An update to BM's request that we move with her out of state or give her primary custody so she can move with twins SD/SS5.

(If you want to see the original post: http://www.steptalk.org/node/167299)

BM is still insisting that this move would be for the best of everyone, regardless of whether we move with her or not. (We aren't, but she's trying to sell the move as good for everyone if she takes the kids.) I found out that the job she's been offered doesn't actually pay more (same amount), but it would still cut down on her student loans and there's the caveat for partial or full assistance on the kids' tuition if she should be at that employer for 5-10 years. Neither of us thinks she can stick it out at any job that long and neither of us thinks that losing a custody arrangement that we like is worth a discount on tuition. We are already saving for their college, we'll help them through college however we can, even if it means going into debt. But we don't want to see the kids go -- especially over something like this. Lawyers have been contacted and I'm trying not to feel that nagging panic that happened the last time we went to court over custody.

There's some things that have happened in the last week or so that I want to share and would appreciate your input.

When we dropped the kids off the other day, my partner asked BM if she's deciding to push forward with her move (and thus court). For whatever reason, my partner and BM seem to think that they've mastered speaking in a manner where the kids won't understand. Sheesh, they may not know the details, but they pick up on enough. Aside from that bonehead move, BM made it clear that she wasn't willing to let go of "such a great opportunity" just because my partner and I want to stay here. She said that we should be "happy" (seriously, she said "happy") to relinquish a chunk of the 50/50 custody because the tuition reduction was worth it. There were other things that she said that sorta freaked me out, like her casual comments suggesting that the kids hate coming to our house, but the real kicker was when she pointed at me (who was trying very hard to stay out of it, drag us out, anything to get out!) and said that she thought that I would be better off coming with her family than stay where we are and "only wind up with a dead-end job." I'm finishing my undergrad in May and I've got plans for grad school after this, but apparently I'm better off with her than what I'm doing now. I was so dumbstruck that I didn't say a thing. She looked away and was able to signal my partner that it was WAY PASS time to go. Told my partner when we were in the car that talking about that then was a BAD move and that the both of them should have known better. Oh boy, was I not pleased. I was just there to say goodbye to the kids... that was completely unnecessary.

The kids behavior has also become very strange and I know it's got everything to do with what's going on at home. (At least, what else am I suppose to think??) Even well before that bonehead conversation. The kids have always acted differently at our house. At BM's house, they're extremely demanding, whiney, overly emotional, etc. Here they're, well, definitely not like that. They act like normal 5 year olds and we seem to get a much better deal than she does. I've always suspected what the reasons were but things are even stranger now.

SD5 has been performing well at school. Her teacher even tells us that she's adjusting very well to kindergarten and she's showing a lot of progress already. However, the family portrait assignments that have been coming home have me drawn as her mom. Sometimes BM is there with me, but I'm not used to being elevated like this. SD and I are on the same page about who I am to her and that I am her's, I'm just not her Mama. At our house, she's been holding onto me a lot. I enjoy her affection and she's always given it freely but there's certainly a bit more clingness than I'm used to. At BM's though, she's been acting regressively: sucking her thumb, baby talk, even cooing. I thought it was strange until I got a glimpse of it when BM was dropping the kids off -- honestly, it was a little scary/sad/worrisome. As long as BM was there during the drop off, SD would barely acknowledge me but then when BM left, she was back to what I'm used to.

SS5 hasn't been performing well at school. His teacher today sent us an email that says he won't stay on task, follow directions, or be honest. I'll admit that he has always had a bit of trouble with that, even here. But he's starting a cycle that I saw in preschool and it wasn't pretty. He's a good kid and he thrives on attention, but he seems to be asking for it in all the wrong ways at school. At BM's house he's been throwing more tantrums and just being an all around jerk. My partner asked BM what had happened at school and what sort of consequences he was in for. She got really defensive and claimed that we're not doing a good job of parenting him either so we should accuse her of it. I saw the texts, honest, he never said anything about ineffective parenting. Just "What happened at school? Are you grounding him?" He's been a handful here, but just like with SD5, we don't seem to get it as bad here.

Tell me, has anyone dealt with this? Am I completely losing my mind? It's like a slow train-wreck.