missing out on time with in the past and a future of less time than he would sans divorce. I'm not judging why he divorced. It's just to say, the consequences of splitting are so costly and he has good reason to feel the way he does. He may just need to grieve.
Throwing money at kids means less for you in your retirement years. It might help him to look at that as well. He may also need to be educated on guilty dad syndrome as it seems to benefit no one.
I'm planning on
I'm planning on homeschooling. My son is very spirited and I think he'll do well to learn while being able to have breaks with play time as needed. I really want to savor these years as they'll go by so quickly. That's another reason I'm so happy to be disengaged. I can focus so much more on my little man.