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SS17 has job, pays for own things

mixedemotionsaboutstepdaughter's picture

Is it wrong for us to make SS17, who has a job, to pay for his own school clothes, lunches, etc.? He thinks it's wrong. We told him we're not going to buy him anymore clothes if he can't keep them clean, hung up, folded, put away...not all thrown on the floor (which is where we always find them). As for the lunch money, I have offered to put money in his account at the school...but, he refuses to eat cafeteria food. And, I refuse to give him cash to eat elsewhere because I know he'll spend the money on things he shouldn't be buying. Or, he'll blow it all in one day and I can't just keep giving him more money. So, I just want to see what you all think about this. Thanks.

zerostepdrama's picture

Well you should be supplying some time of wardobe, as he is still a minor and in HS.

As for lunches, he can either pack or eat the cafteria food. If he doesnt like that, then yes he can buy his own food.

AllySkoo's picture

Agreed, you should be buying clothing - of YOUR choice and within YOUR budget. If he wants $200 sneakers then yeah, he can buy them himself. If the clothes on the floor bother you, who paid for them probably isn't going to resolve that, so you might want to figure something else out. (Or just shut his door.)

As for the food, yes, he's a minor you need to buy his food - but again, food of YOUR choice and within YOUR budget. That means he can brown bag it or you can open a cafeteria account, but if he wants something else it's on him to pay for.

In other words, you're sort of looking at this wrong. Yes, you are responsible for food and clothing. As long as you provide those things, you're good. If SS decides to buy extra because he can afford it though, that's on him - he doesn't get to decide how to spend your money!

CliffHanger31's picture

You hit it on the head here. We provide the necessary. Adequate food, clothing, and shelter- gifts when deserving or for special occasions. Everything else is excess when young people are close to adulthood. Those things SS17 can save up for. Let him save otherwise so he can move on to the next phase after high school.

Willow2010's picture

Once my kids were that age, I just gave them a set amount of money for clothing at the beginning of the school year. They made it work how ever they wanted to. I also gave them a set amount for lunches. They made that work how they wanted to also.

They bought their own clothes once they spent the money I gave them. They bought their own food once they ran out of money I gave them for lunches. IMHO...you (DH) should be buying the kids clothing and food. But just the amount you want to give him. Give him money for the cafeteria, if he goes out to eat, then he pays the extra.

ksmom14's picture

I agree with the others, you should provide food/money for food within your budget, if he doesn't like what you have to offer he can spend his own money on what he wants.

As for the clothes, I think it depends, does he need more clothes because he doesn't have anything clean to wear because it's sitting on his floor? If that's the case then no, I don't think you need to buy him more clothes, he's old enough to be responsible to keep his stuff clean. If he needs new clothes because his current clothing does not fit or is worn out then yes, I feel you still need to provide the basics. Now that doesn't mean the most expensive designer clothing, keep it within your means.

Also, if it's an ongoing issue that he won't keep his clothes picked up and clean and you've given him fair warning that you will not buy him more clothing until he cares properly for what he already has, then I don't see a problem with you calling your bluff. He's old enough to know better, and if he won't listen to anything else you gotta hit him in the wallet!

SS12 continually lost lunch boxes, over and over and over again because he's just so forgetful (with certain things...he most certainly has NEVER lost his beloved IPod touch!) and does not pay attention. After a while DH made him start paying for a new lunch box out of his piggy bank each time he lost one. It definitely helped, we've had the same one for a year now!

mixedemotionsaboutstepdaughter's picture

I agree with what you've said. He really doesn't NEED new clothes, because he has several that are in good shape and still fit. It's that we're tired of him not taking care of his personal belongings (things that we spent money on in the past for him to have). Not only that, but he thinks he can go to the mall and all of the high end stores to buy clothes and we simply can't afford that. As for his lunches, DH told him to pack. He refuses to do that. I offered to put money in his account so he could eat actual cafeteria meals, but he refuses because he says it's "nasty". So, as we see it, he has had two completely reasonable and decent offers both of which he refused. So, our stand point is then to say but it yourself. We are trying to teach him responsibility. He does his own laundry, but still has to be reminded regularly to check his pockets...and that usually goes unheard and then I'm chewing him out and making him clean my washer and dryer out from his messes. We're counting down the months for him to turn 18. DH said he has no problem with telling him to get out at that time, especially if he continues to think he can get away with this extreme lazy mode that he's in.

Just J's picture

My mom stopped the big back-to-school shopping sprees with me once I was in high school and earned money baby sitting. She would buy me a few necessities, a couple pairs of jeans and a pair of shoes, but anything beyond that, especially name brand stuff, was on me. Once I got an actual job, the clothing purchases by my parents were gone altogether. Maybe something here or there, but by senior year, I was buying school clothes entirely on my own. And I didn't think my parents were unreasonable. As far as lunch, if I wanted to bring it from home, I was welcome to anything in the pantry. But my mom, not once, provided me money to get fast food with my friends, nor did I feel she was responsible for doing so.

If your SS has plenty of clothes that still fit him, and are in wearable condition, I don't see why you need to provide him more. I can see maybe a pair of (non-name brand) sneakers and a pair or two of jeans if he needs them, but the rest he should provide himself. And for lunches, you have given him a more than fair option, and he chooses not to accept it, so he can be on his own for lunch. Parents should not have to pay for their 17 year old kids to eat lunch out with their friends. Please.

Delilah's picture

It seems to me that your rules are reasonable imo.

You dont HAVE to buy him new clothes if he doesnt look after the clothes he has and he doesnt NEED any new ones. My brother would constantly lose new expensive brand clothing from sheer carelessness, or ruin them because he didnt look after them when he was a teen (in fact he is still the same now as an adult). The difference is, that he can be as irresponsible with his own belongings as much as he likes now that he pays for these things himself, however my parents would go nuts when he just didnt care. In the end they refused to purchase nice expensive stuff for him and imo if you have warned your ss that he needs to treat his clothes more responsibly but doesnt, then if he desperately WANTS something then as he works he can pay for it himself. Perhaps then he will learn the value of his belongings, realise how long you have to work to buy these things and start treating them respectfully. I am certainly not of the school of thought you MUST buy either bios or skids their hearts desires, including necessities IF they wreck their stuff,they can go without and learn that with poor decison making comes consequences.

As for lunches, well you have offered to pay for his food but thats not good enough. Well tough, he can go without or put his hand in his own pocket. I too wouldnt hand over cash, esp if he cannot be trusted with your money. I suspect if he is forced to pay for these things himself he will soon change his tune and realise that he either respects his clothes, eats in the school cafe or he pays/goes without. Perhaps he can take a packed lunch if the cafe isnt good enough?!

christag's picture

If he buys his own things, then it's more difficult to have control over what he buys and what is or isn't acceptable. When my SD was still living at home in high school, she had her own money from her late mother and from grandparents. If she wanted an outfit that was too revealing, she could buy it herself. She didn't need to do chores around the house for money, she didn't need to ask her dad for money to go to a concert or go on a trip with friends. Having her own money made her completely unreliable on her dad.

That kind of control is important. If teens need money from you, then they have to ask and then they have something they want that gives you leverage.