I didn't marry DH until 09/2008 but my involvment with the BM started way before that. Decisions that are made with you not only show his respect for you, but they also let the BM know that HE respects you and that your relationship is a priority.
I still have moments of insecurity. Not because of her appearence (she's not a beauty queen, but she does have nice arms...LOL). It's because she had 12 years with MY hubby. She had him when he was younger, fertile, energetic and rich..lol. She had 3 kids with him, I haven't. She was there to watch him sail away for deployment and greet him when he returned, I wasn't. She watched him graduate college, I didn't. It's a whole past SHE had with him that I wasn't a part of. But you know what... He's faithful to ME. He comes home to ME, he holds me every night and looks into MY eyes, not hers. No matter how much crap she can throw at us, she cannot break us apart and I REFUSE to let that troll have any influence in my marriage. (I'm still working on it but I can feel it getting better)....

My DH's ex was evil. We have been through so much and it has cost over $30,000. We went for custody only for her to give up their D at the final hearing. Then soon after she signed over her rights. The years (4) that I had to deal with her were so horrible. Every conversation was lies and yelling! She was so mean, manipulative and psycho. We had to get Brinks home security because she was stealing our trash trying to "find something" on us. I was scared of her and her goth friends. But the worse part was the way she would brainwash our (my daughter now-I adopted her) daughter. So much drama. Even a text from her would make me crazy for 2 days. She wrote us off in 2007 and I never had to deal with her again. She died this year. My husband says he has forgiven her, but I haven't. How can I still be so resentful and angry at a dead women?? It's pretty pathetic that she is controlling me even from hell. I don't know what to do. I need a counselor too but don't know who can help.

When I first met DH the relationship between himself and his ex was pretty bad. She was controlling and everything was her way or no way. I couldn't stand that he was at her beck and call and she blames me (rightfully so) for putting an end to it. She HATED me and this was before I even spoke to her. The first conversation I had with her was both of us screaming at each other over a stupid thing. My DH had the nerve to let me come when he dropped his son off at her house. She threatened to kick me out of the house (her name was still on the mortgage even though the courts gave it to DH). She was calling me names and I simply pointed out that she was real mature and a great mother for screaming such nasty stuff in front of her 6 year son. From that day 3 years ago to now she still hates me. I never talk to her, I will text her from my DH's phone about my SS but DH knows this and I always tell him what I am writing (mostly it consists of "hey what time will you drop SS off tomorrow" or "SS has a dentist appointment and I -meaning DH- will pick him up in the morning"). However DH will not make a decision without me. When EX calls and asks to get SS early or drop him off early or if she can have him for a few hours DH ALWAYS asks me first then tells EX. I can't say I mind that he sometimes goes home early I don't really care but I love that DH asks me first it makes me feel like I had some say in the decision. If I were you I wouldn't communicate with the BM. I wouldn't call her or text her. Let DH do the talking just make sure he doesn't give any anwsers without talking to you first, especially if it will affect you. I find it is easier to deal with her and not let her ruin my days but just not talking to her. I do communicate with her she just doesn't know it. So again my advice would be to let DH deal with her, he can get the information from her, discuss it with you and then you 2 can make a decision which he can relate back to her.

"I am married to my spouse not the X. Pissing off the X (Blended Family Opposition) is a sport and I LOVE IT! I do what I believe to be in the best interest of the Kid(s)"

Truly, when you learn to love baring the XW's ass every chance she gives you, you will take control and she will loose it. Let her be the one to dread any interface with you. You are the one in control of how you react and in control of how you and your FH interface. If she was good for him you would not be in the picture so be confident in yourself and in the absolute knowledge that you are focused on the best interests of the Kid(s).

The key is to keep a big old shit eatin grin on your face every time you speak or interface with her. Let her wilt in your beaming happiness and righteous indignation of her toothless moron crap.

Remember above all else the SHE is part of his past. That is all she will ever have of your FH. You are his present and his future. Let her have his past and don't lament it.

I was married once prior to being married to my wife. My Wife is younger than I am and we often do things that I have done sometime prior to meeting my Wife. Experiencing things with my Wife is amazing even if it is something I have done before. The joy is in experiencing it with her. I don't let my XW have any more of me or my energy than she has already consumed. I am sure your FH has a similar perspective on the XW/BM.

Your own her ass, now act like it.

Just my thoughts of course.

