What? All is "friendly" again??

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I have to vent to get this out of my system and thank you all for letting me vent.
For over two years, BM put us through hell with a court case, modification, alienation etc. ad nauseum. Now that she has remarried and has a house bigger than ours (this is what is important to her, us having a bigger house than her started all of this in the first place) she is currently in a good mood......for now. So the parenting plan we fought hard to get, at her insistence, seems to be out the window for the summer months. She is now requesting changes that suit HER. FDH is really making me angry because he is being so nice and accommodating to her. I know that sounds crazy and getting along with BM is better for the kids of course. But this is a woman who calls me vile names, sends nasty texts and bad mouths me to the kids constantly. And this "getting along" will be short lived, history has proven that. Am I wrong to expect FDH to stick to the parenting plan and be cool and polite with her and not give in to her requests for us to have the kids more? The thing is, FDH wants the kids more, which of course I understand. But why is it at her whim?? And now to suit her schedule for the summer? What was all that about then, the lawyers, the money spent etc. Plus she is getting more CS. And for sure she will turn on us again and then I will be expected to give emotional support and sympathy when FDH is upset again. I am really pissed off, part of me knows it is not rational to be upset because BM and FDH are getting along but WTF?? The summer schedule is all different now because it suits her mood?

We are planning to get

We are planning to get married in November :jawdrop: I am having serious second thoughts now. We have gone through a lot and had arrived at what I thought was a really good place. The lines were clear, us on one side and BM on the other. This friendly-shit stuff has really thrown me.

I think that if she hasn't

I think that if she hasn't laid it all out there for him, and all this is all new to both of them, there is still a chance for them. Is this the first real relationship after bm for him? It was for dh, so he has a lot of learning. This isn't my first sm role but it is my longest, but there is still lots of learning for me, as all kids and situations are different. My last one was from a one night stand turned out badly (who doesn't use protection? Yes I went into that relationship really young and stupid). This one is from a relationship where 3 months into it she ended up pregnant, he tried sticking it out "for the sake of the baby". But she was too much of a whore.

Voldemort tried to switch the

Voldemort tried to switch the summer schedule around to suit herself after being a vile twat-rag for the last lifetime. DH told her to kick rocks. I'm serious when I say GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN. Especially if y'all don't bkids. Let him accommodate her for the rest of his life with some other sucker. Because you're right, its at her whim. Voldemort wanted to keep the skids from me so she disallowed them from coming over when their father isn't home then BAM her "nanny" isnt working out so she wanted to dump them off on me 5 evenings a week over the summer. Nah bitch, ain't happening. At the very least you need to move out, but me? I DEFINITELY wouldn't marry him. She'll get worse when the two of you are married because she's an insecure self bitch.

What does fdh say when you

What does fdh say when you bring it up to him?

Let him know that he needs to be mindful of your feelings. Bm can be pissed all she wants, she is the ex, your not,unless he wants you to be. You guys made an order for a reason. Once you stay from the order, feelings start to matter, then it's all about keeping bm happy, or she'll take away the extra time she gave you.... trust me we played that game before, never again!

Oh he is all about "You are

Oh he is all about "You are being ridiculous, over sensitive, I asked you first before I said yes to her, I want the kids more, don't you Anna??" trying to make me feel like the baddie for saying No to having them more. And as for him asking me.....when I say no, it really doesn't suit us, that's when he gets angry and turns the tables to make it seem like I am the one causing problems. Which technically I am because I am saying No to a casual change in the parenting plan. It seems that I cannot win.

That sucks, are you and him

That sucks, are you and him going into the conversation too emotionally charged? When conversations turn into arguments things always turn out badly. The best way to get what you want in this situation is not talk about "not having the kids" but about "not giving bm something to hold over your head" or "giving her any leverage". also tell him that is a manipulation tactic. Give people something they desperately want, and then when they do something they don't like, they rip it out from underneath them. Tell him that you don't want to see that happen to him. Bms typically act super nice butter dh's up before they do this. They act really nice, then they offer extra time, change in the schedule, then when you do something they don't like? bam! They take it away, and it hurts dh like crazy.

I deleted my post because I'm

I deleted my post because I'm in a bad mood and shouldnt assume that your Voldemort is like mine lol
Apologies

Expecting him to give up

Expecting him to give up extra time with his kids just to spite mom is unreasonable. Yeah may be a bitch and the extra time works well for her, but saying no, hurts the kids and dad, not mom.

She may not be doing it to

She may not be doing it to spite the bm. She may be wanting to do it so that she isn't having to deal with dh "keeping bm happy" later so that he keeps the extra time. And then when bm goes back on her word, well then who has to deal with fdh putting around the house? She will.

It's still unreasonable.

It's still unreasonable. Give up 3xtra time because I want to deal with your attitude if/when BM flips the switch again.

Most parents want extra time with their kids. He's willing to let what happened go and not waste time worrying about BM might do, if it means he has his kids more.

That is a win win for him and his children.

She is expecting him to go by

She is expecting him to go by the court order. Once they deviate it is a challenge to get back on schedule. Once they let bm start yanking their chain with her whimsical schedule then everyone suffers.

