Why is that women, smoms, bm, always caught in the fire? Why are we always the ones who must defend ourselves against in-laws, ex's, exgfs, skids? Why is it that men aren't in this position?
I;ve never ever had my husband worry about any ex, exbf, in-law etc. It's always me concerned. We seem to spare them the pain. In the end women end up on the receieving end of so much bs.
I think because most of society is still in the mind frame that raising the children is the responsibility of women. So anything that come up less that perfect is blamed on us, bio mom, step mom, dil... Where as men, they seem to get a pass.
If my skids are dirty/misbehaving/doing poorly in school, people don't think "man their dad is really slacking off".... They think " PaS is being lazy, and needs to do better, how could she let them look like that/act like that/get away with that".
It seems like by simply being present men have fufilled their duty as parents, and everything else is looked to as the woman's responsibility. So when men don't like the situation they can just ignore it, no harm no foul. But a woman has a ton of pressure to fix the situation, or she's looked apon negatively.
I do not think that is always true at all. My husband would definitely say he has been caught up in the bullsh1t of his ex wife and his entitled adult children...at least. His family also annoys him to no end. He happens, however, to live many many miles away from all of his siblings. Less drama for him. They hardly ever see each other.
I do know one reason is sucks for women is women tend to dismiss women as being "catty." Such degradation. Men do not need to worry about doing it, since women do it for them. It is more dismissive of women's issues than my husband does about his stupid children.
He has never been caught up in drama with my family. My family is welcoming to anyone. We are pretty open minded. We tend to deal with bad things by laughing and moving on. We are very focused on "having fun." Makes it easy. I have to ensure nothing with my family.
I have one friend who I did have to smackdown concerning my husband though. She was trying to ruin things. She is also in her fifties. She really did a number and almost destroyed things for us...we were engaged at the time. She knew it when I told her to STFU. She knew we were no longer friends. Since such time, we have communicated, but things are very different. She will not be around if my husband is uncomfortable.
I believe my husband's siblings, him included, were raised as spoiled as well. They simply are not like my family. They are not into family unless they feel the need to advise him. He is the "baby" of the family. It does not drive me too crazy since they live so far away. They are nice to my face, so whatever. His nephew, brother and brother's wife - I have met. They are very kind.
He has more issues with his own siblings and his own children. When we were dating, he was "whining" about his parents. Okay, ummmm....he is in his fifties. WTH. I jumped all over that one. Oh yes, rough life. Dad moved around for work. Lived on golf courses at the beach. Dad kicked him out at 16. Poor you. How about this? He would not go to school! Was doing "bad things" (although he still thinks it was not that bad), etc. So for ONCE his parents did something. So he got his diploma on his own, paid for college through his masters. Then decided it brilliant to make life "easy" for his own. And so it goes...
So, he has issues, just not with my family. He has more issues with his own. Oh and his father is passed. His mother is ill and in a home. So that helps too I suppose...in a morbid kind of way.
He also had to do it - but with his own sister. She apparently did not like that we were getting married. She said she had always thought he and his ex wife would get back together.
Ummm...they were married thirty years. I am pretty sure that when people stay together "for the kids" and it has been 30 years, they are not going to reunite. She got her cash and was off.
Anyway, I never knew about it. I have never met this sister. Most likely I never will. DH did not like her statement one bit. He let her know. So - still he has issues, just not mine...and I was never caught up in it. Never knew until it was done.
He had to tell his youngest daughter that she is NEVER to talk poorly of me to him. He had to tell his oldest daughter to never extend an invitation to him that excluded me. His son - ugh...more there.
Regardless, he did have a learning curve, still does at times, but he has had to deal with things. I simply cannot dismiss women's issues (which can be quite specific to women) as women being catty. That would be something my husband would say if we were fighing. It would piss me off beyond belief and hellfire would be raining in our house. I find it troubling that women fall into this trap as well. If women cannot support other women when troubled, what in the world?!
It just gets under my skin beyond belief. One of those things. It upsets me because I think women have issues that are unique to women, just as any other "group" of people...yet women are so hard on each other. We already get dismissed so much, I can hardly take it when we dismiss each other.
