Which SP are you referring to? The step dad thats with BM, or the step mom thats with the father? Usually, step parents are second. I'm not saying it's right, but thats usually the way it works out.

My FDH thought he had to protect his offspring from the world as a whole, including me. While he was still my BF we had it out about how protective he should be and what exactly he thought I was going to do to his precious short folks. Turns out, after many discussions and arguements, that he didn't actually think I was out to get any of his children and has since worked hard to make me feel like his priority.

It took him seeing that YES, he trusted me to care for his children without supervision, he trusted me to bathe his children, he trusted me to feed his children, he trusted me to ensure that the children did well in school...I saw to all of his children's needs without supervision...not ONCE they ever need "protection" from me. In fact, everything I did nag about were indeed real issues and I gave real solutions and once he saw that (and was reminded a few times), things got WAY better.

He has since been everything a girl can ask for in a man & I couldn't be happier with our relationship. So yes, I think that a SP can be put first...

If your SO truly feels that you are a danger to his/her children (read - must protect!!) then you are with the wrong person!

yeah i agree with the others. i think that they did a good job answering. at first my bd felt the same way that i did not like his kids and that i was being unreasonable but when he seen that i parent my 3 year old the same way and hold her to the same rules he realized that i was not being mean that i was discipling the same way i with my own. i have told him that i will never love his kids like i love my own BUT i do want for them what i would want for my own and that is to be happy, respectful, and successful. he has gained respect for me and i have gained it for him.

i was miserable when i felt like the bad guy and that made him hover over his kids like a protecting blanket. i almost hated him. i feel that it is crucial to a relationship to take your partners needs and wants into consideration and put as much of them first as u can.

now i think that there are limitations to putting them first but for something that has reason and meaning i think that putting those needs and wants first are crucial. i mean my bd may want to have intercourse 20 times a day but that will not happen and i may want to be alone and not want his kids over but that won't happen so i do think there are exceptions to putting partner first.

Absolutely, if not then skids and ex spouse can and will come between marriage. Also, before marriage we should know if new partner is worthy to be by your side and your equal. Are we not the one that has chosen our new partner in life? Then we should stand beside one another and agree in all aspects of the marriage and that means standing together even when it comes to skids. Otherwise, we leave our new partner open for abuse and that is just wrong. If unable to defend each other and stand together no reason to marry and try to start a new life, stay in past with skids and ex spouse. We have bridges to cross. Cross them and bring children with us, but we must lead and set ground rules to make it across safely and happy.

Absolutely. It needs to be a conscience decision from both parties to put the marriage first.

I have a question though - Is it always right to put the SP first in all things? I see my sd's BM put her husband first and I see the damage it has done over the years. This may be an extreme case but...

This step father controls everything in the home and BM allows it, always backs him up and the children have a lot of resentment now at feeling like their mother essentially chose her man over them. She allows him to chose where they live, what they eat, who is allowed into certain rooms. He demands constant attention and takes anything he wants, for example: even down to searching the children's rooms for chocolate and eating it himself! BM is at his side at all times, even leaving the children alone on her one weekend a month (they are teenagers now) to do what he wants to do. She allows him COMPLETE authority in their home.

She sees it as putting their marriage first since the kids will grow up and move out some day. I see angry damaged children who desperately miss their mother and resent a step father they have to 'respect'. Surely there is a balance?

You got this one right. I think a parent feeling the need to protect their children, even adult children from their wife is the single most destructive element of second marriages--particularly dads to daughters. (although it works both ways) How can that not destroy tender feelings in your marriage?

So while dad is comforting his daughter against alleged mistreatment of her by his wife, daughter is laughing in SM’s face (quite literally) at how easily she set up and manipulated the situation to make herself appear to be the victim when she is in fact the aggressor. In her mind, she won, and as long as dads remain unaware of their own and their daughter’s motivations, the marriage takes a huge beating.

Moreover, we can live with the notion of stepmother as jealous, vengeful and scheming much more readily that we can live with the notion of stepdaughter as jealous, vengeful and scheming. Therefore handing SDs carte blanche to walk all over a SM, all done with dad’s approval either through his silence or deliberate placement of himself “in the middle”. There is no middle in a marriage.

If parents don’t do the self-examination to know theirs and their children’s emotional response to remarriage they will continue to react as though wife and SM is the enemy. Given that nod of approval, the children can and will do unscrupulous things to destroy the marriage, with no other goal than to unseat SM and resume what they feel is their rightful place as number one in dad’s life even when they themselves are married and have their own families. No marriage can withstand that much “friendly fire”.

I don't understand how anyone can be expected to put a romantic partner before their kid(s)... I can't wrap my head around that. (I do understand not giving in to a child's demands at the expense of the spouse/partner and that sort of thing, but actually "putting the partner first" - are people serious with this? If you create a child, you are responsible for that child, imo, above all else.)

What I find most disturbing is that in a second marriage you are viewed as a romantic partner. And of course much depends on the age of the children. When I speak from my experience, I am not talking about little kids, I am talking about fully grown adults.

This has been a challenge for me and DH since day one. And one of the reasons I didn't want to move in w/him and SD now 27 (yes she still lives at home). Before we got married his older sister warned me "make sure he puts you first."

After reaming him constantly about his behavior and threatening to leave, he's making more of an effort to put me first. I told him that if he didn't put me first, I'd find someone else who would.

I'm hoping things will really improve once SD moves out.

I'm not sure I agree with that... My fiance puts his daughter and I on the exact same plane. We are equally important to him and he has often said if he never saw anyone other than us two for the rest of his life, he'd be happy. I think the biggest reason we seem to work is because we both respect one another so much. He often is amazed at my "parenting skills" with his daughter and says that I think of things that wouldn't even cross his mind but they make so much sense. I'm not saying I'm a great parent because I know I have a lot to work on still but knowing he believes and respects me is a huge help. He does sometimes side with his daughter but his reasoning is always well thought out and makes sense to me after he expains it. I feel that if you choose to put one person above another, it can only lead to trouble, jealousy, and resentment. By putting both people on the same level of importance, we both are heard, loved, cared for, and respected the same way so there is no room for drama or hurt feelings.

I did not and never will come first. The SKIDS did not and never will come first. BM may have come first at some point in time but she gave that up by being a skank.

But mostly, in NN's life, NN comes first. Everyone else can go pound salt.

I read this answer on another sit and liked what it had to say:
When asked the question "Should your marriage come before the children?"
Not always, it should be balanced with a healthy dose of common sense and responsible prioritisation.
You chose to have your children, you are responsible for them and their needs when they are young, you shouldn't put your partner before them to the detriment of your children's wellbeing.
You chose to make a life with your partner, you shouldn't put your children before him/her to the detriment of your relationship.
In all decisions of priority between the two, you need to make sure that you balance the needs and care of both, with consideration for the wellbeing, physical, emotional and psychological, of your entire family. It's important to make sure that you don't prioritise either to the point that the other feels neglected or disrespected. It's not always easy and you can't possibly make everyone happy all the time, when it gets difficult you need to say stuff them all and prioritise your own needs for a while.

I agree your spouse should come first, you need to have a strong marriage in order to have stable children, step children.

The foundation of your marriage dictates the rest of your life together..and this I know for sure as I was previously married to someone well....who was not right for me and me not right for them. My husband now is the love of my life and yes he has a daughter now 10 and I totally love her. BM is totally nuts and out to break up our family, but that will not work because our marriage comes first. BM makes everything so difficult for us that if we didnt put each other first our marriage would die.....So yes your spouse should come first..

Just my opinion....cheers everyone... Z