Traits Of The Alienator!

Parental Alienation is the act of a parent or person coaching/convincing the Children to "break away" from the other parent by way of brainwashing the Children into thinking badly of the targeted Parent often to the point of them refusing to having anything or little to do with that parent, in most cases the Children actually not only believe the words of the Alienator unconditionally at the time but are also coached in such a way as to believe that it is themselves that have made the decision to not love or want to see the other Parent.

Here are some of the traits and reasoning of the Alienator:

1.The alienator is so filled with anger, rage and hatred that they cannot see any further past that and their whole entire world is wrapped around making sure the other person hurts as much as they do. It is like they are blinded by their anger and hatred. They will blame anyone but themselves for the breakdown of a marriage or relationship, they will form support networks that isolate the other parent and they will appear to be the victim to many, choosing to fabricate stories about the situation in order to gain sympathy from anyone they can.

2.They were raised in a home where one of their parents was an alienator and it is the only thing they know about relationships. One person controls everyone and if you do not have control, then you are nothing. So they would not know how to have a relationship any other way nor would they know how to handle it any other way when they lose control over everyone, because to not be in total control means that you are a loser. Some alienators may have come from a single parent home with an upbringing that would suggest that because they did not have two parents growing up, their children do not need two either. Instead of allowing extra love it seems some alienators adopt the attitude of "I didn't have it growing up so they don't need it'. It becomes a power play of the alienator and alienated children against the world at all costs.

3.The alienator could have such low self-esteem that anyone putting them down or any inference that anything they were involved in was a failure, such as their marriage, would set them off, fighting to defend their honor and reputation. They are so protective of their image, that they will do anything to make sure that they stay looking like the perfect person and destroy everyone else around them to maintain that image. They can not let go of the past and they see no happy future, so if they are not happy, no one else can be. Material things matter to them and they will do all they can to maintain the life they feel they are entitled too, choosing not to be practical or to downsize for a short period. It gives them pleasure to bleed the other parent dry or create difficulty so that the other parent can not get ahead in life financially and emotionally. It is seen as fire if the other parent finds happiness again or goes from strength to strength especially after leaving the relationship. Becomes a competition at times.

4.The alienator's have warped views of themselves from low self- esteem issues. It puts them in such a fragile state of fear that they are no good unless they are seen as all good. They like to be people pleasers! They appear happy, chirpy and always there for others, trying to please and create the illusion that they are strong and independent. We all know that if that were the case they would simply move on in harmony and would not need the other parent's money, material possessions, the bitter feuds and they would want their children to have as much love as possible from both sides of the fence. Communicating with the ex would not be a problem and finding ways to heal would be their main concern for themselves and their children.

5.The alienator cannot accept responsibility for their actions and blame them on everyone else because how could they possibly be wrong. Everyone else is wrong. They forget that it takes two people when a marriage fails and that it could be something that they have done or that they did not do that lead to the state they are in. They delight in picking faults with the other parent especially where their children are involved and they will quite often point out these faults to family and friends to make themselves appear 'the better parent'. They will often accuse the other parent of things that they often do themselves but are not willing to admit and they almost always fail to realize that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, even though they think they are!

6.The alienator is so narcissistic in their beliefs that they are never wrong, to protect that image, they must make sure that they are always on top and that it is everyone's problem or fault. They are never wrong! They will never listen or take into consideration any plans or thoughts the alienated parent might have because they LOVE making the other parent feel belittled, alienated, and like they do not exist. It's funny though that alienators will deny parental rights of the other parent but yet they require parental assistance financially from them?

