Tired and exasperated
Last night my husband and I came very close to getting in a fight over SD14. Problem is, he can't separate the fact that she's his child from her behavior, which is an issue.
Let me explain. SD14 is a slob. I don't think I should have to pick up after her continually. Husband has said the same. But he refuses to make her pick up after himself, and he won't do it either. So who is left? ME!
Last night took the cake because I was fed up. SD left her plate from lunch Sunday on the kitchen counter, then put her bowl from dinner Sunday night in the sink (instead of the dishwasher). Last night I find her plate from dinner on the couch in the living room.
In addition, she never pushes in her chair at the table. I have asked husband repeatedly to have her do this. Instead, he does it for her. Last night she "pushed it in," which meant it was not pushed in at all. When I asked husband to have her push it in (we can't get past the table when the chair is out), he said, "Well, it's in more than it was yesterday, isn't it?" Are you kidding me?
Millions of little things that add up to drive me crazy. Like when she takes the trash out she drops trash on the floor in the kitchen and leaves it. This time is it the paper from a panty liner. I don't want to have to pick it up, but I wouldn't want it on the floor when company came over. She didn't put a trash bag in the trash can, so trash is accumulating in the bottom (including dirty diapers). When she does put it in she will leave that stuff in the bottom of the can. Last time I told my husband she needed to do something about it, he cleaned it up himself. Or using the throw on the couch and not refolding it, instead dropping it in a heap on the floor in the living room. I pick it up and fold it and put it over the back of the couch, and she repeats her actions the next night.
AARGH! Why does he think it is OK for her to be a slob and NO ONE should have to pick up after her? It doesn't work that way!
Not to be mean..
Not to be mean, but sounds like maybe you should let it go. Look at the bigger picture. When she is 30 and has a beautiful child of her own, that you want to be a part of, will all that matter?
SD lives with us
So her habits have come directly from her father not caring. He hates to have things out of place in the house, but it's impossible to keep things in their place all the time when you also have a 4yo and a 1yo. He seems to think he should only have to hold SD14 to the same standard of behavior as he holds BD4. For example, if SD14 is to vacuum the living room, he doesn't think she should have to pick anything up to do it. So he will pick up for her.
Meanwhile, as part of BD4's chores I make her pick up, even my stuff or her baby sister's or my husbands. I don't differentiate. But he keeps score. It's infuriating.
Last night, after my second request for him to have SD14 do something, he said, "Why don't you tell her yourself?" And I said, "Oh no. SD's behavior is your responsibility, remember? That's the way you want it." (We arrived at this arrangement after a counselor told us the only way to save our marriage was for me to stop dealing with SD's behavior and let husband handle it.)
The same apathy exists at my
The same apathy exists at my house. The two SD can not put things in the dishwasher, hang up towels, bring used glasses out of their rooms, throw away wrappers, not even close kitchen cupboards.
Their BF is the same way, but like the criminal justice system I believe that adults are set in their ways where children can be reformed.
If I pointed out the majority of things I would sound like the yucky naggin SM I dont want to be. For instance this morning, I reminded them to please put their assemblance of glasses and juice boxes in the dishwasher or garbage before visiting a relative in the morning. I reminded each of them multiple times even though they passed by them and saw them there. After reminding SD about throwing her juice box away she did it but left the straw on the table so I asked her to please throw it away too.
They dont hang up towels. They come to me only when completely out of towels (because I am just here to provide maid-style services) and I tell them I might have a clean one for them did they a). hang up their towel and b). perhaps have any towels they want me to wash cause I ask them all the time but get no towels to wash. Their answer is always that they forgot.
Tough because they are not my kids. I would have to remind them constantly and feel like Im all over because their level of apathy is so high.