I hate hearing that from people as well.

I thought I knew what I was getting into. Everything was fine before we got married. BM didn't know much about me or how serious we were, so I think that's why she left us alone. It wasn't until DH told her we were married that she started her BS with me.

SD was also well behaved when we were dating. My husband actually parented her properly when she needed it. She started needing more discipline as she got older and my husband didn't step up to the plate. BM started PASing her around the time I was pregnant with DD so that caused more problems.

So I really didn't know what I was getting into. I thought I was getting a well-behaved SD whose mom stayed out of my husband's business.

I hate this statement so much. Yes, we all knew that our DHs had kids and BMs. However, a lot of us didn't know exactly what we were dealing with because it wasn't until after we were already vested that the BM or skids started all the crazy that we live with now. In a way we were duped into thinking it was a certain way and then changed down the road. So, we deal with it the best we can. Sometimes we make it and sometimes we don't. People who say that have no idea what they are talking about.

No.

You have to take what's there at face value. You didn't have the exposure to them (and, really you shouldn't) until things had gotten serious. That's the problem. It's not cool to be meeting & hanging out with the kids before things are serious between the adults...but by then you're in love and realize the kids are cretins.

There is no way for us to know what we're getting into until we're there.

So much good insight in this thread I wanted to type "yeah, baby" with upward pointing arrows to every response.

"You knew what you were getting into" - Do people say that to someone unhappy with their job? to exhausted parents of a newborn? to frustrated homeowners? to car buyers who find they have a lemon? to anyone else on earth who is contemplating divorce? There should be no such thing as a legal dissolution of a marriage because, after all, each party "knew what they were getting into!"

Really, what is this special category of non-person created especially for step-parents???!!!!!!!

And by that logic, the men know what they are getting into when they commit to a woman who is not the mother of their children.

i was with my Dh for 10 years before we got married so I really should've known what I was getting into. I knew his kids were snotty little brats but I have for my DH was stronger than the skids attitudes. That's why I'm glad to have found this place. I know how my skids are, I know they'll never change. But I love my husband and we have a good life together, so in order to deal with the brat skids, I come here and vent. However, there are a few times i've wondered "why did I get married?"

I didn't know what I was getting into...I guess I didn't know how bat ass crazy BM was.
I love my skids, I have doubled the amount of housework I have to do, and I guess I knew that...thought DH would have helped more with all that, like we would both take care of the cleaning dishes laundry grocery shopping...but oh well on that part.

I can honestly say, that if I would have known what BM was going to put us through and how much DH was gonna just roll with the punches rather than stand up to her...I would have thought twice, It would be different if he put her in her place...
skids are skids...kids are kids, they all have their wonderful and difficult phases...

The truth is no one who is getting married '

yhatzee I found that article you were talking about. I just read it for the first time.....and I can't even say how amazing it is!!! It is SOOOOOOOOOO True! I am tempted to send it to my parents but I don't feel like getting into a discussion about it right now with them.

Why Nice Women Don't Like Step-Kids
December 29, 2013 at 1:24pm

If you took the plunge and married someone with children from a previous relationship, you might be wondering what you got yourself into and how you’re going to survive. In retrospect, your love conquers all attitude was merely an untested theory until now. You considered yourself a nice person, but your healthy self-image is faltering as you evolve into the evil step-parent Disney movies warn kids exist. Is this normal? Yes! Bookshelves are filled with “how-to” manuals for dealing with step-kids who loathe their step-parents, but these same shelves lack aids on “how-to” like your detestable step-children.

Some people adore children of any race, creed, or background. “Kid people” adjust and cope with step-children much better than the rest of us. The majority of us find step-children perpetually irksome—for good reasons! We aren’t mean people by nature who set out to destroy lives and disrupt the psychological balance of the young and impressionable. We are simply people who love a spouse who carries baggage that thumps us in the head and gut at every opportunity. If you are tired of hearing the diatribe, but you knew he had kids when you married him, from judgmental bystanders who have never been in the step-parenting trenches, dodge the guilt arrows being launched your direction—you are not a bad person.

