VENTING "Step Brat" issues seeking advice please
Where do I even begin...I'm married to a man who fathered a monster. "Keven" is 12 years old, only child to two parents who both bend over backwards and live, breath just to keep this monstrosity happy which has resulted in a spoiled rotten brat( Joint custody). My husband suffers from "SEVERE" divorce daddy guilt which both ex-wife and Keven play up. Yes we have tried couples therapy to help this BUT the daddy guilt and the manipulation from those two is just to much. ISSUE ONE
Keven is finally at the age where he can start staying alone for a few hours during the day when there is no school and we have to work. We live in a family safe neighborhood and our next door neighbors are retired grandparents that are good friends with us and always home. I also work 5 mins from home if there was ever a problem. The problem is Keven LOVED staying home alone for the first few times but now its "boring" and refuses to do it anymore. Because he's such a selfish brat he has few friends so there is no one we can go have him stay with. He HATES almost all camps like the YMCA and boy scouts so thats out. Keven DOES NOT share well and likes to have everything his way and wants to be entertained all the time. Thats the problem. I can see him wanting "daddy" to say home and play with him when his 16. This is NOT something that I just have to wait a year and it will go away. Here is the problem my husband only gets 3 weeks vacation a year and he has to split ALL school vacation with ex-wife. Except for 6 weeks in the summer where spoiled brat goes to a $6500 camp(yes he loves that one of course) my husband has to split care with his exwife as Keven refuses to go to any other camp. I see this going to turn into a HUGE problem and Keven being a REAL brat about staying alone. How does this effect me you may ask? Well every year my husband and I go away for our anniversary for a week but now if he has to use all his vacation time babysitting Keven because he refuses to stay alone there will be NO vacation for us. Yes I can take a vacation with friends BUT it would be nice to get away with my husband once a year! PLEASE, PLEASE does anyone have any advise on how I should handle this?
How does he "refuse" to stay
How does he "refuse" to stay home alone? Will he cling to his father's leg? Will he chase the car down the street?
The only way out of this mess is for your husband to man up and start parenting his son.
Agreed. There's not much you
Agreed. There's not much you can change if his dad is going to enable his behavior.
You could try to talk to BM about taking your anniversary vacation and see if she will keep him that week, but that may cause more drama than its worth.
Does he have grandparents he can stay with? An aunt or uncle? That's honestly the only way I see this potentially working out for everyone.
BM has to take him when we go
BM has to take him when we go away as its part of the divorce agreement each parent gets one week kid free BUT that is not the problem. The problem is by Keven being a ass and not agreeing to stay alone OR go to camp on non-school days is forcing my husband to use all his work vacation days so he will not be able to take any off with me to go away for our vacation.
Step brat will flat out say I
Step brat will flat out say I'm not saying alone and it will progress to step brat crying then threatening to run away if left alone. Jesus I could not be that lucky...Its all a act as Keven knows EXACTLY what guilt buttons to push with my husband to get him to do what he wants. I told my husband all he has to do is say fine you can go spend the day with your grandmother and tht will shut the little shit right up. He hates go there too as grandma is old school and won't put up with his crap. Of course my husband won't say it.
Well.. first, DAD should
Well.. first, DAD should handle this. What happened last year when the boy was 11? where did he go after school and why is that not an option now? If that isn't an option... if he doesn't have relatives.. I would find another after school program.
Dad needs to tell the kid that he doesn't have a choice.. Dad has a job and needs to work to make money.. kid IS going to the program....and then.. make dad follow through. alternatively.. you could choose to also do some days with the kid.. would be great opportunity to practice cutting off the wifi and cable/direct tv.. until dad comes home.. nope.. sonny boy.. you are here with me.. no fun and games.. you sit there and do your homework.
Agree Dad should handle this
Agree Dad should handle this but hes not. In the past Keven went to after school program offered at school which he hated and each year it got more and more difficult to get him to go. They had "rules" he had to follow and would not wait on him hand and foot like mommy and daddy do. This year he aged out of the program and both parents knew they would never get him to go to another one. Please if I ever spoke to Keven like that he would knife me in my sleep.
I would approach your DH with
I would approach your DH with your caring concern. gosh DH.. I am so concerned that Keven is going to suffer bullying if he doesn't learn to be more self sufficient. It's completely unreasonable to have you take vacation time from work because he doesn't like going elsewhere after school and doesn't want to be alone. He is going to have to do a lot of things in life that he doesn't like and if he doesn't start getting used to it.. he is going to grow up to be very unhappy. Maybe he needs therapy to deal with his anxiety but I think that enabling him to avoid things he doesn't like is going to hurt ony him in the end... and I think deep down he is a decent kid that just needs some hellp to grow up.
