Who is contact time for?
I'm sure I already know what the general consensus is around here, but I thought I'd throw it out there for discussion since it's a corollary to many of our problems.
Who is contact time for? Is it for the non-custodial parent or is it for the kid?
As a BM with a kid with EOWe visitation with his dad, I've heard from bio-dad that he's sad when we have to reschedule or put off a weekend visit for whatever reason. I do try hard to help the EOWe happen because it really matters to my son. I like Ex, but I don't particularly care if he gets his fill of visiation time or it makes him sad if he doesn't.
As a BM with another kid who sees her dad once every other year or so, I see a bio-dad who doesn't bother with contact time. I often wonder if the lack of contact time hurts my BD. I don't care if it hurts her dad, but evidently it does not.
And when either kid is gone for visitation, I alternate between missing them and being glad for a break, but ultimately I put what the kids want ahead of how I might miss them.
As a SM of sorts, I don't discourage the every weekend visitation (even though privately I feel it makes for unpleasant weekends). I do, however, cringe when SO says something along the lines of how he "needs" to see SD again. I'm fine with it being good for SD and that she is his responsibility, but I really think it should be about what the kid needs, not what the parent needs.
I kind of feel that with my various different contexts, I have a pretty good grasp of many of the scenarios of visitation. Am I just anti-ex and anti-SD? Should it be about more than just the kid?
I'm not seeing where I can
I'm not seeing where I can edit this...
Whom. Should have said whom, I think. Then again, is anyone really sure when to say whom? :?
children need to know their
children need to know their biological parents in the eyes of the family law courts.
The courts dont care about people divorcing any more...they have decided to take the side of the kids and there fore will enforce arrangements where the kids see their parents.....
(unless of course there is a particular good reason that they should not?)
I guess I should explain the
I guess I should explain the train of thought this came from...
So often I read on here how there is conflict with a non-custodial bio-parent exerting pressure on the custodial parent to bend to their will on visitation to suit the needs of the bio-parent, not the kids. Or a parent ignoring the needs of the kids to exert control over the other bio-parent. Or the scenario that I think weaves itself subtly through a lot of SM's here problems, which is that our SO/DH/BF's insert their need for visitation ahead of their own kid, and certainly their spouse.
I mentioned my relationships just to fill in the background to my own experiences- and show how I could clearly be biased. I thought what might be important to get out there is that this issue is kind of a sub-text for many of our problems.
So, that said, am I off base that too much emphasis is put on what the parent wants? Or does that deserve merit as well?
Oh, don't get me wrong. My ex
Oh, don't get me wrong. My ex lives 3 1/2 hours away and almost every other weekend I drive to the halfway point, which means 400 miles and 8 hours total to make sure my son gets to see his dad. More than a couple of times I have driven him the whole way at twice that. I think I do my part to be supportive of their relationship. Occasinally a kid event (sports tournament or something) throws off the every other pattern.
What I was insinuating, and I guess I'll be more blunt now, is that a lot of our SO/DH/BF's sound needier about their visitation than the kids. If skid has a chance to go to a waterpark with her other grandma on a weekend, I say great. SO shouldn't mope about it, he should be happy for her. If my kid comitted to engage in some activity that has an occasional weekend event, I don't think his Dad should make him feel bad. The cases I'm talking about the Dad is pushing the visitation harder to soothe their own guilt and feelings. I'm in it from the BM side and the SM side and I see it in the stories I read here. It's not as overt as some of our problems, but it simmers in the background and fuels the main problems.
