Should Ignoring SM be Dealt with as Disrespect?
My SD11 totally ignores me every time we go to one of her softball games. I thought it was because her mother was there, but her mother has actually said to her, "Say hello to SM" when she said hello to her dad and ignored me.
Last Friday I kinda reached the end of my rope with it and went "invisible" for a few hours (which was nice and kinda fun), but after DH and I went to bed, I told him I thought he should say something to SD about her disrespect. He assured me he would sit her down and talk to her about it, but of course, nothing happened because I got over it and was "visible" the next day (stupid me...I have a problem holding grudges.)
DH has reminded SD11 several times to speak to me. She always looks startled, like she totally didn't see the full grown woman sitting next to her dad. I don't WANT him to remind her anymore. I want him to deal with her disrespect.
So am I wrong? Is it not blatantly disrespectful to ignore your stepmother? I think it is.
I think as common courtesy, a
I think as common courtesy, a child should acknowledge every adult that they know when they meet them--that's how I was raised. No exceptions unless they're pedophiles or people who could hurt them.
I always love your responses,
I always love your responses, Foxie!
^^^^Yep - I agree totally
^^^^Yep - I agree totally with Foxie...
I agree. It's absolutely
I agree. It's absolutely disrespectful to ignore you. SS14 and SS8 do it to me every time they come back from BM's. DH lights into them every time. It's not acceptable. Your SD doesn't have to like you, but she does have to acknowledge and respect you. Your DH needs to get on her or it won't change. If he doesn't say anything to her, she can assume he's condoning it.
I agree with everyone else.
I agree with everyone else. She does have to be polite to you. Not all buddy buddy but polite. Don't buy her fun things for awhile.
I did make my debit card
I did make my debit card disappear that night. On the way home she wanted me to take her into the gas station and buy her some snacks and I refused. But like I said, I'm horrible at holding a grudge and I HATE conflict around the house. I don't want to have to spend all weekend ignoring her. I told DH last week I wasn't going to any more ballgames. He said if I wasn't going, he wasn't going either. I hate for him to miss her ballgames. He seems to enjoy watching her play.
The only thing that I think
The only thing that I think you should have done differently would be to not refuse but when she spoke to you in wanting something, right then and there, you should have pretended you heard nothing. Reciprocate her actions. Say it went something like this, "SM, I want a Dr. Pepper and a snickers." Without saying a word to her, get out of the car, go in the store (if she follows you that is fine but you are pretending she doesn't exist), get yourself either what she wanted to something very similar, go to checkout (if she picked anything up while in the store and sets it on the counter look at the cashier, move your things toward him or her, and say "Just these, thanks.", go back to the car, and eat it." Continue to pretend she is not in existence until DH says something like, "Do you not hear her?" and say, "Oh, no, I didn't. I'm sorry. Did she say something?" and then go back to normal. She will get the point. The reason I say this, is because the fact that you refused gave her exactly what she wanted. And this is something I learned the hard way with my SD. She is trying to engage you in any kind of negative behavior she can get from you. Don't give it to her unless there is something that must be addressed by you right at that moment. It kills them when they try as hard as they can to hurt you and are met with indifference.
I too agree that it's totally
I too agree that it's totally disrespectful and it can be a pathway to other forms of disrespect also. I've heard the argument that you should 'pick your battles' and not worry about smaller stuff, but letting the little things go just leads to bigger things. My SD15 does the same thing and too many times I ignore it (and DH doesn't notice it until I point it out later). We're going to try to make a joke out of it next time, like "we REALLY need to get your eyes tested...". Unfortunatly BM totally ignores me also - looks right through me, won't acknowledge my existence even if standing right in front of me and I say hello. So SD learns that behaviour is ok
(I realise being totally ignored by BM is something many people her probably actually fantasise about and i should could myself lucky!!! - I do apart from that SD therefore thinks that kind of behaviour is ok).
If she still keeps wanting to
If she still keeps wanting to pull this stuff I'd give her a day of no response from you.
I don't mean not talking to her. I mean like pretending she is invisible. Putting dinner on the table for everyone but her. Asking others if they want something. Passing out treats to everyone but her. Piling in the car without her. Not to be mean but as a lesson. I'd never do that to a 5 year old but at her age she could handle being treated poorly for a couple of hours to see what it is like.
Sometimes concrete lessons work better than anything else.
My SK's are the masters when
My SK's are the masters when it comes to ignoring me. I ignore back.
A long time ago, before I quit caring, I wanted DH to talk to them and "do something" about it. Big mistake. By him talking to them, it validated that they were getting to me which in turn prompted them to continue ignoring me.
Now, they get what they give. Emotionally, financially, everything. When they are here on the weekends, they get nothing from me. DH is in charge of either making sure they clean their room or he does it himself. Bed linens? DH washes them and then gets frustrated because as late teens they have NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE A BED so he has to do it. I guess they told DH the computer in their room was "broken" the other day -- this is the 4th desktop in 6 years that has been in that room. DH asked me if I would either take a look at it or call for an appointment to get it fixed. Nope, haven't put that on my "to do" list yet (and I never will).
I heard the one complaining that my son got new sports equipment (SK and DS play the same sport) and wanted to know if he was going to get some too. DH can't afford it and BM won't sacrifice any of her CS for things like that. And I'm CERTAINLY not paying for it (I'm talking HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS). SK can boo hoo all he wants but if I'm not good enough to give a simple "hello" to, I'm certainly not good enough to buy him stuff.
I REFUSE to live by the mantra my DH wanted me to live by: Open your heart, your home, your wallet but keep your damned mouth shut.
Why do you go to the game?
Why do you go to the game? Personally I would not waste my time at any of her games, especially if you feel you are treated badly.
The ONLY reason I go is
The ONLY reason I go is because DH wants me to go with him. He won't go without me and I don't want him to miss his daughter's games.
I get that you go to the
I get that you go to the games because your DH wants you there. However, he isn't giving you anything that you want in regards to the SD ignoring you situation, so screw him! He can either come up with some consequences for the skid's bratty behavior or go to the games alone. I would NOT sit at ANY of my SD's games after being treated so poorly and could not care less if DH wanted me to or not. If he wants his wife at the games, he can deal with his daughter's disrespectful behavior.
He won't go without you? That
He won't go without you? That is ridiculous. He can go watch his kid play a game alone. You don't need to got with him.
I have been where you are but
I have been where you are but I dont have the answer. How does one deal with her being disrespectful. Does he force her to speak to you and if so how dysfunctional and defiant will she make it because he has forced her.
Dont do what I did and keep asking DH to deal with it. She obviously has a deep seeded issue with you (imagine that) so calling her out shouldnt make things worse then they already are.