7.The alienator was never taught to take responsibility for their own actions and to be humble when they have made a mistake. They were raised that they could do no wrong, just like their own parent/s could do not wrong and thus it is everyone else who is wrong and so Instead they were raised to blame everyone else for their mistakes. They will praise their children unnecessarily rather than using discipline as they are out to make friends with their children in order to score brownie points. They want to be the good cop, which only stunts their child's mental growth and their ability to accept change, failure and deal with the real world. Sometimes their children become spoiled and over emotional.......through no fault of their own but the alienators! The children grow up in a very false environment and become companions to their alienators rather than children who are thirsting for boundaries, rules and striving to become better all-rounders. They are often forced into what the alienators choices are for them and are brainwashed into thinking that the alienator has really been there to support them and that the other parent hasn't. The children are lead to believe that the alienator has done it tough but has survived on their own.......little do they know that the alienator had chosen to cut the other parent out but kept taking their money!

8.The alienator is so terrified of losing their children that they have to paint this perfect picture of themselves and make the other person look so bad, to ensure that they do not lose their children and control. It's all about control and making you pay! If they are loved by the children what should they care about the damage it causes the ex being alienated?

9.The alienator is so terrified that they are not lovable that they force others to love them. They will often find it difficult to find lasting relationships after a failed marriage and can often find themselves trying to find someone in order to compete with their ex partner who has moved on successfully. This is where their children can sometimes take the role of 'best friend' or 'companion'.......a selfish and dangerous role to play!

10.The alienator is not a real good sharer. In other words, they do not know how to share love and happiness. Maybe because they had to share their parents and never got to understand that sharing is a good thing and feels really good to do. On the outside they appear so friendly and willing to help all, friends, family.....anyone in need. It's in a relationship that they don't fully grasp what it is to work as a team or to give love back. Like with their children most alienators look at their children as their own.....no one else's. It takes two people to produce a child and they seem to ignore this, which is sad. They will not share information, goals, dreams, activities that the children have or that they have for their children with the other parent and see that they are the primary role-model and that their view is the only view. You can almost guarantee though if the children do things with the other parent that the alienator wants full details, wants to be included and wants to be a part of it all in fear of missing out.....despite them denying these things all the time to the other parent. A parent who is constantly trying to be involved but denied.

11.The alienator often believes that by gaining total control of the children prior to any property settlement that they will benefit financially from this and that they will receive maximum ongoing financial support from agencies like child support and social security should they have significant custody of the children. You'll find some won't return to work because they will get better CS payments, some will refuse to give up all of the luxuries they once had as a family so the other parent will have to work even harder because they are being guilted into maintaining their children's and ex's lifestyle.....often going without themselves. The alienator will often make the other parent pay through their children and not being able to see them and through financial means. They do not care about the other parent or how financially or emotionally hard it will be for them. They would rather fight it out in court than take the proper and moralistic path, because going to court and challenging means the other parent will be highly stressed, will be financially out of pocket again and because they delight in seeing the other parent go to hell and back.

12.The alienator may have a disorder such as borderline personality disorder, they may suffer depression, they will often be unhappy in many areas of their lives, striving to find happiness rather than accepting it and working on things they can change. Some alienators will be highly dramatic and over the top, they will use their children to pursue failed dreams and goals of their own and they will almost always play the victim to friends and family and to their children who will no doubt be forced to side with them via brainwashing.

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The alienators "tools of trade".

Many alienators will not come out and degrade the targeted openly (although many do), some use more subtle methods and when you think you have heard it all more come to light, although some use only a few others use many, here are some;

1.Sympathy ... alienators often use sympathy to gain the loyalty of the children, this can be as simple as "he/she left us with no money and does not care about us", sympathy from friends and family is important also as the alienator sees this as loyalty, support and justification for their actions ... "I cry and miss you terribly when you stay over at his/her place", not hard to guess what the children are left with on this one, they do not want to see the alienator hurt, anyone for that matter but the targeted do not usually say things like this so the children do not think the alienator does miss them or get hurt when they are not with the targeted.

