How would you handle it?
So, being new to this disengagement thing, I feel I have come pretty far, but I have a question. I told the DW that I was sorry she was upset (she did not have a relaxing weekend with 24BD in Pittsburgh), but I was doing everything I could do and she should spend as much time as often as she wanted with her kids. I told her she should plan on spending all of Mother’s Day with them. She replied that 24BD is coming home from Pittsburgh this weekend for her (24BD’s) birthday and Mother’s Day. DW said she is sorry but she plans on spending the weekend with her 24BD and her other 2 kids. She told me she is not doing this to hurt me, but that “it is just something she has to do”. I told her that I wanted her to spend Mother’s Day with her family and if that means the whole weekend, then she should take all the time she wants and needs. I finished the discussion with saying to her I am giving her what she have been asking for. So, detached and giving her loving space. So far so good.
I decided that I was not going to just sit around all weekend. I don’t know if 24BD is coming to stay here because the last time she was here, things did not go well (before I found this site) and DW and 24BD, who started out staying here, got their stuff and went to a hotel for the last night she was in town. I was going to ask where they were staying this weekend, but I really don’t care because I was already making plans for my weekend. Since my mom passed away 8 years ago, I wanted to spend Mother’s Day with her sister, who has been like a second mother to me. So I booked a flight to Florida to go visit her and my uncle. They are both 90 years old.
This is where it gets confusing and I need your help. Should I have asked where the 24BD was staying? DW says 24BD is not comfortable here, and I really, and I mean REALLY don’t care. I have my plans and will leave at like 5 AM Saturday morning to go catch my flight. Should I just tell DW my plans to go away for the weekend, which I will tell her no matter what. Should I ask DW now where 24BD is staying? I don’t want to initiate that conversation because it feels like I am engaging again. Or do I wait for her to bring up the 24BD coming into town and tell her then? I would have told her when she informed me of her Mother’s Day weekend plans, but I hadn’t talked with my aunt yet or booked my flight. I want to do this right and not have my going to Florida seen as a retaliation because it’s not. I am doing things for me. I told her to spend Mother’s Day with her kids. I was working on my own plans, which I didn’t feel she needed to know until they were finalized.
Replace 24BD with 24SD
Its too early and I don’t sleep enough... Please replace all instances of 24BD with 24SD.
I agree with mapitout. Just
I agree with mapitout. Just tell her ASAP that you're going to see your aunt for Mother's Day and your itinerary (if you already have your arrangements made, there's no need to spring it on her last minute - tell her now). Let her know that you hope she has a wonderful weekend with her kids. There is no need for you to know their plans.
I'd explain it thus: Just as she is spending time
with her loved ones on Mother's Day, so will you. Tell her you hope she has a wonderful time with her kids, and you expect to do the same with your aunt and uncle in Florida. Do this in a cheerful manner and in an up-beat way. Because it is! And then don't say another word about it unless there are some practical logistics involved.
If she wants to engage on the issue, stick to your main message: "I encourage you to spend time with your loved ones, and I will do the same." Don't get into any ping-pong matches about the whys behind it, just respond with that simple fact.
Let her and her kids figure out where they will be staying. If it's at your house and you are not going to be there, there shouldn't be a problem. This is part of the disengagement process - you don't care what they do so don't ask or bring it up.
If you really don't care,
If you really don't care, then don't ask.
Although when you first disengage, it is hard not to care, so accept that. But bite your tongue as hard as you can and don't bring up her children at all. Over time, you will honestly not care a thing about them! My OSD has become just another distant relative of my DH's that he goes to visit from time to time. She is not a part of my life. She lives several states away; there is no reason to bring her up unless he is planning a visit.
If the topic comes up later in the week about why you are going to visit, tell her you are doing it for you, your aunt is 90 and how much time does she have left, and leave it at that.
But I encourage you to stay on that path of doing things for you. Just because you get married does not mean you need to get absorbed in the other person's life. You had a life before your DW and you should continue to have your own life.
I Agree
I have a life too. It now includes less time shared with DW. I’m not going to sit here and wait for her. Life is too short and I will fill my life with as much happiness as I possibly can. If that is with or without DW, that’s just fine with me. Not what I imagined when I married her, but I am a self-aware and caring person. If she chooses to be with her kids, who I really don’t want to be around, I know to go live the life I want and deserve. If it eventually leads to us splitting up, I will accept it. I did not cause the divide, can’t be responsible for her kids, and we all have to do what we feel is best for ourselves. And taking care of ourselves is always a high priority thing.
I feel like I’m in a much better place.
All Good Advice
Thank you everyone. This is how I felt, but want to step cautiously through this mine field of disengagement because I know how things can be taken the wrong way and then blow up on you.
At the current time DW is not very receptive to conversation, so I put everything in an email explaining that I didn’t tell her earlier because my plans were only finalized late yesterday. She has my flight information and can always reach me on my cell phone. She also has my aunts home phone number if she needs it.
I also included this... “I encourage you to spend as much time with your kids as often as you want. I honestly hope you have a great Mother’s Day with your loved ones. Just like you, I am going to spend time with people I love and care about.”
I hope this goes well. Keep your fingers crossed.
As long as you don't care if
As long as you don't care if SD stays at the house while you aren't there, I would tell your wife your plans now that you know them. This way, she can plan to have her daughter stay if she wants which would probably be nice because it would save money.. not that you have to care about that.. but sometimes being kind... even to people who aren't to you is the right thing to do. Inform her of plans and tell her to have a wonderful weekend with her family and you will see her X.
