Confrontation with Bio Daughter
This happened with husband and bio daughter, the one child in the family he and I share.
So husband comes home, standing in the kitchen, daughter (senior in HS) a room away with back to husband watching TV, husband says (without addressing anyone) "Your teacher called me today at work." I am clueless what he is talking about. Daughter does not reply immediately so husband gets upset (huff). She then replies in a low voice which makes husband madder. Nothing was said to me so I have no idea what is going on but I am standing in the kitchen too. Husband then in a very stern, demanding, upset voice tells daughter everything teacher had said on the phone. Daughter gets upset and tells her dad that she knew all this, the teacher spoke to her too.
I chime in confused and say I understand both sides but I don't know why husband is so upset. He launches in on the whole conversation he had with teacher yet again. I was standing right there, I heard it the first time. So I tell him to stop, that emotions are running high on everyone's part and that we need to let this subject rest. If looks from husband could kill.
I finished making dinner and I left so I would not say something I would regret. I did tell husband where I was going. I had to calm down and pull my thoughts together. Once I calmed down and I called husband on my cell and asked him if he was ready to talk. I then asked him if he had wanted to talk to our daughter why he did not go into the living room, face her and ask her what was going on so she could have a chance to explain? I told him that she is nearly a legal adult and he is treating her like she is a 10 year old. I told him that his communication was not effective and really was more demands that communication and that was not one ounce of support from him to her on the subject. I told him he could have asked, listened and then gave her support while still addressing that she had to follow rules.
So I want to ask for some input here on this situation. Am I expecting too much from my husband? Should I have let it go and supported his way of handling the situation?
I later explained this all to a friend and she tells me that they have dealt with the same in their house and I just need to let go of it and forgive. I was shocked at her response. My husband was not hitting and calling names but he was very demanding to the point I not only felt the situation was needlessly out of hand but I felt it was abusive.
Not knowing what he said I
Not knowing what he said I can't make a judgement on whether or not he was abusive.
What is obvious is that he was not effective. He failed in that his method of dealing with it upset his wife. I am not concerned about your daughter. Kids bounce. She will be fine.
I think you did the right thing in defusing the tension and taking the discussion offline. Generally I do agree with your friend though. If your DH does not have an abusive history I would chalk it up to a one time event and move on. I have had a couple of those events myself. We worked through them and there was no lasting damage to our marriage or the relationship with the kid.
Basically my daughter left a
Basically my daughter left a work program at school 15 minutes early and teacher was telling husband if there is another offense she is out of the class. Husband was repeating this to daughter but was angry and upset which I don't understand. Did he get upset that he had to handle it or that he was called at work? Did he think if he put this all across in a demanding tone that it would get thru to daughter? I was bewildered.
This is far from an isolated incident unfortunately. he thinks he can commands the kids around and they are just supposed to obey and at the same time very inconsistent. The older 4 kids are out of the house now. However, many years ago one of boys dropped a bowl of mashed potatoes on the floor. I knew it was an accident and said so, I am helping clean up and husband is tearing his son down emotionally, carrying on like he committed some crime. I told husband that he had to stop reacting like this, it was not good for his son. He'd go from extremes like this to actually needed to deal with bigger issues like his son stealing and start fires and he wouldn't address it, this was his bio son that he had full custody of. When one of the other boys wanted to bring porn into the house I spoke with husband, this was something we made very clear with our house rules, husband wanted to let it go. I refused but rather than talking to him about the dangers of porn addiction and healthy means of deal with porn he told his son to keep the material in his car.
He does not communicate, he sits. We can be having a family conversation at the kitchen table with him there and he will not even hear us, he is tuned out. You try to share anything with him, a project, he leaves or won't give input. You can say something to him with expectations of a response like most people would do, he says nothing.
He has been diagnosed at emotionally unavailable and passive-aggressive. I have just got to a point that I find this things like this needless, flabbergasting, and inexcusable. I told husband I think he has some real issues from childhood and that his way of dealing with issues are the way he saw his dad deal with issues and I feel he needs to seek professional counsel.
Well if you know all this
Well if you know all this about him, why are you surprised he reacted in a way in which he is known to always react?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result.
Smileys, my thoughts exactly,
Smileys, my thoughts exactly, I appreciate the support!