I am one to laugh and minimize things too...I know that. For some reason, the catty thing drives me up a wall. It makes me want to BE catty! Just like if my husband tells me I am over-reacting. OVER-REACTING! Well I WILL SHOW YOU OVER REACTING. Can't help it. When he does that, I find it so immature. I see it as avoiding the issue. All he gets then is an equally immature reaction from me.
I agree that women defend men a lot...and the catty thing (and other people who say it, not you in particular)...just proves it
There is a book, written by a man, that speaks to this very thing. It seems to be a role we have or have had, defending men no matter what...generally speaking.
I have thought about my sensitivity to that type of remark before, but have never relieved the sensitivity. I think I gave up trying!
It could stem from something as simple as my job. For all of my professional career until the last three years, I worked with almost all men. The only women that I worked "with" were in "secretarial" positions. Believe me!!!! Men sure as hell can be "catty"!!!!! Oh do I have stories...although I am not so sure the stereotype there is entirely fair. I was working with nerdy weirdos...probably more sensitive than other men by nature.
I get that. We react emotionally very quickly. VIcously attacking anything that threatens our territory. (Mama Bear stuff) It's so hard to hold it back. But, it's empowering when you manage to do it.
Yes. I think it is a natural thing at times. So I wonder, why not appreciate it rather than knock it I suppose. And I guess I also wonder also, because I, for some time, felt timid...unemotional...hated it. Now, I am happy I can be reactive sometimes? There are characteristics of men, of women which differ...thankfully. Unfortunately, women have been traditionally dismissed for their characteristics. Do we pick on men too? Sure. I am more confident with age. I do feel a level of intimacy with my husband now, but really...he is much older than me. I used to feel very awkward with men when it came to intimacy as related to daily life things, talking about things that go on and how I feel. Hell, I could not ever do it in therapy! I tried to go once when I was 18 (stupid reason, stupid friend...I got over it on my own). The woman asked me about my "history." I didn't exactly knwo what she meant. I told her my life from the time I could remember. I looked at her when I was done and she was sobbing. ??? She said I talked about this stuff like it was the weather. Seemed rather upset with me. Okey dokey. I never went back to her!
I considered myself "emotionally immature" when I was in my twenties. I could not comprehend the idea of marriage. I could not understand dedicating my life to someone...or however I saw it then. I remember thinking that a guy who proposed to me when we were 19 and in college was NUTSO. WTF was he thinking?!?! I was not even sure I could maintain a long term relationship, happily, until I was nearly thirty. I did not understand saying, "I love you" to someone romantically and what that meant.
Sometimes I think I am delayed, but mostly...I accept it Not sure anyone else does, but oh well. I am self aware as much as I can handle.
Disclaimer: I am all for washing hands and sanitation...but...
I worked however with a group of dudes who went way beyond.
They kept a list of men who did not wash their hands in the bathroom, and other bathroom activities. They disclosed the list and activities to me. I asked them to please never include me in that information AGAIN! What difference did it make to me? Now, I was plagued with anyone shaking my hand who might be on the list. Ugh. I already wash my hands. So did not have a need to know.
I recall informing someone to please remove his huge bottle of lotion from center focus of his desk as he was getting ready to interview a potential employee. These guys kept hand sanitizer in their back pockets. When they had to shake someone's hand, they did not even wait until the person was not looking before pulling out their sanitizer. Embarrassing. And as we all know, and of course they knew, hand sanitizer dries out your skin. Hence, the bottle of lotion...sitting there like a freaking idol or something. Come on. At least keep it in the drawer? Something freaked me out about the lotion idol on the desk at all times. I don't know if it was the Silence of the Lambs or what...regardless...geesh. I have no problem with lotion but they over dramatized the whole thing.
One day, I was going into work. We had to use a card reader, then you had to pull the door out...so there was no way to "elbow" into the office. Two of them were standing on the outside of hte door. They had just left the office to use the bathroom. Go figure. So they stand there. I badge in, open door. They almost run into the office and thank me dramatically. They did not want to touch the door. Okay, maybe I don't either but WTF were they doing? What if nobody used that door the rest of the day?
Another time I was in a functional group meeting. Our supervisor asked how things were going. We had recently moved to a new building. One guy spoke up, "Can we please get a$$ gaskets in the bathroom?" I did not even know those things were called a$$ gaskets until then. I was the only female in the meeting. It was embarrassing. I believe I said, "Would you like a magazine rack also?" Awful. I mean really, can't you just build a nest? Is this really the issues within the company?