2.Emotional support ... by enlisting the children's emotional support the children become loyal at the cost of the other parent, here the alienator sets out to have the children feel sorry for the alienator and to have negative attitudes towards the targeted, the children are made to feel they have to support the alienator and in many cases are also made to feel that if they continue to love the targeted that the alienator will be let down. Children due to brainwashing will often place importance and a guard around the alienator and they are lead to believe that the alienator who is probably the primary caregiver, is the parent who is always there for them. Alienators will often express to the alienated parent that their children suffer when they are away from them, even in the tiny breaks that the alienated parent might get to share with their children. Alienators are needy and they LOVE to feel as though their children can not be happy or survive unless they are with them, they often ruin the child's time with the other parent because they are not in control and because they feel threatened that the children may have a good time without them.

3.False allegations of abuse ... one of the favorites, this can be and mostly is sexual abuse against the children, this is a biggy and hits hard to the innocent targeted parent and often results in that parent not seeing the children for some time or only under supervision after some time and then court proceedings all of which are expensive and emotionally draining, here the alienator is hoping the targeted will just give up and walk away or to give in to unreasonable demands, usually financial. They may accuse the other parent of physical abuse or emotional abuse, without ever admitting to lying or that they are the ones who are actually emotionally abusing their children. They feel no sense of guilt and have no actual real love for their children or concern for their children's well being and happiness. As long as they are seen to be the good parent and the victim they will do anything to stay on top.

4.Control ... the alienator has to feel in control and will do almost anything to get it and an example here is "if you do that then this may happen (bad)", leaving the children to make the decision that the alienator wanted all along. They will often confuse and coax their children into saying and doing things that are not typical things that children of their age would ever say or do......one child might not yet be able to have a complete and well structured conversation about things in general but yet can recite something that is deep and hurtful, without understanding what they have actually said. The child becomes confused and emotional not really knowing the damage and hurt that this can cause the alienated parent.

5.The power of Suggestive comments ... "you make sure that he/she looks after you when you are there, make sure that you get enough food and tell me if you don't", when a child hears this type of comment they immediately become suspicious and concerned with the targeted parent, and will often report negatively about their stay to the alienator knowing the alienator is expecting it. An innocent example may be that the child had a nightmare while away from the alienator, as most normal children will experience at some stage of their lives, when asked by the alienator about their stay they will twist what a young child might try to express but can't because they are over emotional or not yet able to clearly communicate. This is then rehearsed and used as an attack by the alienator towards the alienated parent as if they had scared or created a scary environment for their child to be subjected to while away from the alienator. They will twist the truth and they will successfully coax their children into saying what they want to hear. The children then become over sensitive, over dramatic and will often lie in order to please the alienator or so that the alienator will be almost proud of them every time they make up something negative about the other parent. Children lose all sense of what it real and what is not real and can often become daydreamers and over-imaginative thinkers who play dangerous games without knowing it.

6.Trying to buy love ... the alienator will most likely have the children prepared that should you give them something that they don't have at the alienators place their comment will be "you cannot buy our love with gifts", the real side of this is the children think they do not love you and that you cannot secure their love, the alienator will have gone to great lengths on this one so that whatever you do they may well refuse to love you. Children will also often compare the alienator's home to that of the alienated parents. Any attempt the alienated parent makes will often be put down or followed with comments like....."I already have that at mum/dad's house" or they will make the alienated parent feel second to that of the alienating parents efforts, because they have been brainwashed to think that way.

7.Name changing ... the alienator in many case's tries to change the children's surnames and has the children believe that their new name is a better name and possibly that your surname has a bad reputation and that is why the change, the alienator will have justified the attempt to change their name to the children in some way. Some alienators will make it a point to encourage their children to recognize their second/middle name as being more important to that of their last name. For example when the two parents were married the child was Andrew William Higgs or Andrew Higgs, after the divorce the child becomes Andrew William as the alienator prefers to use these names rather than admitting that the other parent has a connection.

