Another Holiday Thread
I'm seeing all the holiday threads here and it reminded me that 'tis the season to put on fake togetherness for the families...
I spoke to my my mother this Thanksgiving morning about how I am not able to be there because I am obligated(as usual) to the wife's family,because we go to her aunt's who is old and health is wavering. So basically we're only going to my family's twice a year now,for Mother's Day and Christmas.
My mother has also expressed her dismay at the fact that for most of the year my wife and SS doesn't bother with her,yet expects to come over on Christmas and expect gifts...I mean whaat? And of course I have to keep the peace by just going along,because when I bring it up the guilt-laden wife starts to blow up...because apparently the truth is repressed here alot.
Our biggest blowups do come around the holidays,or Valentine's...probably because there are those issues that need to be fixed.
Hey maybe one year I'll get the gift of not having to deal with it anymore...
Dear Torture: Happy
Dear Torture: Happy Thanksgiving - we're related! My 6 SKs only come over when they want something - their birthdays and Christmas and screw every Hs birthday and Father's Day in between. And our fights always start from mid-November (hunting time) through the week after New Years (this past been going on for the past 12 years!) Your mother is hurt and that is understandable. Remember your wife is your wife and that's her son/family, not yours (I really learned this on ST!) Put your foot down and insist on going to your mom's maybe with or without your wife/son.
Make sure you give the best gift to yourself - is yourself, your health, and your happiness.
Sending hugs!
idk, Mother's Day and
idk, Mother's Day and Christmas are two of the biggest holidays for moms. Why shouldn't your wife have Thanksgiving with her family? Seems like you are already getting the better deal.
Their attitude about gifts is a different story. Have you considered drawing names to offset disappointment or feeling used?
She insists we travel to see
She insists we travel to see both families together so as not to appear there's anything wrong^
That drawing names thing would seem like another slap in the face to her...again I'm not sure if the overreacting is real or just a distraction for all the underlying dysfunction.
Anyway,tonite she threw another fit about it...and it just happens to be the time of the weekend where her kid goes for his weed pickup,and she knows I find it shady how she does things like smoke weed with him behind my back because she knows I disapprove of it. So perhaps the overreaction was to distract from that fact,but it just brought up many of the same issues we've been having...which all boil down to her pathological lying which causes me to distrust. So she keeps criticizing me for 'hating her and her kid'...well if you wouldn't be sneaking around like a couple of farking kids and grow up and be productive maybe I wouldn't be so standoffish.
But of course if I say that directly it'll just add more gas to the fire and backlash,so I paraphrase...but it still gets me a lot of guilt thrown at me^
I still think Thanksgiving is
I still think Thanksgiving is fair and why not go as a family? Have you considered switching up Christmas and Thanksgiving? That way she doesn't do the greedy gift thing at your moms?
The weed thing is strange. Who does that with their kid?!! That's just wrong.
I agree.
I agree.
TG, Your marriage sounds a
TG,
Your marriage sounds a lot like my first marriage. Put on the happy face so the special occasion family audience has no clue that the proverbial Emperor has no clothes. My XW and I used to battle on the drive to XW's GMs house for the holidays. She could not stand to be near me IRL but as soon as we got out of the car at GM's house or any of her family gatherings she would put her arm through mine and put on the everything is awesome face for her family. She would hang on me, kiss me on the cheek, hold my hand, etc, but as soon as we got back in the car for the several hour drive back home it was frigid ice queen/screaming banshee from hell again.
I finally quit playing the games. If we were fighting I would call her on it in front of whoever was present. "Really? You are calling me every name in the book in the car when we pulled in to the driveway but now you want to hold my hand? Sorry, can't do that just yet my dear." She is now on her 3rd husband. I was the first.
I would say that it is time to call the Emperor butt naked and let your DW know that there will be no more of her manipulation to save face. If she wants to save face then she has to resolve the issue before the event or..... }:)
IMHO it is also time to inform your bride that your mom gets next TG either with your DW and SS or without them.
Fortunately I/we do not struggle with this kind of thing in my amazing marriage to my incredible bride. We talk it out and our holidays tend to be pretty good. However, she does go in to a notable guilt driven depression when we are with my family for the holidays rather than hers. Understandably though. We have lived near my family for most of our marriage and very far from hers. So, to spend the holidays with her family takes a long expensive trip that we only make every 5 or so years during the holidays. We visit them frequently during the year but rarely during holidays.
I wish I could say that this not for any specific reason except for maybe the frustration of weather delays that we seem to always catch during holiday travel to her home town.
Unfortunately the rarity of spending holidays with the ILs is also motivated by the unpleasant environment. Most of them are either hoarders with no space for family gatherings or they do not have the resources to host or even participate notably in a family gathering. When we are there for holidays we usually end up reserving a conference room in our hotel and catering in most of the meal. A couple of them will bring a family favorite signature dish but many of them bring nothing but an expectant look for the feast and a gift. Every year they each do a Christmas list that goes to all of the members of the family and then they draw names. We of course are not included in the name draw and the list they each send us has a few choice and very expensive items penciled in at the top of the list and that are not on the list they share with the rest of the clan. A new car, pay off the mortgage, pay off school loans, etc.... I can only handle that on rare occasions without adding to my brides tension over it all. So she feels bad about not being with her family but also will not go more frequently because her family is difficult for her to handle just as they are for me.
I feel your pain TG. I have lived it to toxic levels with my XW and my DW's family causes holiday drama even though they may not realize it. Not to the same extent as my XW but still not a pleasant thing to have to live with during the holidays.
Take care of yourself.
Sincerely,
There are times I feel like
There are times I feel like calling her out too...especially in front of her religious aunt,but then her family takes her side and looks at me strange no matter what so it'd do nothing but blow up in my face.
^^^^ Time to stand up for
^^^^
Time to stand up for yourself! I got sick of spending every holiday with only dh's sons (whom I don't care for) sitting at our holiday table and my daughters over at their father's house (he has extended family here...I don't), so I hopped on a plane this Thanksgiving and spent the week with my extended family I am close to. I had HAD enough. Dh totally understood although he didn't go with me as he recently lost his job and we couldn't afford to spend the money. Anyway, it was THE BEST holiday I've had in years. Do NOT let someone else dictate YOUR happiness! Grab it and go!