I don't see how this kid even
I don't see how this kid even has a choice or has an option to refuse. I wouldn't allow any of this and your H needs to stand firm and tell his son that for the meantime he has to stay home for a few hours. If SS doesn't like it he can take his spoiled @ss to his mothers house. Your H and his EX created this monster and now your H has to find a way to fix the damage done. You think this is bad, if it goes unchecked wait until he's older.
Never allow a child to think they have the upper hand and that they can do whatever they want without consequences. You will regret it for the rest of your days if he is not held accountable for his behavior.
Go on vacation with DH.
Go on vacation without DH. Maybe even take tennis lessons while you're there with a handsome latino tennis instructor. If DH doesn't wise up, keep doing it until the litte chit ages out.
You mean WITHOUT DH, right?
You mean WITHOUT DH, right?
Yep. Thanks.
Yep. Thanks.
I bet it feels like DH is
I bet it feels like DH is having an affair and his attention is directed elsewhere, in this case at Kevin. You need to make it more painful for DH to ignore you than Kevin. Google the 180. Its pretty much disengagement 101. You focus on yourself, making life better for yourself. It comes from the Divorce Busting book.
Just becuase DH has choosen to entertain this BS doesn't mean you have to. Leave DH to his misery while you skip off to some pleasant activity of YOUR choosing.
The child refuses???
First of all, the child is 12. Don't give him a choice if it is up to you. TELL him he will stay at home or whatever. If he refuses again, it's all on the DH. Disengage as someone suggested. I've done the same with my SS and am loving life! I tried to be the step father I thought I should be, however, he doesn't want any of it. Once his father died, his behavior and attitude towards me got worse and I tried standing up and be the father figure his bio dad never was. But all the crap his bio dad put in his head before he died had stuck. I fought endlessly and fruitlessly with DW about laying down rules and consequences to no avail. I saw that if I pressed the issue, we probably wouldn't be together now. SO, after a big blow out with SS and threatening to throw him out of the house, DW told me that wasn't going to happen. OK. So he's 17 now and pretty much does as he pleases with DW blessing. I made sure she understood that if he got into trouble or needed me for something other than putting a roof over his head, that was her problem. Now I could care less what he does or says as long as he remains "respectful" to me while he lives under my roof and I've never been so relieved. I don't worry about where he is, what he's doing, etc... and a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. We may talk in passing, but that's about it. He does his thing, I do mine and things have gotten better with me and DW. After all, he's not your bio child and, therefore, you have no legal responsibilities when it comes to him. So free yourself of the bonds and put all the crap on DH shoulders. If he doesn't man up and take responsibility for his own child, then what makes you think he'd man up if you needed him?
Thanks for letting me vent. I
Thanks for letting me vent. I'm so happy I found this site. I've been with my husband since my SS was 4 and hes always been a clingy needy spoiled brat. I always thought and HOPED he would get better or at least more independent as he got older and would not need my husbands constant attention. Well I was wrong. I'm going to try the advice here and disengage some BUT as I said I look forward to my once a year vacation ALONE with my husband and really don't want to go away with friends. Is it really to much to ask that your husband gives you one week a year?
Kids by nature don't want to
Kids by nature don't want to be independent. You force them to, you teach them to be independent. You don't let them teach you to be responsive. You hubby has his parent role/duty all mixed up.
“Kevin”
“Kevin”
Sidenote: have you ever read the book We Need To Talk About Kevin, because holy heck! I feel like you’re making reference to that bad seed. LOL
Refuses? Really? Nope, kids
Refuses? Really? Nope, kids can blather their refusal all they want but a 12yo does what he is told when he is old or he suffers. Bring the pain.
No more "refuse" for this kid. Refusal gets a belt to the ass, a twisted ear march to the nearest corner where he holds up the intersecting walls with his nose until the adults get tired and if he so much as twitches or wimpers he gets a swat to the ass with the belt or a smack the back of the head with a palm.
No more nice camp, no more nothing, except a life of escalating abject misery until he pulls his head out of his ass and behaves in compliance with standards of reasonable behavior.
smh
Why exactly did you marry this failed waste of skin parent and non-man?