Blended families have been a challenge since ancient times. Recall the Biblical story of Abraham from Genesis 16-21. When the son God promised Abraham and his wife (Sarah) didn’t arrive when they had hoped, we can’t blame them for taking matters into their own hands. It’s human nature! Abraham made the mistake of sleeping with Sarah’s maid (Hagar) and having a son named Ishmael. Hagar and Ishmael were a constant thorn in Sarah’s flesh. It’s easy to imagine Hagar taunting, I gave Abraham a son and you didn’t. Na, na, na, na, na, na! When, at age ninety, Sarah finally birthed the promised child, Isaac, there wasn’t room enough for all of them! Sarah asked Abraham to send Hagar and Ishmael away, and he did! God provided for both of them. No one chastised Sarah for wanting to be rid of them, and no one worried about the psychological impact the separation would have on Ishmael. No one admonished Sarah about keeping the two half-brothers apart or suggest she encourage a relationship between the two.

If you have step-kids, you could argue that your spouse made the “mistake” of marrying the wrong person instead of waiting for you, just like Abraham. Once the two of you have children together, if you haven’t already, you’ll be able to relate to Sarah’s mindset even more. The mama bear instinct kicks in, and you want your babies to have it all and not have to share anything with another woman’s child.Blended families is weak verbiage to suggest unity among disparate members.Vinegar and oil families would be more appropriate terminology. So, why are step-kids such a bitter pill to swallow?

STEP-KIDS DO NOT SHARE YOUR DNA

No matter how much you love your own children, they can still drive you bananas. However, when they display their quirky side, you recognize traits from your own family and can easily overlook them. The unconditional love you feel for the fruit of your own body covers a multitude of sins. Not so of step-kids. Never will you see them mimic anyone from your family tree. In fact, you probably find yourself zeroing in on all the behaviors that mirror your spouse’s ex, which seem intolerable. Maybe it’s an attitude, a mannerism, a physical attribute, an ailment, an opinion—it doesn’t matter. When you see the ex shining through your step-children, you can’t help but turn a cold shoulder. For example, if you ever dreamed of dressing up a little girl with sparkling shirts, fru-fru bottoms, hair bows, and lacy socks only to find your step-daughter prefers to look like a ragamuffin street urchin with no class like her mother, it’s just another reminder that your DNA will never enter the equation. If you’re the June Cleaver type who loves to cook, but your step-children turn up their noses at your nutritious meals because they are pre-disposed to the fast-food, processed meals, and junk their mother has infused into their systems, it’s an up-hill battle you won’t win. From the start, step-kids will always share the DNA of the person you detest. Even if your spouse’s traits peek through from time to time, those traits will be eclipsed, making it impossible for you to feel connected to them on a crucial, foundational level. Though your spouse might wish for you to become the substitute mother to his children to sock it to his ex, it’s a shoe that will never fit.

STEP-KIDS ARE POISONED AGAINST YOU FROM THE START

Dream on if you think the ex is going to encourage her children to call you mom.You are the enemy, and the ex will paint you as such. Any physical ailment her children contract will be blamed on some contagion she insists you carry. Any rash they develop will be blamed on your cooking or an allergic reaction to something you’ve introduced into the home environment. You will be labeled a stranger their father married, an outsider who destroyed their family, an infidel who must always be opposed. Like the Salem Witch Trials, you will be relentlessly accused of the most imaginative sins. Even reasonable children who might want to give you a chance under ideal circumstances will find it difficult, if not impossible, to betray their mother. They might think she is crazy and blame her for their parents’ break-up, but they will always seek her love and acceptance and will not turn their backs on her to favor you.

STEP-KIDS DRAIN YOUR FINANCIAL RESOURCES

Everyone establishes financial goals for not only stability and security, but also for as many luxuries as the budget will afford, such as vacations, new vehicles, and nice houses. If your step-kids live with their mother, you are probably paying exorbitant child support. Many times, dads get the shaft when it comes to child support. In many states, it doesn’t matter how much income the mother rakes in or how well-to-do she might be, the child support calculation is based on the father’s income. The system rapes the father to pay more in support for his prior children than all the children from your union with him combined. It doesn’t cost hundreds upon hundreds of dollars to raise each child per month, yet many fathers are required to fork it over to the ex while your own children are treated like chopped liver. The old cliché aptly states, love flies out the window when there ain’t no money!” It’s very easy to resent the financial burden step-kids represent, especially if you have to gain employment to stay afloat.