Yep
Thats what I did.
I am sorry your DW does not
I am sorry your DW does not seem to be making your marriage a priority. Maybe she needs time to figure things out.
Not sure how you feel about trusting the skids to stay at your home. If it were me, I would want to know if any of the adult skids and gskids were staying at my home, because I simply don't trust them and they use to mess with my belongings when I would visit DH at his house. Furthermore, anyone who doesn't respect me has no reason to be in my home, and especially stay there. Even if they are DH's spawn.
Great job on making plans for yourself to be around other caring folks. Do what is best for you.
I feel the same
I would feel uncomfortable leaving and knowing that SD is going to be in my home. She is not trustworthy either. In the past she has abused my pets and has been disrespectful of my personal possessions. She would leave a mess for me to clean up. Agree that someone who has no respect for me has no right to stay here.
It has been mentioned that at first disengagement is hard - and it is. But the end result is sure worth it. I think the OP is handling the situation better than I would have. His DW is not making the marriage a top priority but he is doing what is necessary to go on with his life, giving DW time to sort things out. Of course, no one can wait forever. DW has some painful decisions to make. If the OP does not take part in dialog which involves the skids he is delivering the message that it is not his responsibility or desire to deal with skid issues. Meanwhile, I hope the OP continues on his quest to do what is good for him.
Good points
All good points. Let me clarify... I don’t know if SD is staying here and don’t want to engage to find out. But I may need to have that discussion. I am just not sure about how much of the disengagement to tell the DW. There seem to be two distinct ways to do this either you tell them or you just do it.
The other point is SD has not proven to be someone that would be distressed. And she would not be here alone. But I don’t leave until Saturday morning and I expect, but don’t know, that she is probably coming in Friday night. If she is really not comfortable being here, they will most likely be in a hotel. Neither DW or SD want to stay with 30SS. Does that tell you something about the whole situation?
"Neither DW or SD want to
"Neither DW or SD want to stay with 30SS. Does that tell you something about the whole situation?" Yes it does. It can't ALL be your imagination.
Most of us who have disengaged have found it is better to just disengage rather than discussing the disengagement. I did not explicitly tell my DH I was disengaging from SD but informed him of my boundaries - one of which is SD is not allowed to enter our home unless DH can insist she respects me as his wife. I also gave him the choice of working on the marriage or leaving.
Please be aware of the 'uncomfortable' insinuation. My SD used this to manipulate DH and make me out to be the villain. She had nothing else to justify her rudeness. I asked DH to tell me 'specifically' how I had made SD uncomfortable. He couldn't come up with one incident. But I added that SD made ME uncomfortable - and I had proof.
You are handling the situation a lot better than I did. But if I had it to do over again, I would take your approach; calmly and with a positive attitude, tell DH if SD is uncomfortable and wants to stay elsewhere, I have no problem with it.
I don’t know what to think really
As I said before, 24SD has never done anything to disrespect me. I had a hard time dealing with the way 30SS was treating me and my emotions got the best of me. That was before I found this site and the antidepressant meds I was on were really not good for me. Plus I did not have nearly the clarity and inner peace I have now
However, when DW and “family” went to her mother’s burial a few weeks ago, I said I would let her have time with her family and stay away out of respect for DW’s mother and DW because she was “concerned” how things would go. I was sad because I loved her mom and she loved me. They were gone all day and I hadn’t heard from DW, so out of concern I texted to see where she was. BIG MISTAKE! I was immediately labeled as not being fair and mad. I honestly was having as good a day as possible, given the circumstances. But when I told her to spend time with her family, she said she didn’t want to bring 24SD here if I was being like that. Again I told her to spend time with her family. At that point all communication stopped. She was mad at me, came home while I was out, grabbed her stuff and 24SD’s stuff and went to a hotel. I feel that she convicted me by reading emotion into a text that was giving her what she wanted... time with her family.
So that is after spending the day with the narcissist, who I’m sure was glad I was not there. But I didn’t care. I pulled myself out, they did not exclude me, so why would I be mad? It was my attempt again to disengage, and it blew up in my face. That’s why I am so cautious about how I go about the disengagement now.
Sad
Sorry, I didn't realise that in your case, 'cook book' disengagement might not work - not with the group you are working with. This is relational aggression at it's worst. Now I understand why you said if things don't work out with DW and you that you are ready to move on.
She absolutely needs time
i know the woman I fell in love with is in there somewhere and that she still loves me too. I unfortunately she is lost because of her narcissistic son. I don’t know if she can find her way back. I am giving her what she wants, time with her kids. And I am taking what I want, my mental well being. If she wants to commit to the marriage, then we will survive. Otherwise, we will go our separate ways.
I really don’t care about 24SD staying here. She has been the most hospitable of any of them. I also know her narcissistic older brother has more control over her and her mother, which I was not dealing with prior to finding this site. But I need to disengage from all of them. I didn’t before and kept getting sucked back in when they had any sort of “family” event where I was specifically excluded. That put me into a downward spiral. So now it’s total disengagement.
Besides, she is the only one that doesn’t have a home here. She lives in Pittsburgh and we live outside of Washington DC. I’m sure the other skids won’t come here, and DW knows 30SS is not allowed here, even if I am not here. I do not trust him at all.
Enjoy your weekend with your
Enjoy your weekend with your Aunt and Uncle. I would have no problem with SD not being in your home if I were you. Her comfort or lack of comfort is irrelevent. In fact... that she doesn't want to be in your home is a great thing IMHO.