I have strongly suggested (because of her lying and "forgetting" things she promised to do)that my FH limit their communication to email. He agrees that unless one of the kids is sick/hurt there is no need to talk to her on the phone. They only email now after he tried it awhile and realized that I was right - it's much less stressful for all of us. The kids don't see him get nervous or tense, I don't have to hear her yelling and screaming through the phone (it's upsetting!)and he gets an opportunity to collect his thoughts and respond in a civil manner. Sometimes they go back and forth through email all day, but at least he always has her derogatory comments and threats on paper.

That is something that I feel is reasonable to suggest.

frustratedmom, your story sounds EXACTLY like mine and I COMPLETELY understand how you feel!!
I am a step mom and bio mom... When I first met my husband it was extremely hard to sit by and listen to my dh's nasty bitch ex wife talk down to him like she is better than him when she is the one who cheated 3 times, used dh for his money, lied, walked out, came back to have dh pay her bills and then walked out again, ETC. This is a low life 'woman' and even if she wasen't such a low lifer... no one deserves to be treated the way she was treating my dh.... I put an end to that BS right away! She didn't like the fact that she couldn't pull the strings on my hubby anymore... she didn't like that my dh was not at her beck and call anymore... she didn't like that he had moved on and was happy.
BB didn't take an active roll in her children's lives until I came into the picture and took the reigns.... Now she sees everything as some sort of competition.... She feels threatened because I am more stable than her and when I stepped in she saw how a mom is supposed to interact with her kids.... she saw how a 'real' mom behaves and she became resentful of me because the instinct that I naturally posess is something she will never know (I shouldn't say never... I hope she does get it someday).
I know it hurts to see another woman come in and do your job with one hand tied behind her back and do it far better! I lived it myself when I had my first child at 16, I had no idea what I was doing and to top it off I liked to drink too much and smoke weed.... Long story short, my son's dad got together with this older woman and I felt extremely insecure because she was everything that I wanted to be.... smart, responsible, reliable, etc. I truly looked up to this woman (UNTIL I met her and learned that what she looked to be in the eyes of a 16 year old child is not reality. Now that I am grown I see clearly that she is an insecure, petty, angry person. But I did learn from her what kind of stepmom NOT to be.)
Anyway, my point is that I know how it feels and it doesn't feel good.... When dh's ex finally did start acting like a mom my thought was, hey, if your going to be a part of the children's upbringing great! Thats just more love to go around.... more people to learn from.... and theres enough room for everyone (right?).... OH NO! Now she tires to act like super mom (all for show)....
Does it get better?? In some ways yes and in some ways no. She will never go away.... marry your dh and marry her, they are bound forever.... not just until the children are 18, for life. Try not to overprotect your hubby, let him get walked on by her once in awhile as it will remind him of what she is.... I am reading a book right now and this may help:
"Emotional baggage can weigh you down and hold you back. By baggage we mean bad stuff from the past. We've all experienced difficult events and relationships, emotional hurts, divorces, serious mistakes, tragic accidents, or loss of a loved one. Ideally, these events are resolved as they happen. But often pain is stuffed instead of dealt with; offenders are not forgiven; fears are not confronted; conflicts are not resolved, leaving us with past feelings and patters of behavior that impact the present. That's baggage. You can't be fully healed until you deal with it.
Here are practical tips for helping you discard baggage.
1) AGREE THAT YOU HAVE A PAINFUL PAST.
Acknowledge that painful things have happened to you that were not resolved. If you don't work through them, they will prevent you from healing. So the first step is to confess to yourself and to God that you have these issues.
2) FORGIVE OTHERS.
Some of your baggage may be hurts you received from others. You still carry pain, anger and perhaps hatred. You must forgive these people. Take your cue from God, who has forgiven you. If you don't forgive, resentment will eat away at your heart. When you forgive another, you release that person from your right to exact punishment and retribution from them. And you release your own baggage of pain and resentment in the process.
3) SEE YOURSELF THROUGH NEW EYES.
Another kind of baggage is the distorted view of ourselves we learned in past relationships or situations. We tend to see ourselves through the eyes of others who are important to us. And depending on whether that view is positive or negative we either feel valued or devalued. A realistic selfview will be balanced, recognizing strengths as well as weaknesses and growth areas.
Find this view by seeing yourself through God's eyes, for he loves you unconditionally and values you highly.

Hope I was able to help you!

Not at all bitchy! I can only relate my own experience. My 2 adult stepdaughters are much worse now. Bio mom poisoned them against me. I raised the younger one from age 14. Bio mom had nothing to do with her for 5 years. This SD never worked a full-time job, refused to go to college or vocational school despite us offering to pay her way, she came on ALL our vacations up until this summer (she is 25), we paid for her car AND car insurance,bought her a condo which she trashed, I kicked she and her husband out and she hated me, she became pregnant, I had forgiven her and took her in, she had the baby and did NOTHING to help me in the house, refused to get a job and laid around. She is now in an apt with another person, was fired and does not work. She blames me for her decision to have the child and says I promised her an extended family (in other words, she expected me to take care of her child). She, her sister and bio mother now really hate me as I have disengaged. I no longer will tolerate disrespect and the only way to stop that is by not having a relationship with them.
Always demand respect and make sure the kids have consequences. My SD never had any consequences and my husband always bailed her out. Thus, she is now a dysfunctional adult.I wish you the best.

Bio mom called here a while back to ask to speak to husband. She wanted him to go "car shopping" to get SD a new car! SD doesn't even work full-time and she expected us to make the down payment! This is after GIVING her our car which is still in excellent condition. Husband is afraid to "make her mad". So, I told her not to call here anymore.She can deal with this young lady who will not work and has a 3 year old.Let her know she sent this girl here at age 14 and she had nothing to do with her. She refused to communicate with me despite the fact that the girl was under my roof! I was always cordial and willing to communicate with her. She absolutely refused. She went so far as to return a letter to me, unread. So,now that SD is age 25, I told her she has no reason to call my home anymore. Let her know I will consider it harrassment if she does. I know this sounds harsh, but you have NO idea how awful this woman has been to me.

I wonder the same thing if the ex would ever be out of our lives, but if she had kids with him then probably not. Thank god for technology! Seriously if the ex needs to communicate with my fiance then she can use text messaging, that is if the kids aren't deathly ill or anything like that. She needs to move on... She cheated on my fiance on several occasions when they were married and now he has to pay her money every month for alimony and child support which eats up our income. Now that she found a boyfriend that only hangs out with her when the kids aren't around the amount of calls and messages has decreased. However, she still sends messages asking for more money claiming that the kids have no food and it irritates me so bad. later on we found out from the kids that she went to a concert. Moreover, she even went to the extent to ask my husband if I can watch the kids on HER weekend while he's out of town. This women seriously does not have any shame. I'm sure she wants me to watch the kids for her so she can go out and get laid which is totally fine but I'm not the live in nanny. Things will get better if you work with your boyfriend on it. If he really hates his ex like my fiance does then email or text message is the best way of communication if she truly can't move on and get a life!!
Avalin