Step-kids spend way too much time at the doctor’s office. As the non-custodial parent who must provide insurance, dads often pay the whopping premiums plus the larger portion of the co-payments. Knowing this, ex-wives rush their children to the doctor’s office for every sniffle to add insult to injury. If your step-kids are on long-term medications, you pay even more.

Some step-kids also try to guilt their fathers into paying for extra-curricular activities, fun outings, clothing, school trips, college, and the like. If your husband has succumbed to their manipulative tricks, then you might feel you are spiraling down the financial crapper with little hope of getting ahead and accomplishing your own financial goals.

YOU ARE NEVER RID OF THE CRAZY EX

Talk to anyone with an ex-wife in their life and you’ll often hear the ex referred to as “psycho,” “crazy,” or “nuts.” How could your wonderful husband have gotten ensnared by someone so problematic when he was capable of picking someone much better—like you, for instance. Unfortunately, all of us women know how easily men can be led astray by ardor and how incapable they are of assessing another woman’s character with the acuity we possess. Sadly, it’s a mistake that will cost him plenty for years to come. Though you may try to distance yourself from the ex, she’s always lurking in the background. The nasty notes she sends with the children, the sneer on her face at school functions and other life events, the perpetual plots she hatches to sabotage your husband’s plans with the kids, and the verbal attacks she unleashes against you and your husband to poison the kids’ minds. Unless you have a genuinely cordial ex to deal with, keep your interaction with her at an absolute minimum to reduce the stress in your already tense home.

STEP-KIDS ARE NOT LOYAL

When you have your own children, you will understand the bond that exists between a woman and her child. There is an unspoken pact that is formed while they are yet in the womb and culminates in a cemented relationship that will stand the tests of time. Even when you and your children don’t always agree, they rarely consider jumping ship. Your children will be loyal to you and never stab you in the back like a step-child will. To avoid the hot seat of confrontation, step-kids find creative ways to point the finger elsewhere. For example, your step-kids might thoroughly enjoy the movies, music, and books offered in your home, yet if they find their mother disapproves of your selections, the kids will act like you held them at gunpoint and forced them to engage in those activities. Step-kids will tell dad one thing and mom another to focus the battle between the two adults while they sneak away quietly. No matter how sincerely a step-child might seem to be in your corner, when push comes to shove, they will tell their mother what she wants to hear and paint you as the bad guy. She has programmed them to be loyal to her, and it goes against their nature to buck the system she has created

THERE IS NO PRIVACY

Home is where you should feel the safest to let down your guard. When you have step-kids in the house, your security is breached. Every word you speak and every move you make will be reported to their mother. With the instantaneous exchange of information modern technology makes possible, the ex can know what you’ve said before the last word slips from your tongue. One step-mom shared with me that when her step-daughter was in the next room vomiting from the flu, the girl’s mother texted her to take a drink in to her daughter. Really? Any papers, bank statements, bills, or letters left on the desk are open game for intel gathering by your step-children. Any conversation you have with your spouse about work matters, family business, or future plans will be relayed at the first opportunity. The information the ex gathers can and will be help against you and will give her the edge she needs to plot her next wicked move on your life.

STEP KIDS STEAL THE FOCUS

Step-kids are always painted as the victims of divorce, and they use this to their advantage. Guilty parents overcompensate by planning multiple day trips and vacations or buying them all the clothes, toys, or games their hearts desire. Fathers may even neglect their children with you to prevent them from feeling replaced. Grandparents who are saddened by these circumstances overlook your kids to cater to their first set of grandkids. If your step-children receive counseling, everyone is roped into handling them with kid gloves to avoid additional damage. No one worries how the stress of step-kids affects you, your spouse, and your children—the focus is always on how this, that, or the other will affect the step-kids. Vacations, holidays, and other celebrations alone with your family? Fat chance! Step-kids will be eager to hog the spotlight on those special occasions as well and capitalize on the opportunity to receive a handout.

All of us experience the school of hard knocks at some point in our lives. Maybe you were once the victim of a verbally abusive parent, a school bully, or a mean boss. Maybe you suffered the loss of a loved one, a serious illness of your own, or the betrayal of a friend. No one makes it through life unscathed. You aren’t responsible for the happiness and emotional well-being of your step-kids. If they suffer as a result of the dysfunction they experienced growing up, then they have earned their stripes and can join the ranks of the rest of us who have had to learn to cope and survive life too.

