what should I tell dh to do?
So the big ongoing battle in our household is that my ss refuses to speak to me unless ordered to or unless I ask him a direct question in front of his father (and then it depends on what I ask). ss is 12-I've been in his life since he was 1. Custodial sm for almost 8 years and did the primary parenting (as dh traveled for work and was even gone for a year due to a deployment). So obviously ss used to talk to me all the time-we had lots or problems back then but we still talked and had some positive communication which made the rocky times more bearable.
SS moved out about 3 years ago-3 months prior to dh's 2nd deployment (this was court ordered that he go back to bms for this deployment)and ss just stopped speaking to me. The year my dh was gone-myself or my kids tried calling him almost weekly-he ignored the calls-if I did get him on the phone-he was rude and barely spoke. Dh came back from iraq two years ago but remains active duty due to medical problems. he lives on base, but comes home on the w/e's. SS has spent the last two years not speaking to me. I tried to be patient thinking he would get over it-I've tried talking to him about it 100 times, dh has tried talking to him as many times, I've tried ignoring him thinking he would see that it is hurtful. But nothing works. At this point-he and I have absolutely NO relationship whatsoever. I believe he has also passed the point of irreparable damage in his relationship with my 3 kids. He will quite calmly state that he dislikes me and that he has not reason to but that's just the way he feels. He tells m kids he doesnt have to listen to me, and that I am mean, etc-so they don't feel close to him at all either.
We just dont know what to do? When I talk to dh about it-he says what do you want me to do? I try to talk to him about it all the time (he truly does)-he recently gave ss the choice to visit or not and he ended up not coming for 6 weeks-I dont even know what to tell dh to do-but I want him to do something! What is appropriate here? Can you really discipline a child for not speaking and not liking their stepparent? It creates a huge divide in our family. When ss is here-dh and him are a family and me and my kids are a family. I get so mad at ss for creating this division in our family-it's like he is controlling everything-but dh and I truly don't know how to stop it.
Have you both tried sitting
Have you both tried sitting down and talking this boy together?
I encountered this with my husband's oldest daughter last year. It got so bad I began leaving our house on the weekends they visited. I told my husband to fix it. He couldn't stand that I would leave every other weekend, and frankly, it was very dangerous for our relationship. The way I was feeling, a number of things could have happened to end our marriage. So, we both sat down and talked to her together. We let her know that she would not be treating me this way anymore in my home. She didn't have to like me, but she had to be respectful otherwise she would be disciplined like every other kid in the house even though she didn't live with us.
Once confronted her as a united front and she realized her father was not going to allow her to treat me with disrespect, she snapped to. We are back to having that "friendly aunt" relationship.
We've had the talk together
We've had the talk together numerous times as well. In these talks he always says ok that he will stop and then he just never does.
Then, he is manipulating both
Then, he is manipulating both of you. if he choses that way, then, let it be, let him go, you will survive without talking to him. the desperater you are, the stronger he holds himself this way. I've tried my best but your remain the same, that's just the way it is.you know what, I am not going to play this game with you.
OMG ... you are living my
OMG ... you are living my nightmare.
I am so sorry. I have no advice but I am bookmarking your post for helpful advice later. Hope somebody else has good advice out there!
Hismineandours, my stepsons
Hismineandours, my stepsons tried the same. Everyone needs to address this with him, I would guess that he is angry at bio parents for divorcing and is rejecting you because of the hurt he feels from the divorce, this is not about you. He has to understand that his bio parents are not getting back together (they should make that clear) and they need to tell him that you are to be treated with respect which means that when you ask him a question he relies, etc. If he refuses this kind of communication I think the next step would be counseling as what could very easily happen is he could harbor hard feelings towards you for everything little thing you say and do when really his hurt was never about you in the first place.
Have you considered family
Have you considered family counseling? Its obvious that something happened and although SS claims he has no reason, you know deep down inside there is a reason. Since you are military, have your DH check with the MWR folks to get a referral. This will clearly need to come across to your SS as DH's idea and ambition to have whatever issues ironed out, but the teenager with raging hormones isn't thinking clearly about the ramifications of his current actions on his future. Not everyone is forgive and forget.
We are all too far apart at
We are all too far apart at this point for any type of family counseling. Dh is almost 2 hours from me and bios and then ss is another 1 hr or more from us. We have certainly talked about it as an option-but I almost feel it is too late. I feel like so much damage has been done here already. I do not try and engage him much-I ignore him for the most part, but when I do speak I try to be polite and pleasant. I have considered that all of dh's talks and all of my talks (although mine have certainly grown more infrequent as time goes by)serve as an attention getter for him. His behavior and tx toward me seem to grow worse rather than better. He did announce to the whole family (on our family vacation) that he just spent so many years making up bad things about me (he would tell his mom stories to get her attention) that he actually ended up believing them for awhile-he says he realizes that they are not true now-but just can't get over feeling that way about me now. BM has done alot of alienating behaviors as well over the years-but about a year ago-she said she realized that she had made a mistake-but then again she just made a scene with me 6 weeks ago-came to my doorstep and yelled at me because ss was outside when she came to pick him up.
His parens have been divorced
His parens have been divorced since he was 1. dh and I have been together since he was 2. His mom has married and had numerous boyfriends. right now she has been dating a guy for 18 months (this is the longest relationship she has had in awhile) and ss loves this guy. Talks about him all the time. I cant believe that he would really be anticipating that his parents would be getting back together after all this time.