What can we do about a BM that talks badly about us to SD?
I'm looking for some ideas about what we can do to get the BM to stop talking badly about my bf and I to SD. When SD comes to the house on fridays she is so angry. She never smiles, looks like she lost her best friend (and I am the one that took them). She will yell and make a fuss over the smallest things. Also lately she's been saying she wants her old room back. My son moved into that room over a year ago. SD and my daughter share a room, they have bunkbeds and the larger bedroom so they're not cramped for space. She seemed to like the idea of bunkbeds at first until she told her mom about it. BM threw a fit and said that we were pushing SD out of the house. Any resonable person would have put the 2 girls together and given the boy his own room. Not to mention that SD comes only 8 days per month, are we to have a bedroom sit empty for 22 days just so she has her "own" room. I think this is ridiculous. I believe the only reason that the room issue keeps coming up is that BM won't shut up about it. Also by Sunday SD is a much nicer child and doesn't seem like the angry child that came on Friday. Short of calling BM and asking her to stop saying things that are negative about bf and me (and I think she'd just yell and scream and nothing would get acomplished) I really don't know what my options are. I have thought of calling child protective services and reporting that the mom is neglectful as well as emotionally abusive. This is true and SD's counsellor has said that she feels BM is emotionally abusive so why she hasn't reported it herself I don't know. I do go back to see the counsellor on Tuesday so I'll ask her then. If anyone has any ideas please let me know. Oh getting my bf to talk to her won't work as he's one of the dad's with no balls.
It's so hard
when these people do this with no thoughts to the affects on the children. For me it is usually the granny ss lives with that influences my youngest ss. Suggesting things about us financially and everything! Unfortunately no I doubt there is much you can do besides be the better parent here and not sink to her level. I think it is so important to show respect to the other parent (even if deep down there isn't any there). If you call her on it, she will probably get worse, if you ignore it, you have to deal with the sd being off for the first half of your visit with her. I think talking to the counselor is a good start, she can "shoot that messanger" instead of you and your bf. How old is this little girl? If she is young, she may grow out of believing everything when she grows to see you give her a nice, happy home, I know my ss has learned to grow past the snide comments.
try to keep an open
try to keep an open relationship with the SD where she feels comfortable with you and knows that she won't have to hide her feelings or listen to negative opinions about her mom.
My dad did this to me and my brothers. he was negative about everything regarding my mom and our life afer he left. We eventually didn't want to be near him and hid as much of ourselves and our lives as we could.
Mom used to tell us that what my dad did was not a reflection of us or our lives but rather how he handled things in his life and she was sorry that we had to hear what was going on between the adults.
Now as adults me and my brothers are loyal to our mom and still think dad is a jerk for putting his bitterness off on innocent children.
Give your SD the ability to freely vent without repercussion or the negativity about her mom to show. Step in only when absolutely necessary for the health or safety of SD.She needs this unconditional love, guidance, and sense of safety and security.
Children are smarter than we give them credit for most of the time and she will understand where your priorities are compared to her moms and she will learn to grow with you, trust you, and love you no matter what her mom says.
A persons character speaks for itself and this seems to be natural knowledge for children.
Lisa Dawn
In our case.
Gosh, especially in the begining. BM was relentless with the trash talk. BF would call to say goodnight to the girls and BM would say "your asshole Father is on the phone". BM called me everyname in the book to those poor kids. Everything from the usual Bitch, slut, whore,c&#t, to that I'm a drunk. Consistant telling the girls your Father left you. ( No he didn't crazy lady, he left YOU, not the girls )
BF and I grew very sick of it. When we got the girls alone, we would just simply explain that BM is having a hard time dealing with the marriage ending and that he does love them. BF also started telling BM to knock it off, it's not healthly for the girls.
This needed to be repeated bi-weekly for severly months. Reminding the girls he loves them and reminding her to stop the trash talk. Trust me, there were a few screaming matches over the trash talk.
With time it got better. The girls know their Father loves them, they know their Mother's therapist sucks, the trash talk has dropped a few knotches and is fewer and far between.
Hang in there. Jo
I am often amazed how much my skids don't bring
their respective BM's venom into their dealings with me. My husband's second and his older sd are both insanely accusatory towards me including radical accusations of deeply anti-social behavior like trying to say I pulle a knife on sd. Ick.
Yesterday my oldest ss (23)called and he took the initiative to really talk to me about his life and how he felt when his Dad didn't call on his birthday. I tried to explain that we had a family emergency in another state but that his Dad really was thinking of him and we thought he might be out with friends. So I finally said that if he wanted to come of for a belated birthday we would arrange for that. It was definitely not the conversation that someone would have with a step-mother they believed to have been horrible to their sister. If he thouht sd's allegations were true I highly doubt he would be chatting me up like that.
Later the same day my youngest SD (who's BM is completely toxic towards me) insisted on talking to me on the phone about her school project. My approach with the kids has been pretty laid back. I ask them how they are and how their lives are going. I always have a smile and a hello for them and slowly over time I think they have come to rely on that consistency. I do not gush or overwhelm them, I just let them get to know me at their own pace and it seems to be working out.
I realize that someday sd may listen more to BM's angry words but for now I am building a foundation to buffer that negativity. No matter how nasty things are we don't badmouth the other parents and I think that in the long haul that will be appreciated.
I don't really know what the answers are on dealing with spitefull BM's. If anyone figures it out I'd love to hear, but in the meantime I use the resources of support that i have to try and stay sane in insane situations.
"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan."
Ani DiFranco
I find I am always walking
I find I am always walking on a tightrope when is comes to rebuttals with the stepchildren and the things BM say about us including my own children whom she does not know. While at times you to want to tell the kids how it really is, you have to bite your tounge. I do correct inaccurate statements BM makes about us, but let most of it go. I think in time the kids will see who is the crazed vindictive parent.
So I do not have alot of love from his kids, but hope one day they will see that I was not the mud slinger...and grow to love me for that. No child should feel guilty for loving a parent and I will not play her game.