STEP-KIDS SHOW DISRESPECT

While in your home, step-kids often show disregard for your house rules because you are not their mom and they don’t have to listen to you. Ever heard that one? One step-mom related the story of how her husband’s children refer to him as “Pops,” “Father,” or by his first name, all with the smack of disrespect. Why do men allow this in their homes? The answer is simple. Men do not feel comfortable with emotional drama. They would rather pretend there is no problem than have to deal with the issues. Husbands want to please their new wives without compromising the relationship with the children from their first marriage. It’s a delicate balance that is difficult to maintain and usually results in a husband’s passivity. If your step-kids live with their mother, chances are, they will always view you and your husband through the same glasses—and these are NOT the rose-colored variety!

STEP-KIDS INTERRUPT THE FLOW IN YOUR HOME

Most people thrive with routine, especially your own children. Step-children are monkey wrenches that disrupt the peace and tranquility of your family’s routine. There’s no place for them at the dinner table, no room for them in the car, and no convenient place for them to sleep without inconveniencing others. They have different interests, follow their mother’s set of rules, and take over the time and attention you and your own kids deserve with your spouse. They are square pegs trying to fit in a round hole, and it makes everyone uncomfortable. Why continue the charade?

END THE MESS AND THE STRESS

If you haven’t already entwined yourself in the drama of step-parenting, think twice before dating a man with children. At the very least, set very clear boundaries ahead of time in anticipation of conflict. Remember, you can’t grin and bear it forever. Eventually, you will explode from the built up resentment. One marriage was already destroyed. Don’t let step-kids be the cause of another one. Sarah solved the problem by sending the ex and her offspring packing, and she and Abraham lived happily ever after with their child of promise. You can do the same. If you aren’t lucky enough to have step-children living out-of-state to reduce the interference of visitation time, then insist your husband conduct his visits outside of your home and communicate in other ways that don’t involve your family. Your home is your castle, and it’s the peaceful place you, your husband, and YOUR children need to thrive. You don’t need the stress in your home that his past baggage creates. Yes, you knew he had kids before you married him, but it doesn’t have to be a marital death sentence. Some people get along better and inflict less damage when they leave each other alone. Turn step-kids over to their mother and minimize or eliminate contact. Say good-bye to the stress, head back to your happy nest, and know you are still a nice person!

http://jilldeibel.hubpages.com/hub/Why-Nice-Women-Dont-Like-Step-Kids

I completely hate that phrase. No one knows what they are getting into before they do it, but on the other hand it is very naïve to think there will be no issues having man move in with you and he has 4 kids with 2 BMs...that is unrealistic.

But then again this is the 39 year old me saying this. The 23 year old me may have thought differently. With age comes wisdom and foresight.

I couldn't agree more that article hits the nail on the head!!

I think it's completely wrong when someone says, "You knew what you were getting into" because most of the time, you don't

Most of the time the real "them" doesn't come out (I call it the "wrapper coming off") until AFTER you've tied the knot.

I have no children of my own and think I do a pretty awesome job as a stepmom. A lot of times it means putting up with a lot of crap. I get along with his ex, her husband, and the rest of the family very well and I treat the skids like gold. When DH and I have the kids though, there is absolutely NO discipline. They leave messes all over the house, all over the car, and actually take pride in making a mess. I can ask DH nicely before the skids get here to PLEASE ask them to pick up after themselves, etc., but his reply is always, "We'll try not to but ya know it's going to happen...

Excuses such as this run amok when they're here. "I'll try not to make a mess; I didn't mean to break it; etc." I've asked them to please be careful with the furniture, don't stand on the rungs of the chairs (so that they don't break off..); don't leave their sweaty beverages on the antique furniture, etc.

I've asked them nicely to please pick up the jackets they throw on the floor and kick underneath the table; to pick up their dirty socks and throw them in the laundry (and not on the kitchen floor); to please not throw their wet bath towels on their beds, etc. I've put garbage bags in the backseat of the car so that they can throw their garbage in them instead of all over the floor in the backseat (to the point that rather than picking up their garbage and throwing it in the bag, they'd rather climb over the piles of garbage that continues to accumulate in the backseat than to even think about throwing it in the bag provided. I've found garbage stuffed in between the seats, etc.

