Finally discussed the 'issue' with DH after 7 years
This morning, after responding to a post by 'Too old for this' about her DH who allowed SD to bad mouth her, I realized it was finally time to discuss DH's actions over 7 years ago. I have told the story numerous times about how SD and her husband screamed at me and DH ran out the door rather than support me as his wife.
After 7 years the situation has cooled off enough to have a calm discussion about it. It was a big surprise that the first thing out of DH's mouth was, "I'm sorry. I should have handled it differently." He then added, "I should have encouraged you two to discuss it." This further surprised me because I realized he still had the perception that SD and I were on an equal footing, and this was an issue between SD and myself.
I replied, "There was no need for discussion between SD and I. The discussion should have been between you and SD about respecting your wife in her own home." I asked him if he thought it was right for her to treat me like I was invisible, slam doors in my face (I reminded him I had witnesses), scream at me in my own home and have sideline conversations with her hisband in the same room. He said, "No." I then asked what he would have done if SD had treated his first wife like that. He answered that his first wife would have whopped SD up side her head. I replied, "I wasn't her Mother." It seemed like I finally got through to him that I deserved to be respected in our home as much as his first wife was when he was married to her, that SD and I are not equals.
It occurred to me and it appeared to sink into his head somewhat that I had been placed between a rock and a hard spot. A no-win situation. He mentioned that her loyalty to her Mother might have been a factor. I added that she was jealous of anything he did for me. He said it wouldn't have mattered if he had married someone else. I agreed. He said he is comfortable visiting her rather than having her in our house. Thank God!
'Too old for this' pointed out how it seemed so bizarre but was reality check for her. It seems like when these things happen it takes a bit of time to gain clarity. It's all about our DH's perception of us vs. the Skids, and it's his problem to fix.
I had a feeling when I read
I had a feeling when I read your comment to Too Old's post that you might bring the subject up with your DH! I am glad you did and hopefully it brought you closure.
My DH disagreed with everything I said, got defensive, while the events were happening. But later after time had passed it was easy for him to admit that his DD had not treated me very nice and that now she was punishing him for not giving in to whatever she wanted, which over time was a host of situations she created to test if DH still put her first above me and also her sister.
You and I both agree that our DH's comfort is #1 to them. If they are on the spot, they are uncomfortable and do not wish to discuss it and want the problem to go away. But they KNOW what their DD's are doing...they just don't want to discomfort themselves by addressing it.
It is definitely DH's problem to fix. The dynamic was created by DH turning the other cheek for years at our SD's immature behavior. Like I told my DH, I was just a symptom of the problem, not the cause.
"--- they KNOW what their DD
"--- they KNOW what their DD's are doing...they just don't want to discomfort themselves by addressing it." Totally agree. I think that's the reason he would rather go visit SD than do what he should do to allow her back in our home again. Oh well!!!
Got to remember this one
"I was just a symptom of the problem, not the cause" wise words sacrificial.
You have given me hope
I am glad you spoke up. Although 7 years is a long time, at least you can talk now. I truly hope he gets it now.
I am not there yet, but your post gives me hope.
Also...
How Classic that he thought you and SD should talk! I am glad you did not fall for that.
Classic
Yes isn't it? He had not yet acknowledged after 7 years that he was responsible for the break down in communications between SD and me. He is a man of convenience - his own. I calmly informed him that it has been his responsibility in the first place. I don't think I could have done that 7 years ago when all of the hurt and deception was fresh. But I shouldn't have waited 7 years.
Sandye21
I have followed so many of your responses to posters, and you are always adding your own (unfortunate) experiences and wisdom which helps so many of us. I am so glad you were able to finally address this issue with DH , and that you finally got through to your DH .
thank you
How strong of you to stand up for yourself. It's so difficult because so often I think if SDs/SSs were not present, relationships could be so much stronger in some ways. But, what can you do because it's reality that we married our DH AND their families.Good for you!