I think you are totally wrong
I think you are totally wrong in this - it is just as important for the parent to see his own bio child as it is for the child. You even stated in your original OP that you go from missing them to being glad you have a break. I know that most people do not like their exes but your ex is the father of your child and how would you like if you could only see your child EOW and one of those weekends said child wanted to go and do something else and then in another 2 EOW's wanted to do something else then you would be seeing your child once a month - just because a couple cannot get along does not mean that the child and PARENT don't need to be with each other. My DH gets to see his son 4 times a year and this past year our BM tried to f*ck with DH's Easter visit (we live 700 miles apart) with his son and I have been with DH for 9 years and it was the first time that I have ever heard him yell and curse someone out like he did to BM - she knew the airline ticket was bought she also knew that SS was so excited to see his dad and yet she tried to tell DH that she was taking his son to a professional sport game so the visit would have to be cut short - DH told her that if his son did not show up at that hotel and stayed with him for the 4 days that were scheduled that a lawyer would be contacted and things would get very ugly. My DH has always tried to accommodate our BM like when she wanted to give SS to us full time 3 months after getting married and then when we were going to take her to court to get CS she talked SS into going back to live with her. Also when it comes time for SS to come and visit with us she makes sure to start a fight with DH and then try to pull SS into it so that the visit does not go well. There was also the time that we all flew back as a family to see SS for a holiday and BM purposely got him tickets to see a professional team play and cut our visit short by 2 days - that was not fair to my DH - of course SS wanted to go to the game but she could have picked another Friday night but the control freak that she is she wanted to show DH that she would control how much time he could see his son. That is why I think that DH just flipped this past year when she tried to cut short the visit again. He had had enough and he wanted to spend some time with his son. So yes it was for his son to see him but my DH loves his son and he needs his time with him as well.
Lucky for us SS is almost 18 and the Bullcrap will stop - 8 more months and contact with BM is over!!! I guess my point is that DH would love to see his son more but due to distance it just is not possible!!
I agree; allowing the child
I agree; allowing the child to "decide" what they want to do during the time make them become complete BRATS!! Believe my my princess SD14 still thinks the world revolves around what she wants to do! This is a hard habit to break! I think time with parents is great! Being a BM and a SM I see both sides. WE have our SD Full time and she has a BM who could give 2 sh** about her; My BD12 doesn't even know about her real father. So I think time should be made and I would be sad if I didn't get time w/ my kids........I would always try my best to see that.
I have to disagree here. Just
I have to disagree here. Just because something "more fun" comes up doesn't mean that the other parent is suddenly less important. How would you feel if you were the parent that kept getting put off?
I have been the parent put
I have been the parent put off. My DS now spends almost the whole summer with his Dad. His Dad talked him out of coming back home for some weekend visits. I have seen how it affects DS when his Dad makes him feel bad if he missses a weekend. I don't want to make him feel bad like that. DS has missed countless birthday parties, weekend trips, church grup activities, and other fun stuff to go to his Dad's.
I like his Dad. I'd go so far as to say I love him the way I love my extended family- cousins, aunts, uncles etc. We still hang out together sometimes and consider each other close (but not weirdly close) friends. He still sees his son at lest 26 weekends per year, winter break, spring break, and most of the summer. They talk on the phone or skype at least once a day. And SD literally lives 4 houses away from us. I think this is different than the cases of families that see their kids 1-4 times per year. If something like a once-a-year karate tournament or a chance to spend a weekend with grandparents that they rarely see (true, the grandparents did want to make it at a super-fun place) throws off the schedule, I do think the visitee parent should maybe suck it up and not make the kid feel bad. Or put what the kid wants ahead of what they want.
I will, however, try to look at it differently should the situation come up again. Not even saying it comes up that often, but occasionally it does. I will say bio-dad was very understanding when we attended a huge family reunion out of state a couple weekends ago on what would normally have been his weekend. It was the first time some of my relatives had met my son, since he's always been at his Dad's when they have extended weekends off from school, and that's when I've been able to travel to see them in the past. So really, I think the changes my son or I have requested are pretty reasonable (just have to defend myself a little here so I don't sound like one of the BMs here).
Absolutely.....YOu are
Absolutely.....YOu are right.....
