Guess I Know Where I Rate
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I shouldn't be surprised but I just noticed that DH has two speed dial numbers set up in his cell phone. The first is his office, the second SD. His dad and son didn't make the cut either so I guess I'm in good company by not being in his top two. I know that DH and SD talk almost daily and he and I rarely talk during the day while he's at work but it still hurts that she rates above me. DH and SD will never cut the tie that binds no matter what. We are going away for a week, it should be interesting to see how he gets his calls in while I'm with him.
Shame. On. Him.
Shame. On. Him. :sick:
You are not competing with
You are not competing with his daughter... He has a different relationship with you. You say you don't talk to him during the day much - well call him more....just a thought.
You are quite right Mindy, I
You are quite right Mindy, I am not in competition with the SD. She made it quite clear to me before we married when she told me that she didn't want her father to have to choose between us. As long as she gets what she wants from him and he puts her first all is well with her. If you only knew of the manipulation, both private and public, and how he responds without considering me you might understand why I was bummed. Just one more thing but not as openly in my face as other things.
Oh believe me I understand
Oh believe me I understand how the skids can be.. I am lucky in that my hubby put a stop to his kids nonsense long ago and the main reason they don't like me is because he did. The advise I would give you is to disengage...it is hard to do... but once you do you will realize that no matter what your husband or your SD does, it won't have any bearing on your happiness. I know it is hard to stand by and watch your hubby get used/abused by his SD...but by not participating, not putting your opinion in there... you free yourself up from the drama.
I do not think it means what
I do not think it means what you believe it means. Speed dial does not equal "in his heart and mind". There are other indicators of that. He calls her more than you - because he comes home to you every night. I would let it go and not even raise an eyebrow.
He lives with you. That is
He lives with you. That is probably the reason that he talks to her more during the day. And they probably keep their conversations during daytime hours so that you can have his evening time. No? Would you rather he wait until he is home with you to talk to his daughter? He probably calls her more because he does not see her on a daily basis. I bet if he did, the number of calls would drop and he would have no need to have her on speed dial. But, if you so feel the need to be on speed dial to feel equal to her, put yourself on his speed dial. He won't call you more, though. He sees you every morning, sleeps with you, and comes home to you every night. I understand other manipulations and things but in this case, based on what you wrote, I would say this particular incident is you using the low self-esteem that you have allowed her to instill in you, to beat yourself up. And no, absolutely DO NOT call him more during the day. Chances are he has a certain amount of time to talk on the phone during the day if he has a regular job and even if he has all of the time in the world to talk, he will see this is jealousy of and competition against his daughter and I'm sorry but no respectable man will ever choose a woman over their children. I imagine he is a respectable man because you married him. I understand those little why's? that creep in fully. Please do not think I am putting you down. I really do however, think that you need to let this one go. I don't think it means to him the same that it means to you.
"I'm sorry but no respectable
"I'm sorry but no respectable man will ever choose a woman over their children"
huh??? It doesn't sound like the op is trying to make her DH choose her over her children. Why would you even say that?? I would feel bad if your post was directed at me.
There are likely hundreds of times SM was put second and most SM's accept it for far too long. These little things just sting an already open wound. If there was no wound it probaly wouldn't bother her at all.
You are quite right 20years,
You are quite right 20years, I would never ask my DH to choose between us. SD and I have different relationships with DH, unfortunately, SD often acts as the mini wife and pushes the daughter line. DH has allowed her to do this but would never tell her differently for fear of hurting her feelings. SD rarely makes a move without calling him, that was a major part of her first marriage failure. Rather than talk to her husband about daily decisions or issues, she discussed them with DH and shut her former husband out. It also didn't help that DH despised her former husband.
I, as well as other family members, see the unhealthy relationship they have, possibly widower's guilt. My DH is a wonderful man except how he enables SD. As a woman, it saddens me to see how, under SD's facade of being superwoman, she is truly a weak, self-centered, manipulative person.
Life would be heavenly if DH would speak up to SD instead of her always appearing to have the upper hand. Recently she was looking for babysitters to watch the grand skids while she left town. She sent an email to family members, me included, asking for help. When, after a few hours, no one responded, she called DH to ask him to help her out. DH was not included in the email. The next thing I receive is another group email telling everyone that DH was going to babysit. That evening I asked DH why he didn't choose to ask me if we had plans. He responded by telling me that he told SD that "we" would babysit only if she couldn't find anyone else. Okay, there are several issues here but SD immediately sent the group email after DH said we would be a last resort. Manipulation, yes. It was in writing for all to read and DH couldn't or wouldn't call her on it.
I do my best to disengage from SD, so much so that she has noticed. I'm fine with her noticing that I treat others more warmly and wondering why I no longer do the same for her. But, yes, deep inside, it bothers me when I find that she is on speed dial or like last night, when we attended a concert and DH knew SD's favorite song but he couldn't name either of my favorite songs even though we talked about this before.
I do appreciate everyone's advice and I realize that there are several ways of looking at the same thing but what I really enjoy about this site is that I can complain "out loud" about the step issues that at times break me until I get up, clean myself up and start a new day again.
You have commented on a post
You have commented on a post I had. Did I tell you how much I appreciate you!!! I APPRECIATE YOU SO MUCH!!!!