It is not sm who is hurting the skids, it is bm and her continual yanking the chain. I personally don't allow stupid drama in my life.

This is what I'm saying! The

This is what I'm saying!

The kids know when there going to be at which home. They have a secure state of being. And for bm to be so fickle makes them not know if they are coming or going
Also, why should we as adults live like that? Not knowing for sure when our lives are going to have kids in it this weekend or next. Can't really make plans with dh to go out of town on a romantic get away. Because skid may show up.

This is what I'm saying! The

This is what I'm saying!

Absolutely. Extra time is

Absolutely.

Extra time is great when you know when it is going to be. In the beginning of my relationship with dh, bm was always pulling that crap. A phone call a few hours ahead of the time she would ask dh to pick up skids on her time. It was completely at her whim.

When I had had enough we started seeing a couples counselor. He said it was unreasonable to put the blame on me for getting angry at that situation, and that is was reasonable that I be informed a minimum of at least 48 hours. If we had something planned on our unscheduled time then we wouldn't alter plans and say no. If we were just chillaxin and weren't doing anything, and it wasn't A fight then yes, not a prob.

Bm in my situation would always deny us time if we wanted to take the skids early, even when they were with a sitter. her reasoning was that we could get them when she didn't have a sitter to watch the kids.

^THIS^ All day long.

Agreed. You have the benefit

Agreed.
You have the benefit of knowing this before you get married.
If your DH cannot set boundaries then I would advise you do not get married and you keep your household and finances separately as you will need those solid boundaries in place. You will have less say in your own boundaries once you are married (as they become "our" boundaries).

Been there, done that. DH

Been there, done that.

DH and BM will "work together" which really means nothing is happening to piss off BM, DH gets complacent and starts allowing boundaries to erode, then BM makes more and more inroads on DHs area until DH reaches his limit/realizes he wants a boundary somewhere, then he pushes back and BM gets mad/frustrated by the change. She then pushes back, first in a nice/confused way, then in a frustrated way, then DH gets upset she's pushing. They start picking at each other. And it all spirals down. Then there's a bigger blowup or issue and they have to get past it so they have to work together. It goes okay...go back to the start of this paragraph.

The DH/BM relationship itself is bipolar.

Ya, it's best just to not let

Ya, it's best just to not let it get there. Just stay very business like and not let it go outside text/email and not let anything outside of the order happen.

It's tough when that's how it

It's tough when that's how it was before me and DH is a "nice guy" who wants to be thought of as a nice guy so he lets more slide rather than sticking to his boundaries...'cause that wouldn't be nice. It's the same with the skids. Things slide because he wants them to be happy/think of him as as nice guy.

I disengaged from DH/BM situations but based on DH starting to get frustrated and telling me things (when I don't even ask), I can see he's doing it again.

Good Luck!! If the FDH is

Good Luck!! If the FDH is already showing signs of being a spineless wimp...it will never change.
Our BM dictates our visitation schedule with an iron fist despite having a CO. She will yank visitation, trash talk DH and myself in front of and to the kids and even teach them to mean manipulative shits. We have actually HEARD her with out own ears. On a rare occassion, DH will fight back but within a week it is back to his nose being shoved up her ass so far he could sneeze for her. It will NEVER change. If you are miserable now...get out. It will only get worse and especially after you get married. I wish I had someone to give me this same advise before I got married.

Amen! Preach it! I second

Amen! Preach it!

I second wiping your ass with it. That's how I feel sometimes. It's like does it even mean anything at this point?

Of course he wants his extra

Of course he wants his extra time, except the CS was based on BM having more time. I'm sure that's what sticks in the OPs craw. It would mine.

If you give them an inch, they will take a mile and bitch that you didn't give them TEN.

Ok my update....FDH and I

Ok my update....FDH and I talked (when I had calmed down) and we came up with the following plan. When BM asks for us to have the kids, if it suits both of us, he will email BM with a formal "Anna and I have discussed this and even though it's your scheduled time with the kids, we are happy to have them next Friday (or whatever day etc.). I told FDH he has to document and formalize her wanting to veer off the PP. I had to remind him how many times she has screwed him over! (How the hell does he forget so easily??). Also it has to suit us, and ME. I was very blunt and told him I am having serious second thoughts to marrying him and expect to see significant changes before November. So he sent the email and copied me on it. Well.....BM is pissed of course and wrote back Go to Hell and other expletives. And crap stuff about how clearly he doesn't love the kids if he has to talk to me about having them. Me being mentioned angered her and me being copied on the email. It IS a control thing for her and FDH needs to strap on his balls even if I have to hot glue them on for him.

I'm so glad the talk went

I'm so glad the talk went well, and I how it was as clear to him as it was to you that this was a manipulation tactic for bm (all her buddying up to him). Ya, sure he'd love extra time with his kids, as long as it is going to be the best thing for the whole family. The thing is so many people think that the only thing that parents should think about is the kid, but that's just not true. The whole family is effected. You may not be married now, but you are still a family.

You are here

What? All is "friendly" again??