I had 2 kids, then "it was best" for the 3 SKs to all move in, one at a time, over a year's time.  I feel for you, especially with the virtual schooling.  Nobody, nobody understands how hard it is to parent other children every day.  Actually, as tough as it was, that was bettter than the back and forth we had for 4 years before then.

I don't have any advice.  We hung on day-by-day.  I'm 75 now and all 5 kids are in their 50's but its why Im on Steptalk, trying to put it all to rest and understand the dynamics.  My DH was defensive about the SKs, too.  Counseling helped me tremendously.  Good luck, MayCorinne.

BM said she was done and wanted us to take over because of behavior issues....

DH wants SD to stay virtual if with us so she doesn't have to readjust to a new school.

If BM is actually really done, and is legally giving custody to DH, SD needs to go to in person school as she has to change schools and readjust due to the custody switch anyway. 

If BM is retaining custody and is using you as a babysitter because SD is in virtual school, SD needs to go back to BM. 

Afraid that SD will act up is not a reason to keep her out of school. Does DH intend to homeschool her (have you homeschool her) through high school?

Kids go to school where they are told to go to school and they deal with it.  I have never understood adults who make career and family decisions based on a kid, or kids.  What is best for the family drives adult decisions.  Kids are a considration, but they are not what drives adult decisions. If a kid happens to be the case for a major decision .... the odds are it is failed parents who are making the decision.

As the SAHP in your marriage raising two toddlers, you and only you get the deciding POV on where an older skid is school.  At least in saying..... "I don't care where she goes to school as long as it is not in th is house, M-F during normal school hours."  You are absolutely right. You are the one being put out by this crap.  So... end it by giving DH clarity that his daughter will not go to school in your home. PERIOD!

You do not need to justify your position.  It is obvious to anyone with half a brain.  Also... since BM has abandoned the Skid, DH needs to nail BM's ass to the wall for a pile of CS.

Good luck.

Your DH is taking advantage of you. Two under 3 is HARD without having to deal with someone else's kid. Where were you in all the decision making about your household? It seems like your DH and BM just decided this and decided you would be the babysitter. Take back your power! Lose your shite and tell your DH that skid is to go back to her mother's.

Oh no. It's one thing to deal with SD and virtual school while school is not open.  It's totally different to CHOOSE to learn virtually when in-person school is available. 

If your DH wants SD to learn virtually,  he should handle it.  It is unreasonable for him to expect you to do so when neither of her REAL parents is willing.  Say no.  Tell him you can't take care of your babies and retain your sanity with the extra burden of SD there all day.  Let him know right now that it's not an option.

As the others said  - is BM switching custody or not? If she is, then SD has to adjust to the new school at some point. If she isn't, then she'll be going back to BM's soon, right?

I don't understand how it always becomes the stepmother's problem when BM doesn't want to be a parent anymore. Did you speak up and tell DH that you weren't willing to take over her care?  She's 13-14, per your last blogs, and has major behavioral issues. It's completely unfair for your DH to expect you to deal with her, and I'd make it clear that you are NOT willing to do it anymore.

I think it's a dangerous precedent to set to avoid doing the correct thing because you are afraid it will be "hard".

Look DH.. parenting is not always easy.  But, kids need to learn to adjust to new situations.  How is she ever going to leave home, get a job, be a productive member of society if every "change" throws her into a tailspin of poor behavior?

Who knows.. perhaps the new school will be a blessing and she will thrive in that environment.  Maybe there are educators and support there that will help her adjust.  Maybe she will meet new friends and her behavior will improve with good influence and away from what may have been a chaotic environment with her mother?

Kids don't magically know how to behave well.. they learn.. they are guided and parented and taught.  He needs to give her a real chance at success.  No offense to OP, but she is not necessarily an expert at childhood behavior/education.. the child will have a better chance in a "real" learning environment.

As the others said.  He needs to nail down officially what the custody arrangement is to be.. including if there is any CS that the BM will need to pay.. or at least him not pay.  Then when it's official.. she should be enrolled in the district where she officially lives.

These are the kinds of hills to die on.

"NO, DH. If SD lives here now, then she lives here and she goes to school in *this district*. And she GOES TO SCHOOL. I don't have the time or patience to take care of SD and the two littles. If SD is too much to handle for BM, what makes you think I have the ability or want to handle her? If she lives here, she goes to our school. If she isn't going to our school, then she moves back in with BM. I'm not being the bandaid to the bullet wound you and BM created. The options I, as your wife and partner in this household, am comfortable with are SD living and schooling here, or SD living and schooling with BM. But this hybrid model that lets BM out of being a parent and that you conveniently only have to deal with after 5PM doesn't work for me. And yes, I DO get a say in this, whether you like what I have to say or not."

BM doesn't want to take care of her own kid.  BF doesn't want yo take care or parent his kid,  you get stuck with it.  Just say NO.  Tell DH to arrange child care for his kid. Out of your home.  He just doesn't sit in his office away from all of it and demand things. 

You need to firm up your spine, reassure yourself that your position is completely reasonable and DH's position is completely unreasonable, and stand up for yourself.  Say no, and continue to say no until your DH gets it through his thick skull that he and BM are not going to be able to use you for THEIR wants.

Brick and mortar learning Vs E-learning.  All of my HS and undergrad studies were brick and mortar.  Grad school I did on-line. I enjoy both equally though they are different.  Where brick and mortar tends to be mostly instructor driven, on-line is more concept, content, and group project driven.  My MBA was an asynchronus program where the lecture was posted on Sunday, discussion was done online Tues-Thurs, individual assignements were due Friday, group assignments were due Saturday.  To get credit for the week, regardless of finishing all work, and regardless of grades earned each week we had to actively participate 5 days out of 7.   The Profs could be engaged any time from anywhere to guide, answer questions, etc...... They facilitated the learning process.

I found on-line to be a far more powerful learning environment due to the participation that is required.  Concepts were researched, learned, and used in short order.  They are used in individual assignements, and in team assignments.  It takes a lot of self motivation and dedication.

For kids, motivivation will more often than not, come from quality parents just as it does for most kids in brick and mortar schools.  Except for the rare kid who can be self motivated, quality parents are the foundation of student success.