And of course the famous sexual harrassment training, same place. We had to have a new policy, so that meant training. I am the ONLY female other than the HR lady giving the training. She referred to a personal scenario, she is a woman, and it was a man doing the harrassing...an example. One guy was very hurt by this. He was seriously the weirdest of the weird...funny odd little man. Not what I would call attractive, and we are professionals. I had hardly ever spoken to him. What does he ask? "What happens if I am harrassed? I mean, that happens you know...women harrassing men." I don't disagree, but picture this...I WAS THE ONLY FEMALE THERE!!!! I was again embarrassed. People were snickering, my face was turning red. Seriously, I just wanted to say, "Hey trust me. I am not going to harrass you, okay?"
Seriously makes me miss my fifteen years in automotive management. Sales staff of two thousand plus, training them in the guest experience and cultural correctness. Fun stuff.
I had issues with the inlaws when married. My mil said I was horrible to sd. She thought I was abusive. THEN I had my own kids...guess what? I didn't treat them any differently. If they didn't do what I said, they got in trouble. I didn't candy coat anything. I wasn't one of those "sweet talkin lovey, dovey" kinda moms. And guess what? I got all kinds of compliments on my kids from mil and still do. SD is grown and a mess, and her cousin (same age) who was raised similarly (exh and my exsil did not discipline), also has issues.
I'm one of those that doesn't really care about what people think. So I don't get involved in the drama or cattiness that often comes with our situations. I don't even associate with people who do. Anyone that's not on MY side, is on the OUTside.
Yah, they're dogs. I;ve
Yah, they're dogs.
I;ve never ever had my husband worry about any ex, exbf, in-law etc. It's always me concerned. We seem to spare them the pain. In the end women end up on the receieving end of so much bs.
I think because most of
I think because most of society is still in the mind frame that raising the children is the responsibility of women. So anything that come up less that perfect is blamed on us, bio mom, step mom, dil... Where as men, they seem to get a pass.
If my skids are dirty/misbehaving/doing poorly in school, people don't think "man their dad is really slacking off".... They think " PaS is being lazy, and needs to do better, how could she let them look like that/act like that/get away with that".
It seems like by simply being present men have fufilled their duty as parents, and everything else is looked to as the woman's responsibility. So when men don't like the situation they can just ignore it, no harm no foul. But a woman has a ton of pressure to fix the situation, or she's looked apon negatively.
^^^^YES!!!^^^^
^^^^YES!!!^^^^
I do not think that is always
I do not think that is always true at all. My husband would definitely say he has been caught up in the bullsh1t of his ex wife and his entitled adult children...at least. His family also annoys him to no end. He happens, however, to live many many miles away from all of his siblings. Less drama for him. They hardly ever see each other.
I do know one reason is sucks for women is women tend to dismiss women as being "catty." Such degradation. Men do not need to worry about doing it, since women do it for them. It is more dismissive of women's issues than my husband does about his stupid children.
Does he get caught in drama
Does he get caught in drama with your family, ex, etc??? Or do you ensure that they all treat him with respect?
He has never been caught up
He has never been caught up in drama with my family. My family is welcoming to anyone. We are pretty open minded. We tend to deal with bad things by laughing and moving on. We are very focused on "having fun." Makes it easy. I have to ensure nothing with my family.
I have one friend who I did have to smackdown concerning my husband though. She was trying to ruin things. She is also in her fifties. She really did a number and almost destroyed things for us...we were engaged at the time. She knew it when I told her to STFU. She knew we were no longer friends. Since such time, we have communicated, but things are very different. She will not be around if my husband is uncomfortable.
I believe my husband's siblings, him included, were raised as spoiled as well. They simply are not like my family. They are not into family unless they feel the need to advise him. He is the "baby" of the family. It does not drive me too crazy since they live so far away. They are nice to my face, so whatever. His nephew, brother and brother's wife - I have met. They are very kind.