My son is 18 and now lives with the 'always been absent father' as he wanted to return to Australia and thats the only person he could live with
But I need so much to see him I would love to see him and mother him....I cry through the night in his absence. I was always there for him, and will never forget the little boy who at the age of 8 tried so hard to convince his father how great it was living at us, in final attempt to stop his father moving 1000 miles away.
I wish there was some organisation that could say how important it was that he calls me or txts me or emails me but he now lives in a house filled with hatred towards me and the father and that family wont even remind the kid when its mothers day....
I have to say that the
I have to say that the relationship between your child and his BF comes first before "fun stuff" or what your son wants. It unforunate that his BF lives far away but that is life. Kids adjust to situations.
Our BM would not give BF extra custody time because he would not see the skids right after school and I would be taking care of them.
The Judge ruled for us to have more custody time. I take care of the skids after school but he is here for meals, transporting to sporting events and bedtime. The Judge told BM that BF has job and that job is what supports the family and children. BF should not penalized for that.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, your ex lives far away but that should not stop him from seeing his child. He loves his child and wants the relationship. A child does not have the foresight to see the importance of relationships, they only see the instant gratification of things.
I suggest you watch the DVD "Welcome Back Pluto" its about parental alienation. I'm not saying you are teaching PAS to your child but you may be doing it subconsciously. I know when I saw it, it awakened me to the fact that it exists on some level. One of the things in the DVD explains that once you give a child the power to make his or her own decisions on whether or not to visit a parent...it is difficult to control that power.
It's definately worth watching
I think that it's a fine
I think that it's a fine line, a very fine line, these days with catering to what the kids want. We do seem to have a generation of entitled kids, with no clear boundaries and who seem to just use the system. Parents are not held accountable enough, kids feel abandoned and go their own misguided ways, hence the entitlement issues, and it's really sad. What's more sad is that parents use the kids as pawns in their games of 'who's to blame' and my heart goes out to these kids. We have a juvenile delinquent girl here, SD18, who is in a secure facility because of her bad choices, she kind of knew better but wanted attention too. Negative attention is still attention, right? I love that kid like she is my own and I did chastise her when I felt she needed it. Of course she resented it! I was THE most evil SM but in recent conversations with her I see she is introspective and tells me she now understands why I did what I did back then...some 8 or more years ago. It DOES pay off to actually PARENT kids, regardless of being step or bio parent. It's worth every tear shed to see her turn out well, do well in school and turn her life around. SS, her twin, will take at least another couple of years to 'get' this stuff. Likewise, I will be as pleased to see him do well too.
Heh heh. I guess I'm gonna be
Heh heh. I guess I'm gonna be one of the posters recently complained about in other threads where the OP doesn't listen to what others have posted.
OK, I will be less critical of bio-dad when he makes it all about him. But I know in my heart and in my head that I have been beyond reasonable with accomodating visitation, so I guess that's why I'm being so adament. There are a finite number of weekends in a year, and some events just have to take place on a weekend. I never should have used the word "water park" in my first post- I think it gave the wrong impression, but it happens that we live near a major water park area and that's where the grandparents wanted to visit their grandkids (SD's cousins as well). I'm talking about things like a tournament that a kid has worked all year to practice for, weddings, seeing grandma or another relative that they don't often ssee, family reunions...not the kids who check what the plans are for the weekend at each house and THEN decide where they want to go.
I've given up "my" Christmases with DS so that he could go to paternal grandma's with his Dad. I've driven him there extra weekends, giving up "my" weekends so he could go to "fun" stuff like a major league baseball game or a show. I've driven him the whole way there and back for months at time when bio-dad couldn't drive due to an injury. The amount of time and effort we put into their visitation could seriously border on entitlement- this is making me realize. Talk about an unintended consequence of trying to get me to see the light!
Anyway, in my world...evidently not in other poster's experiences, I know 2 Dads who do worry more about their own feelings at times than what is important for the child. I respectfully don't agree that there aren't times when it is appropriate to trade off time. Respectfully.