Thank you all so much, I
Thank you all so much, I continue to learn so much from everyone's experiences as well as my own. I wish being married with Skids wasn't so difficult. Life is too short for all the drama, especially within the family.
My 20 yrs old SD lives with
My 20 yrs old SD lives with us or should I say, we live with them. I dont feel like this is my house. She is, what I learned off of here, his mini-wife. She still tries to run the house. She does NOTHING!!! Cook, clean, wash clothes, NOTHING!!! We have to take care of her dog. She just runs the streets and hopefully, finally goes to school for cosmotology. Yes, you can vent on here. I love this site bc I can vent and let it out loud. No holding back. I hate that you have to experience things like this. Talking about life being short. My husband is battling lymphomia and you would think SD would want to make some appt's or bring a glass of water. She is an only child and just wants the debit card. I hope he is taking notes. I hope your DH wakes up bc if he continues to sleep, he will let his marriage pass him by. Disengage is how I handle my SD sometimes. We barely talk and she doesnt spend night there since our big blow out. So just know that you are never alone on here. lol
You are so right it can be
You are so right it can be irritating. I know. I am sooooo there!!! I try and deal with it for the sake of not picking a fight with DH or just take my 13 yr old D to the mall or something. I let him be where he chooses to be and when we return he is there all alone. I imagine he has given her money once again. She dont work and I am contributing to half of her living by buying food and paying the water bill. I refuse to do anymore bc I dont feel I have the status of the wife, the woman of the house. So therefore when DH says we need to save money, I tell him to tell the person that is spending his money. lol I laught to myself and it gives me great pleasure to say that to him. She texts him alot when we are out but I know it is to be nosey or she is up to something and dont want to get caught. Our home is so peaceful when she is not there. I have a bigger home in the country and someday DH and I are going to move there. It is too slow for her there so lol no chances of her following. Just keep holding on to why you married him and hopefully that will give you some comfort during your day.
Again, thank you all for the
Again, thank you all for the advice. There has been so much going on with DH and SD in the last year that this small thing really got to me. I guess I just needed an outlet to spew my feelings. I don't have my own family to speak to when I need "to let it go." I do have sons but I would never say anything negative to them about DH. They know the SD and have unfortunately seen for themselves her controlling ways. They know the hoops DH jumps through for her and her children.
Often times I think I wouldn't feel this way if there wasn't so much secrecy or if her treated his other adult child the same way but this will never be. DH's family has told me that this is how it has always been, the SD gets anything she wants, she is never wrong in anything she does (she actually said that to several of us last month) and the SS is a "knucklehead" and can't do much right. For example, if the SD is late, poor thing, she must be in traffic but if the SS is late, he didn't plan ahead and consider there might be traffic.
The sad truth is the SS is a terrific husband, father and provider for his family. Whenever he has borrowed money from DH he has always paid it back. On the other hand when the SD needs money, new car or her home paid for, she doesn't hesitate to ask DH and she doesn't pay back and for all he has done for her, there is no way she could. The standards for the two Skids are like night and day. I always try to be an advocate for SS because is a good person who should not be overlooked by his father just because "it's always been like that."
By the way, SD who is newly divorced with two children of her own, told me a month after she asked her husband to leave that she was hoping to find someone "just like her dad." She found her new beau three weeks later. But that's another story for another time. LOL
I completely understand your
I completely understand your issue. It is just a symptom of a problem that you are living every day. It is a let down after you think you meet the man you are madly in love with, only to then meet his mini-wife. How they really feel about each other is confusing. My DH is only allowed one photo on his desk and had one of he and his daughter even after we were married. I felt like crying when I asked him which of the wedding photos he had used and he admitted he still had the one of he and his daughter. It wasn't that I was competing, I never thought that he would not have had our photo because he said marrying me was the happiest day of his life.
You are ok to feel the way you are feeling and it is a good idea to share and get advice.
I am confused too. I am just hoping that I do not fall out of love. There has been some real damage done and I am sad about a lot of it. Is that how you feel deep down. Sad? When I get angry it is a waste of energy.
Yes Fresh, that's exactly how
Yes Fresh, that's exactly how I feel, sad not angry. I'm sad about so many things. Though my DH has yet to say that our wedding day was the happiest day of his life, I know he is very happy with me/us. To say those words aloud, his children would feel he was diminishing what he had with his deceased wife. They see how happy he is with me and they have said they wished he could have been as happy with her. Despite saying that, they would prefer he not have married.
The sadness in my heart is because he doesn't see his relationship with SD the way everyone else does. She is the puppeteer and he the puppet. I often feel sorry for DH because of it.
On his desk at home are two pictures, one of SD and grandskids and one of his parents. My picture is on a shelf. I've never said anything to him about it because if I did he would put my picture on his desk too and since he didn't do it on his own I don't want it to be there.
I don't suspect that DH's and SD's relationship will ever change. From what family members have told me, DH and SD were like this from the time she was young. DW and SS were exceptionally close, so it was basically a house divided.
I hope you and I both survive the damage that has been done by these very confusing relationships.
ya mine was the business,
ya mine was the business, then my mom :jawdrop: , then he claimed he didn't set tha up, so know, obviously I;m a favorite