He has more issues with his own siblings and his own children. When we were dating, he was "whining" about his parents. Okay, ummmm....he is in his fifties. WTH. I jumped all over that one. Oh yes, rough life. Dad moved around for work. Lived on golf courses at the beach. Dad kicked him out at 16. Poor you. How about this? He would not go to school! Was doing "bad things" (although he still thinks it was not that bad), etc. So for ONCE his parents did something. So he got his diploma on his own, paid for college through his masters. Then decided it brilliant to make life "easy" for his own. And so it goes...
So, he has issues, just not with my family. He has more issues with his own. Oh and his father is passed. His mother is ill and in a home. So that helps too I suppose...in a morbid kind of way.
So, you went for the throat
So, you went for the throat and shut her up and defended his honor and were done with it. Bravo. You preserved the sanctity of your relationship.
He also had to do it - but
He also had to do it - but with his own sister. She apparently did not like that we were getting married. She said she had always thought he and his ex wife would get back together.
Ummm...they were married thirty years. I am pretty sure that when people stay together "for the kids" and it has been 30 years, they are not going to reunite. She got her cash and was off.
Anyway, I never knew about it. I have never met this sister. Most likely I never will. DH did not like her statement one bit. He let her know. So - still he has issues, just not mine...and I was never caught up in it. Never knew until it was done.
He had to tell his youngest daughter that she is NEVER to talk poorly of me to him. He had to tell his oldest daughter to never extend an invitation to him that excluded me. His son - ugh...more there.
Regardless, he did have a learning curve, still does at times, but he has had to deal with things. I simply cannot dismiss women's issues (which can be quite specific to women) as women being catty. That would be something my husband would say if we were fighing. It would piss me off beyond belief and hellfire would be raining in our house. I find it troubling that women fall into this trap as well. If women cannot support other women when troubled, what in the world?!
Ok.
Ok.
My opinions are a compilation
My opinions are a compilation of my experiences. Sometimes you must agree to disagree.
It just gets under my skin
It just gets under my skin beyond belief. One of those things. It upsets me because I think women have issues that are unique to women, just as any other "group" of people...yet women are so hard on each other. We already get dismissed so much, I can hardly take it when we dismiss each other.
I am one to laugh and minimize things too...I know that. For some reason, the catty thing drives me up a wall. It makes me want to BE catty! Just like if my husband tells me I am over-reacting. OVER-REACTING! Well I WILL SHOW YOU OVER REACTING. Can't help it. When he does that, I find it so immature. I see it as avoiding the issue. All he gets then is an equally immature reaction from me.
I agree that women defend men a lot...and the catty thing (and other people who say it, not you in particular)...just proves it
There is a book, written by a man, that speaks to this very thing. It seems to be a role we have or have had, defending men no matter what...generally speaking.
I have thought about my sensitivity to that type of remark before, but have never relieved the sensitivity. I think I gave up trying!
It could stem from something as simple as my job. For all of my professional career until the last three years, I worked with almost all men. The only women that I worked "with" were in "secretarial" positions. Believe me!!!! Men sure as hell can be "catty"!!!!! Oh do I have stories...although I am not so sure the stereotype there is entirely fair. I was working with nerdy weirdos...probably more sensitive than other men by nature.
I get that. We react
I get that. We react emotionally very quickly. VIcously attacking anything that threatens our territory. (Mama Bear stuff) It's so hard to hold it back. But, it's empowering when you manage to do it.
Yes. I think it is a natural
Yes. I think it is a natural thing at times. So I wonder, why not appreciate it rather than knock it I suppose. And I guess I also wonder also, because I, for some time, felt timid...unemotional...hated it. Now, I am happy I can be reactive sometimes? There are characteristics of men, of women which differ...thankfully. Unfortunately, women have been traditionally dismissed for their characteristics. Do we pick on men too? Sure. I am more confident with age. I do feel a level of intimacy with my husband now, but really...he is much older than me. I used to feel very awkward with men when it came to intimacy as related to daily life things, talking about things that go on and how I feel. Hell, I could not ever do it in therapy! I tried to go once when I was 18 (stupid reason, stupid friend...I got over it on my own). The woman asked me about my "history." I didn't exactly knwo what she meant. I told her my life from the time I could remember. I looked at her when I was done and she was sobbing. ??? She said I talked about this stuff like it was the weather. Seemed rather upset with me. Okey dokey. I never went back to her!
