I wish you guys all the best. I hope your SO really understands your position and is able to hear you out and that your feelings on this be at the top of his list.

My opinion, for what it's worth, is that you're making a mistake. His reasons, while they make sense in his mind for HIM, do not at all consider you or the respect you deserve. While it may be understandable that he is appeasing the ex in order to weasel extra time with the kids--where does that leave you? Your BF will be at the mercy of the ex, and he will ask you to try to see it from his perspective because he is really only trying to get his kids.

If he has issues with her home environment, he needs to change the CO. If he has unfounded issues, tough luck. Sorry, but I think you're asking for trouble by stepping back into this.

I agree with what every one said above...if he really wants you...he will do whatever needs to be done in order to make you happy. Right now, he is not making you happy I don't think....too much baggage and way too much drama...red flags all over the place.

Um, my DH will not speak to his ex because they are divorced. They can work together over the boys but anything else is out of bounds. She tried ONCE to call the shots (I apparently was evil enough to expect the boys to eat with utensils rahter than their fingers,,, little heathens!) and DH shut her down so fast.

I wonder if your SO would be happy with you talking to an ex lover about the things he does that annoy you?

Honestly, it is all excuses. He is at her beck and call. She calls he answers. And this will continue as long as she wants to play this game.

And so he thinks it is totally fair to let her believe he actually cares and when he has no use for her passing on kid-info he drops her like a hot potato. If I were her I would call this non-parenting. After all, right now he is casting a web of lies and she is sticking to it. And eventually he will leave her there to die.

As for the kids working out their mother is nuts... don't bet on it. One of them might be the Florence Nightingale and rescue her at every turn. One may support her all the time because this is their mother. And unlike their father, their mother is vulnerable and needs help (whatever!). NO one WANTS to think their parent/s are nuts because that would mean they are as well.

This is not viable for the longterm.

A couple of thoughts:

1. Is there full disclosure? Is he okay with you reading their text exchanges?
2. Where are the boundaries in his mind? Are you okay with the boundaries? Just how far would he go to help her "for the good of the kids"? Sign a car loan for her (as an example)?
3. Where's her boyfriend in all of this? I agree with the other poster that she should NOT be leaning on your bf for emotional support particularly when she has a bf and is prego with his kid! It reeks of not being a temporary situation (as he claims).

My FDH has two BMs. One he hates and communicates only when absolutely necessary. He wouldn't p*ss on her if she were on fire. The other, he's overly chummy with. I've heard all your bf's justifications first hand and have been through FDH crossing the line of inappropriate. I thought we had put the issue to rest within the first 6 months of our relationship but it's two years later and...

Ears and eyes fully open and if he won't agree (and stick to) to absolute transparency and boundaries there's nothing but trouble ahead. Trust me (us).

You still have a guilty daddy on your hands. First red flag: it will trickle down to his kids"

OH BOY did I hear this from GG!!! Seriously you should run NOW!!

File under: "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it might affect the kids" (TM)

Here's a personal list I compiled after almost eight years of research: (SEE ITEM 11)

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.

He won't see the light unless you make him. All I can say is DH and I met way too soon after his divorce with BM, just 2 months. She freaked out and wanted him back, after she's the one who left him. He said he didn't want her but he still appeased her, still talked to her and was confused. I tried to be patient and understanding, and yes he eventually learned, but I had to make a lot of ultimatums and this eventually has hurt us a lot. I can't even talk about the beginning of our relationship because she clouds every memory and his stupid behavior.

If you know what you need now, make it clear. Don't accept his excuses and just go with the flow. If you know that you can't handle him being BF with BM let him know your boundaries and your expectations. It's better to make your expectations clear, don't think he's just going to change later. It's not a good gamble.