I have followed your posts
I have followed your posts sandye21. I hope this will give you some closure. I have closure with the betrayal that DH and SD inflicted on our marriage. It changed everything for me concerning my marriage, trust, and love for my DH. I hope it does not end this way for you. You deserve better than was handed to me.
I had a very similar discussion with DH about SD's melt down to me in her 2 page hate email. It was even in writing and I handed it to DH to read. I ask him to discuss it with her and to never let it happen again. My DH ask me "how can we fix it?" I told him if we all sit down and discuss the betrayal and he truly apologize in front of SD and ask her to respect me as his wife from that day forward. I also expressed that I knew it would all take time to rebuild our relationships, but I felt it could be accomplished. This was 5 years ago. Not one thing has changed. My DH thought time would heal it all with no apology or actions of respect taking place. It just made the entire situation worse.
Long story short, I lost respect, love, and trust in my DH and our marriage. My DH is disabled, as you know, from my previous posts.
The closure I have accepted; I have chosen to stay and care for my DH after 38 years of marriage. I am civil, respect him, and care dearly for him; his DD57 never shows up, now that he is no fun any longer and I have set boundaries with her, concerning respect to me. DH thinks his DD can walk on water and that will never change. SD57 stays away from me and we have no blended family. DH caused the entire deterioration of this family. DH knows he caused the problem, but doesn't think he needs to fix it.
With all of this taking place over the past 5 years; I know there is no repair in my case. I am always inspired by people that are able to repair it. I admire you sandye21 and you are an inspiration to me. I will continue to stay here and read and the support here is amazing.
The Elephant in the Room
"DH knows he caused the problem, but doesn't think he needs to fix it." This is it. I AM glad though that I pointed out the problem was his lack of courage. I did not need a negotiator. I needed a Husband who expected his daughter to respect his wife. And I agree with SDM, men often flatter themselves as the one in the family with all of the wisdom but they are far from it.
We have a good marriage because the situation with SD is not brought up at all - so we live as if it doesn't exist. To tell the truth, I really don't want to see SD again. I have no desire to have a relationship with her at all. DH is very respectful of me and is very loving but I wonder what our marriage would have been like if I knew he had the courage to show his support of me.
Disengagement is definitely the answer when you are dealing with a Skid who is totally disrespectful and a DH who does not have the courage and wisdom to deal with issues properly and appropriately. But there are residual effects to the marriage as a whole. It is never quite complete. We don't entirely give ourselves to this man. We limit our trust, love and support. We keep some back for ourselves to balance things out. So DH and I go on - but every once in a while I stumble into what seems like a large leg of an elephant.
sandye21; this is exactly
sandye21; this is exactly what I presented to my DH and then I've let it go the past 5 years. I ask my DH to think about what our marriage would have been, if he had treated me with love and respect; instead he chose to betray me to his grown SD and try to make me look like a bad person.
He refuses to admit that his DD, as well as himself, are wrong, because he betrayed me to SD and then did not have the backbone to stand up to her; thus telling her to apologize to me and respect me as his wife. He did apologize, but it was not complete without the total package being corrected. This was all I ask, was to be treated with love and respect, as a spouse should be treated. I have always treated DH with love and respect. Now that is very difficult for me to do, but I try very hard to keep it between the lines.
Our marriage will never be the same, my feelings for my DH have changed, and I will never trust him again. Now that he is disabled this is very difficult for me to care for him during sickness and health. You see, I don't believe he would care for me, he would walk away in our situation.
With all of this said, I've had closure with the fact that I have chosen to ride it out, if it takes the rest of my living days. Therefore, I have chosen to live a life that I never dreamed I would be living in my retirement years. Again I have made this choice and will accept the facts. Sometimes facing the facts is the most difficult task to the solution of moving forward.
You are a strong person, such as others here. I admire your strength and it has helped me.