At one point when I mentioned about the pigsty the house and car got in a matter of hours, the reply I got was, "I like to make a mess."

No s***!!

Disney Daddy does nothing. His feeling is that they're kids; only here for a short time; and we shouldn't make them work when they're here on "vacation".

Since when is picking up after oneself "work"??

I have to keep my mouth shut since Disney Daddy told me that the kids don't need a mom..but a friend, as they already have a mom. Okay..I'll be their BEST friend while getting nothing but disrespect after all the cleaning I do beforehand.

This didn't happen BEFORE we tied the knot. Disney Daddy and the kids would actually send me flowers and THANK me for all the things I did for them. NOW I either become the maid and pick up constantly..or disengage, which I've learned to do extremely well.

I no longer do laundry as I was doing it daily..PILES of it and washing clothes that weren't even dirty because they were too lazy to pick them up off their floor.

The last time we had the skids, my SS15 didn't pack enough underwear and threw his jeans all over his floor. My hubby and I had discussed it previously that I was no longer doing laundry because again..it was piles daily. I was hauling three loads up and down our basement steps and nobody but nobody blinked an eye. Piles of towels because they couldn't use the same towel more than once; often using two towels per shower..and not only was it getting just plain ridiculous; I was getting damned sick of it.

So my hubby decided that maybe the best thing to do was to take it to the Laundromat.

Perfect.

Not this last time though. As my hubby sat on his stupid computer, the laundry piled up. I refused to do it as again, it was ridiculous how much work it was becoming for me EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I mean, I don't mind doing a load of laundry that is acceptable, but again, when it came down to washing clothes that weren't even dirty??

NO.

My stepson was running out of clothes so I agreed to do a few loads..ONCE. I told everyone that I'd be doing a load that afternoon and if they needed anything washed, to throw it in the laundry. DH told the skids to make sure they had everything in the wash; yet the next morning my SS came to me and said, "Where are my clean jeans?? Dad..I don't have any clean jeans.." Reason being that he hadn't taken ANY of his dirty laundry and thrown it in the wash and it was still all over his bedroom floor. He'd just expected me to go in and pick them up off his floor MYSELF.

Whatever. DH comes to me and asks if I can please do another load of jeans for him. FINE.

I got no thanks a lot honey. Guess it was just again, my job. My job to do the dishes they left all over the house; my job to pick up all the half empty soda cans laying all over the house, etc. My job, my job, my job.

I finally disengaged and found my daily evening peace up in our bedroom, watching my shows and reading a good book, because I could no longer stand the mess that my clean house was becoming.

And that's how it is around our house when we have the skids. There IS some enjoyment to the visit though as I love spending time with our family. Plenty of laughs and some of the best moments are spending time with my SD12 and our girl time.

As the story of my life as a stepmom continues, I have no right to discipline the kids. This has been explained to me on no uncertain terms often by DH telling me again, "They already have a mom and it's sooo great that you can be the kids friend..they soo love you." Great to hear, but do they respect me?? I doubt that. I'm just this nice person called a stepmom that's married to their dad. No rights regarding decisions where the kids are concerned, he makes them himself..with BM and her hubby. I'm just a sidekick and no matter how much my hubby had promised me before we tied the knot that I should be able to discipline the skids..that they were now my stepkids too; all fell along the wayside once we were married.

The decisions regarding their healthcare, school attendance, etc., I have no say. It seems to all be between DH, his ex, and her hubby as "Big Mike"..(that's what I've started to call him as he knows EVERYTHING). What the hell do I know..I have no kids of my own.

The subject came up last year of SD12 wanting to homeschool. His ex didn't want to do it, so all of a sudden they all looked to me. Before they'd even asked me, it sounded like the decision had already been made that I was going to be the one to homeschool her. I thought not!! THEIR idea was that she would come stay with me for a month this last Summer to see how we'd get along, but I didn't even let it go THAT far.