I considered myself "emotionally immature" when I was in my twenties. I could not comprehend the idea of marriage. I could not understand dedicating my life to someone...or however I saw it then. I remember thinking that a guy who proposed to me when we were 19 and in college was NUTSO. WTF was he thinking?!?! I was not even sure I could maintain a long term relationship, happily, until I was nearly thirty. I did not understand saying, "I love you" to someone romantically and what that meant.
Sometimes I think I am delayed, but mostly...I accept it
Not sure anyone else does, but oh well. I am self aware as much as I can handle.
Don't call it delayed. Call
Don't call it delayed. Call it young at heart :O Besides it's better to be careful with no regrets, than to be hasty and full of remorse.
God, I would love to watch
God, I would love to watch that action.
Disclaimer: I am all for
Disclaimer: I am all for washing hands and sanitation...but...
I worked however with a group of dudes who went way beyond.
They kept a list of men who did not wash their hands in the bathroom, and other bathroom activities. They disclosed the list and activities to me. I asked them to please never include me in that information AGAIN! What difference did it make to me? Now, I was plagued with anyone shaking my hand who might be on the list. Ugh. I already wash my hands. So did not have a need to know.
I recall informing someone to please remove his huge bottle of lotion from center focus of his desk as he was getting ready to interview a potential employee. These guys kept hand sanitizer in their back pockets. When they had to shake someone's hand, they did not even wait until the person was not looking before pulling out their sanitizer. Embarrassing. And as we all know, and of course they knew, hand sanitizer dries out your skin. Hence, the bottle of lotion...sitting there like a freaking idol or something. Come on. At least keep it in the drawer? Something freaked me out about the lotion idol on the desk at all times. I don't know if it was the Silence of the Lambs or what...regardless...geesh. I have no problem with lotion but they over dramatized the whole thing.
One day, I was going into work. We had to use a card reader, then you had to pull the door out...so there was no way to "elbow" into the office. Two of them were standing on the outside of hte door. They had just left the office to use the bathroom. Go figure. So they stand there. I badge in, open door. They almost run into the office and thank me dramatically. They did not want to touch the door. Okay, maybe I don't either but WTF were they doing? What if nobody used that door the rest of the day?
Another time I was in a functional group meeting. Our supervisor asked how things were going. We had recently moved to a new building. One guy spoke up, "Can we please get a$$ gaskets in the bathroom?" I did not even know those things were called a$$ gaskets until then. I was the only female in the meeting. It was embarrassing. I believe I said, "Would you like a magazine rack also?" Awful. I mean really, can't you just build a nest? Is this really the issues within the company?
And of course the famous sexual harrassment training, same place. We had to have a new policy, so that meant training. I am the ONLY female other than the HR lady giving the training. She referred to a personal scenario, she is a woman, and it was a man doing the harrassing...an example. One guy was very hurt by this. He was seriously the weirdest of the weird...funny odd little man. Not what I would call attractive, and we are professionals. I had hardly ever spoken to him. What does he ask? "What happens if I am harrassed? I mean, that happens you know...women harrassing men." I don't disagree, but picture this...I WAS THE ONLY FEMALE THERE!!!! I was again embarrassed. People were snickering, my face was turning red. Seriously, I just wanted to say, "Hey trust me. I am not going to harrass you, okay?"
I have more.
Seriously makes me miss my
Seriously makes me miss my fifteen years in automotive management. Sales staff of two thousand plus, training them in the guest experience and cultural correctness. Fun stuff.
I had issues with the inlaws
I had issues with the inlaws when married. My mil said I was horrible to sd. She thought I was abusive. THEN I had my own kids...guess what? I didn't treat them any differently. If they didn't do what I said, they got in trouble. I didn't candy coat anything. I wasn't one of those "sweet talkin lovey, dovey" kinda moms. And guess what? I got all kinds of compliments on my kids from mil and still do. SD is grown and a mess, and her cousin (same age) who was raised similarly (exh and my exsil did not discipline), also has issues.
I'm one of those that doesn't really care about what people think. So I don't get involved in the drama or cattiness that often comes with our situations. I don't even associate with people who do. Anyone that's not on MY side, is on the OUTside.
Amen to that.
Amen to that.