Good luck and best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

So I read somwhere that even after a divorce an ex thinks she has the right to demand whatever she wants becuase the were married. The DH become in case of emergency break galss to the BM.
It was not until my DH and I started livng together that I realized BM called everyday and dinner and just screamed at DH for an hour at dinner time
for no reason. He would actualy put down the phone and walk away. After about a week of this I said I am nto tolerating that. It is not good for my kids to hera the truckers vocabulary at teh end of the line. He had said well I just have to deal with it to keep her off my back and not create problems with seeing my son.
Bear in mind he has court ordered visitation. So I said not in my house. So he quit ansering his cell. Then she started calling him at work and was such a disruption that he coudl not do his job. So he sent her an email and copied me on it that the communcation would only be restricted to e mail. So even though th ee mails were viscious he was able to not respond. DD is 16 years old now and we only communicate through him now. Bear in mind I have never met her and it has been 4 years now. Most of the pople that know her have told me I am better off not meeting her. We have her child support paid automatically so we do not have to deal wth her at all. Sometimes its the best way. we hope as he is heading to 18 the only time we will have to have communication is when he gets married.

short and curlies. Keep it up and don't let her rudeness and turn the quality with which you were raised against you. Rude people are often seen as disturbing to those of who were raised right. I have learned to treat rude people with utter disdain and let them know in no uncertain terms that their rude,crass and petty behavior is just that...... rude, crass and petty. It is usually pretty easy to shake their already tenuous grasp on self confidence so learn to enjoy barring their asses every chance they give you to do it. Of course, be polite about it and just lead them down the path that you want them to go as far as publicly and very noticeable proving their idiot nature.

Keep an air of superiority and righteous indignation about her slovenly appearance and petty behavior and you will stay in control. Don't let her interject herself in to your relationship with your husband.

As I said earlier in this thread, if she was good for him you would not be in the picture. All she has of your DH is his past. You are his present and future. Be confident and let her dwell on the past and eat your dust as you and DH move on to a wonderful life together.

Live well. That is the best revenge and the best way to keep the XW/XH off balance and stay under their skin. If you invest in staying happy, they can't get under yours.

Good luck and best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

I think you need to change the way you think, this woman is so bothered by you, she makes so much effort to f*** with your life, you must drive her absolutely crazy, you know you have already won, Im not saying she isn't a crazy bitch, she is bereft of pride or any class, you must never let her know that she has upset you again, that gives her power over you, what a sad pathetic life she must have, I feel kind of sorry for the silly woman, she has'nt done herself any favours has she? Whatever it takes you must regain some peace of mind, disengage, meditation, counselling whatever, once you find some coping strategies, she just won't bother you as much and how it will hurt her to she that she just dos'nt get to you anymore!

I went to counselling for the first time last week for my step problem. The focus started on my ss but it wasn't long before it got on to her.
She drives me bat shit crazy. She is everything I hate about a woman. She has never worked but chooses to continue having children, she cant be in a relationship for more than 3 months without getting pregnant. She is fake and spends all her time and money on her looks (and ends up looking a state). She is vicious, immature, manipulative, 2 faced and scheming. She used my fdhs details to order herself stuff after they split. It ruined his credit history and he is paying it off monthly. He argued this with her, she threatened to not let him see her son if he wanted her to pay. She is a bad mother, my ss is messed up emotionally and underdeveloped in all areas. At 1 year of age he drank paint stripper in her care. Who leaves that out unattended with a 1 year old? He gets burns that look like they are from hair straightners. He couldn't talk until he started pre-school at 3.5 years, he tells us mummy just puts him in his room and he watches tv. He needs speech therapy but she wont allow it as she finds it humiliating. Dinner is always frozen crap/ready meals. She left him home alone while she went to sleep with her neighbour (cheating on her current boyf). She insists shes a good mum. She thinks I should pay her money (deluded!). Thats the point I got involved. I text her and said im not paying for your child and dont mention my name. I dont get involved unless she mentions me. You have every right to get involved if she mentions you. And counselling should help you.

Forgot to add: I never lose my cool with her. I haven't sworn at her or called her names. I have text her that 1 time and remained dignified and mature. She carries on trying to be difficult but thats because I'm not reacting. She thinks I'm not bothered and she can't stand it.
I am superior to her in all aspects and she knows it.

If there is anything you should be learning from your situation it is:

Those kids are not yours and you should not be dealing with BM. All of your drama will go away if you disengage and your FH steps up to the plate to deal with his own sh*t. All of that is his problem, not yours. Let HIM take care of it whilst you take a supportive role.