First of all, without any discipline, the whole thing would fall flat and I told my hubby that. Being that he works out of state, there would be nobody here but her and I. I've already had run ins with her and TRYING to discipline her with bad results. Well he wasn't going to take not for an answer at first and got angry with me telling me that I took no interest in helping out the family, that it would just be for a month this summer to see if her and I would get along, and again I told him no. She's one that can't stay focused (and would much rather spend time on her cell phone watching videos on youtube and laying on the couch);

In addition, with her here with me without my hubby, there WERE going to be rules. First of all she's afraid to stay in her own room by herself and would want to bunk in with me. This she gets away with everytime we have the skids and is constantly knocking on our bedroom door in the middle of the night.."Daddy..can you come sit with me for a bit..I can't sleep." Then there is a second time around..and often a third after my hubby comes back to bed.

Manipulation at it's finest.

My feeling is that she's almost 13 years old and should learn to sleep in her own bedroom by herself and I'm right down the hall. One of the rules was that she sleeps in her own room.

Well THAT didn't fly well as she gets away with this "sleeping with someone because she's afraid" not only at home (where they'll often allow her to sleep on the couch..); along with at Grandma's where she sleeps in bed with her also.

Nope..not on my watch as I believe she needs to overcome some of these fears. I also told my hubby that if I DID decide to homeschool her, he'd give me the right to discipline her. I've done it before with bad results. She's told me, "I don't appreciate you raising your voice with me", when I didn't raise my voice at all. I was just firm with her. She went RIGHT to Daddy, turning on the tears...and what did Daddy do?? He made a joke of it and gave her a $20 bill to take shopping with me.

That idea finally fell flat when I got the chance to spend time with her this last Summer. We talked about homeschooling and I told her how hard it would be; and how much better she'd feel in school with all her friends; making new friends, etc. She knew I was right, but then said that her mom told her that my SD and I wouldn't get along anyways because I wasn't used to having kids around.

Yeah. Sure. Nothing to do with the idea that I want my stepkids to be raised the right way. I'll never tell anyone how to parent, but if I'm going to have a 12 year old living with me for ANY length of time..damn straight I'm going to discipline her.

The bottom line is that she looked forward to going to school this year, but all of a sudden the allergies that she'd gone to a specialist to get rid of ($2500 later); system cleanse, getting her on supplements rather than all the drugs she was on, the side effects from them, the therapy was working and all her break out were disappearing.

All of a sudden she's developed this sudden fear of school (unless there's volleyball involved); and she's been breaking out again. Further testing proved that it was nerves that were causing her breakouts so they put her on a supplement for that.

In the meantime, she's missed countless days of school this year due to nervous breakouts. I don't think she's gone to school a full week since the beginner of the semester...Mommy Dearest calls her in all the time...BUT when it comes to volleyball..those are the days she goes.

DH is frustrated and fears she's missing too much school and they won't pass her. I keep my mouth shut as I've told him, "If I could talk to her..maybe she'd want to go to school more.." Previously I've had discussions with her regarding her breakouts and helped her in handling them. I've told her she's beautiful and she should believe in herself, create her own style (I've bought her lots of neat clothes that make her feel wonderful about herself..); and that she should be "that one girl that always broke out..but she was always soo cool about it".

I told her that later on, kids would learn to respect her and she would become, "Cool Brandi".

Yet BM lets her chicken out and lay on the couch all day just because she's broken out.

Soo sad because she's missing a whole bunch of 6th grade. I honestly don't know how she keeps up when she goes back to school, much less kids judging her for much worse than her allergies, thinking, "Yeah, she's never in school.."

They almost flunked her last year, but "Big Mike" went in and rose a big enough stink that they passed her.

This won't happen year after year, but what the heck do I know?? Dealing with a Disney Daddy that makes excuses for the fact that it's no longer allergies, but probably growing pains, nerves, etc. But he thinks he's got a handle on it so I'm just going to stand back and watch.

His 15 year old son has emotional problems also. Probably from lack of discipline, along with the fact that his sister has always gotten all Daddy's attention due to the fact that she's his little girl; he feels sorry for her due to her allergies and other health issues; and SS15 has eventually just crawled in his own little world.

Since there's not a thing I can do about it no matter what I try to explain to hubby..I honestly believe the bottom line is that he feels, "You don't have any kids..what the heck do YOU know about raising them??"

He just refuses to share that parental power with me, even though I'm his wife, the kids stepmom that loves them to pieces, etc.

So I'll just stand by and watch. And again disengage little by little.

So many of us TRY so hard to coparent in the best ways we know how. So glad I stumbled on this website as I'm glad I'm not alone.

Sorry this got so lengthy..and thanks for reading.