My DH and I went to a
My DH and I went to a counselor last year. The counselor told me that I was putting my DH in the middle and that if I have a problem with SD that I need to keep it between her and I. Not put DH in the middle. DH took that and ran with it. It justified it is his mind that it is my problem not his. She also justified the stepkids in that they were hurt by the divorce and were used to having DH all to themselves. She said that I need to understand that they were here before me that I am the outsider. She also said that I should not bring up anything from DH prior marriage. That was all DH need to hear.
He has not listened to anything I have to say about my feelings since. As long as we are not fighting then he is happy. He could care less if I am disengaged. He could care less how I feel. He could care less if there is any intimacy in our marriage. He has his life with his kids and GKid. He also spends a lot of time with his brother and sister.
i like both of you have totally lost respect for him. I don’t feel the same about him anymore. Like you Sammigirl I will probably stay. I feel much older than my years and don’t have the energy to start over by myself. I go thru the motions.
He lived in a loveless marriage for 22 years to supposedly stay together for the kids. BM is the one who filed for the divorce. He would have stayed in that marriage. I really don’t know why he ever deceided to marry me. He is perfectly fine living in a emotional loveless marriage.
The funny part is his brother is divorced and alone. He is having health issues and he tells DH how lucky he is to have me. DH thinks it is all good.
He told me not to long ago that a lot of women would be happy to have him. I guess he feels if I don’t workout he will just find another. 3 marriages or 4 marriages what does it matter.
I am happy for you sandy that your husband will at least listen some and validate your feelings some what.
Who picked the therapist?
Moose, The therapist you went to see with DH was terrible. She was not even listening to you. There are better ones out there who value marriage and listen to both sides objectively. Possibly get a different marriage therapist and see what happens. Also.please go see another therapist alone. This therapist will help you to gain enough confidence and self-respect to place boundaries on DH. And he needs them. He MUST know the way he treats you is not how a Husband is supposed to treat his wife.
After SD had her meltdown, and DH was gaslighting me, I phoned a therapist who obviously had her own agenda. She told me the same thing that your therapist said to you - that I was placing DH in the middle and shouldn't come between he and his daughter. Strange, but it sounded like a SD to me. She was just too hostile on the phone. I phoned another therapist who was willing to listen to me and we connected. She had a completely different view of the marriage and what the roles of a Husband and wife are supposed to be. She helped me to gain the self-confidence and courage to make needed changes.
You know you it is not right for your DH to be treating you the way he does, to be allowing SD to come to your work if it makes you uncomfortable, to be spending all of his time with the skids. If you ask most people they would agree. Please don't settle for things as they are now. Life is too short. Do what it takes to make your life happy and wonderful. (((BIG HUGS)))
Therapists can really do more
Therapists can really do more harm than good. How on earth is a step parent the one role in life that is just supposed to excuse the bad treatment we receive? And why are skids expected to be nice to everyone else BUT being disrespectful to a step parent is excused? "Oh poor baby, still having trouble with her parent's divorce from twenty years ago." We ALL have traumas to bear, don't we?
We got really lucky; we had a great therapist who was no nonsense, not neccesarily experienced in step family, but boundaries were big with her. Not putting up with crap from anyone, including poor widdle adult SDs who are the real ones who need therapy because they can't move forward.
Our therapist told me "Your DH has a right to see his children." But she turned to him and told him "your children are adults and you need to treat them like adults. Do you want to stay married?" It was a helpful session for both of us.
Totally agree
It is so important to find a therapist who 'fits'. I only hope Moose does not give up and looks for another therapist who will be more helpful. It's just terrible - the damage that the first therapist did to her marriage. Her DH and her skids need an attitude adjustment. I'm really glad I did not go to the first therapist that I phoned. My life would be a lot different now.
Therapists are human. Many times they make judgments based on their own history and are biased because of it. If the therapist does not understand the problem or you feel uncomfortable with them, if they seem one-sided, it's time to find a different one.
I agree totally it really is
I agree totally it really is a elephant in the room. I also think it feels like PTSD.