Sorry, but if this was me and
Sorry, but if this was me and my parents, my mom would say to my dad, "Honey, come with me for a second, this is the first time I heard of this and would like to get the whole story so we can decide what to do. Daughter, please go to your room while we speak about what your teacher said and we'll come in when we've finished talking."
I would be consider it poorly handled if you showed you defended her from something her dad has a right to do, which is scold for misbehavior. The above method shows that you guys are a united front first and foremost, and then you can get the whole story. I know you were shocked and probably reacted from the gut, but realize that it does no one any favors if you jump to her defense over being scolded. Your marriage is not going to thank you, and your daughter will realize mom will protect her if she did something wrong. A scolding is not abusive.
Ooh boy. This hits close to
Ooh boy. This hits close to home because my situation is very similar. If I were your husband in this situation (and I've had PLENTY of similar situations like this), this is what I would have done:
I would gather my SS and my wife in the same room away from distractions. I would say "SS, I got a phone call from your teacher today. Now before I tell your mother what she said, do you want to come clean and explain to us what it is you did today in school that merited your teacher having to call me at work?"
Unfortunately for my SS, he does not respond well to these kind of confrontations, ESPECIALLY if he knows he did something wrong. So he would get an angry blast from both DW and me, and punishment would follow. Unfortunately, my DW parents out of guilt and lifts the punishment as quickly as it is imposed, but that is another story...
Now my own father, threatened all kinds of holy hell on me when it came to school. When I left my homework at school once, he dragged my ass back to school and made me break in to get my homework. Yes, you read that right, my father made me commit a crime to get my homework. Rest assured, I never forgot my homework again. I excelled scholastically largely because I feared my father's repurcussions. Later, because I knew what choice of career I wanted.
I am convinced that this is the ONLY WAY my SS will succeed in school. To be forced to task, and watched EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Unfortunately, my DW, due in large part to her own personal experiences in high school (she was bullied and tormented in school; even by the teachers) believes in a more soft approach.
So like your situation, my wife and I are at opposite ends of the pole when it comes to disciplining my SS whenever he f*cks up in school.
In the end, we both want the same thing (and I imagine you and your husband want the same thing for your daughter). The thing is, neither DW nor myself are educators. My SS has BIG problem right now with his math tecaher. His math teacher hates trouble-makers in her class - and SS has been given the brand of a trouble maker - Whether that brand is deserving or not, SS has a HUGE uphill battle to climb in order to succeed in that class and stay out of summer school. We have bent over backwards to get all the help SS needs and we stay on top of him.
Yes, I get pissed off. Especially when I come home and see my SS just sitting there playing when he really should be studying...but I can only discipline him as far as DW will let me.
I agree with the others about
I agree with the others about pulling your dh aside and getting the story before confronting SD. I think men in general are more apt to take a stronger approach with kids than mothers. This is partially why my ex and I are divorced. I was a soft touch and DID disagree with his "stronger approach" of discipline, and, yes, in front of our daughters. He finally gave up, checked out, and we divorced. He said during the divorce that he felt like it was the 5 of us "over here" and him "over there". Yes...I did stand up for my daughters when I felt he was out of line. I would probably do it again, because I stand up for what I believe to be right and wrong and I found his approach wrong. I think my daughters appreciate that softer side of me, but, on the flip side, I don't get alot of respect from them either. Anyway, I think my ex just didn't do well in a household full of females coming from an all male family, but that's another story.
My new dh is even worse than my ex, but I don't have to get involved with his sons nor he my daughters. One night he went off on SS21 (not the brightest light bulb in the pack) and when he came upstairs, I told him I did not condone how he handled his son, but, since he's not MY child, I don't get involved. Besides, HIS sons NEED a strong parent because of their stupidity (drug use). I keep telling him...he handles his kids, HIS way and I will handle mine MY way. It's rather nice to NOT have kids together because then that works for us, but there are issues with both sets of kids that set us off which has been the biggest problem in our marriage.
Wow, thanks!
Wow, thanks!
Since the teacher gave the
Since the teacher gave the warning that next time she leaves early she will be out of the class it makes me wonder how many times this has happened before. Your DH's reaction was a bit over the top. It appears there may be something going on that has nothing to do with DD.