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Will our spouses ever get it?

georgina29's picture

Submitted by georgina29 on Tue, 04/10/2018 - 10:38am

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For me being a step parent isn't that enjoyable. Sure there are fun times and I care about my step kids but most of the time they are rude, entitled and disrespectful and because their parents divorced it has given them a free pass ot act this way. Also having your spouses ex be present in your spouses life and also be invasive at times isnt a positive in any relationship. Why dont our spouses get this?

tankh21's picture

Submitted by tankh21 on Tue, 04/10/2018 - 11:00am

Because they think what they do is normal and I get the excuse well you don't have kid's so you don't understand or they use that COD's need extra attention. I was a COD and I didn't get away with the crap my skids do. I don't think they will ever get it. With my situation I do not have any kids so my DH doesn't get to experience dealing with skids or a high conflict ex. I do tell him all the time though.

fairyo's picture

Submitted by fairyo on Tue, 04/10/2018 - 11:16am

I think mine got it- he disengaged from me after I disengaged from the skids- now I've disengaged from him and left him to the lions. Hope he's having fun.

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Sat, 04/14/2018 - 9:01pm

I think my DH will never really get it because he thinks his kids are perfect little cherubs who deserve special treatment. It bothers him that I don’t feel the same way about them.

He also thinks I’m being mean when I expect things any parent would expect from a child, like picking up candy wrappers.

This week, he got all upset with me because I reminded him that he said he would pick up the candy wrappers and packaging from Easter - yes, Easter - that SKids left out. I told him that if he didn’t want to tell his kids to pick up after themselves, then he better be stepping in to pick-up after them. 

Last night after Skids arrived, he totally snapped at me about something dumb (and not worthy of snapping at me about) because he thought I was interrupting his time with his kids. So, today, I took myself out for a day in the city alone. This will also make DH upset because he’ll think I’m avoiding his children. 

He wants me to feel like a parent to them, but I’ll never feel like a parent, if I’m not allowed to actually parent them.

DH and I have gotten into some major fights because I think he still has issues from his divorce - namely guilt - that impact our marriage. He claims that he has no issues, so counseling will be of little use to us.

I am starting to lose my belief that DH and I will be together forever. Sometimes, it really feels like the clock is ticking for us.

fairyo's picture

Submitted by fairyo on Sat, 04/14/2018 - 7:09pm

You can never be right in this situation- if you disengage he'll resent you for not loving his kids like he does-if you stay engaged he'll acccuse you of being distant and off-hand with his kids. It took me a long time to realise that I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. Who wants to live like that? I got out- now I'm wondering what took me so long. I wasn't even a person to him or his kids....

georgina29's picture

Submitted by georgina29 on Sat, 04/14/2018 - 7:15pm

My husband and I were supposed to go to counseling as well. We actually made an appointment and everything. However a few days before I got notice that I had a work meeting to attend that day. I still could’ve made it to the session but after a week of being around and his kids I’ve come to the conclusion counseling would be a waste of time and money. He doesn’t think there are any issues regarding his behavior towards me, his parenting or his kids. He just doesn’t get it. His kids are disrespectful and don’t listen. It’s not something to be proud of. I cancelled the appointment for that reason plus I don’t want to be put on the spot at the end to pay for it which is likely to happen.

fairyo's picture

Submitted by fairyo on Sun, 04/15/2018 - 2:20am

It did nothing for us either- but maybe it was needed for me to feel that I had done everything I could. The only things Ostrich could see were my shortcoings and my failure to get on with his kids-for him it was all about me-he had no insight into his own defects and certainly couldn't take off the blinkers to see his kids as adults. They never get it, do they? For me it wasn't really a waste of time and money because it helped me to speak out and forced me to listen to his empty words. It was difficult but I had to do it  to be able to make the break. I hope you find some happiness for yourself in all this. It sounds like you are really trying to. Take care.