8."Does he/she treat and speak to you properly" ... a simple thing like you raising your voice will be and indication to the children that you don't, by the time the alienator has finished with this one you will have shouted at them and the alienator will have said things like "if he/she shouted at you then he/she does not respect or love you", it is not the alienator making the decision about you, the children based on what the alienator has explained will make the decision that you do not respect or love them. This is a favorite method used by an alienator, just supply a well crafted and pointed basis for a decision and let them make it to the negative when it suits the alienator. The children will most likely be led to feel that you are not deserving of their love and affection because you treat them badly, anything that you may do or say apart from being perfect may be used against you in this way. The alienator will almost 'always' insist that your children are angels for them, especially if you as the alienated parent show concerns that they may have behavioral issues or that the children may lack in manners or discipline. If you are the alienated parent you can almost guarantee that the alienator will deny that the children ever play up or behave badly ever while with them, and that if they do for you it's because you are a bad parent. Alienators will allow their children to get away with a lot and will praise their children without cause or need, all adding to making sure the children love and side with them over the alienated parent who might just actually really care about where the children may be heading as teens and as adults.

9.Your family and friends ... in most cases the alienator will attempt to discredit them also ... "his/her brother, your uncle, is a fat alcoholic drug using nobody" ... now if this is true there may be some fair basis but by now it is true in the children's minds, especially if the uncle is fat, and whilst the alienator has not targeted you directly they have discredited you, by association. The alienator uses some fact to strengthen a lie and all the children see is the fact that the uncle is fat so the rest must be true. Discredit enough of your friends and family and you are discredited in the eyes of the children. Or on the other hand they will try to turn the alienated parents family and friends away from them, choosing to lie and make up hurtful rumors and lies that will not only hurt the alienated parent but that may just drive a wedge in between the alienated parents family and the relationship the alienated parent once had with them. The alienated parent will sometimes just move on without ever trying to win them back or trying to communicate with their family because they are damaged and hurt by the unfair siding the alienator has decided to cause. The alienated parent will often just give up and will allow the alienator to think they have won.

10.Home is where the heart is ... and rightfully so but the alienator takes every opportunity to drive this home and that their heart really belongs at the alienators place ... "are you happier here or over there" ... the children do not want to disappoint so they say here and if gone over enough it becomes reality, it is a lot easier for them that way and the end result is that they do not feel at home at the the other parents place hence no or little love or sense of belonging at the home of the targeted, end result is that they do not want to be there. The children will often from a young age refer to their house or home as being the alienator's and not the alienated parents. They see no room for two homes, or two loving parents, they have been brainwashed into thinking a home and love is from one parent and that two places can not possibly provide these things.

11."If you loved us you would just want us to be happy" ... and by now guess where they think (coached) they are the happiest ... "if you loved us you would just want us to be happy and you would not care what the judge said, you would let us go" ... this is a very difficult one as by the time they have got up the courage to say it (coached) then they really think it and then you become the bad guy by not letting them go. The alienator knows you won't so again you lose.

12.Holidays ... do not tell the children where you plan to take them on holidays, if you do they will most likely tell the alienator giving the alienator an opportunity to discredit the event by pointing out the dangers etc ... camping, "be careful of all the snakes and spiders" ... in the end the children are not keen to go and the excitement of it all is gone, you have made the bookings and they do not want to go but you go and they are angry with you even after they have settled down and ultimately enjoy the holiday ... "it is dangerous to take children camping in the bush" leaves the children thinking you are willing to put them in danger, not a good parent. Alienators will often take it upon themselves to take their children overseas or on trips without ever asking for the other parents thoughts or permission, but they will not allow the alienated parent to ever plan such trips. Again it's a control weapon that will belittle the other parent and it will make sure they know that the alienator is boss. Plus alienator's will always make sure their trips, times and outings are always bigger and better than what you as an alienated parent might have wanted to plan. Memories are not important to alienators, making sure they look like the biggest and best parent is key to them.

Sound familiar?