Should I take the plunge?

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Hi all, newish here, been reading some posts and getting more and more confused. My situation (will try and keep it short!). I'm divorced, been with SO for 7 years (also divorced), don't live together and I love my independence. He only lives a mile away. He has daughter, 12, and son, 15 who he sees every other weekend and a night in the week, so a third of the month. He pays BM a significant amount (even when he was out of work, grrr!). He wants us to buy a house together, I'm wobbling. His kids are OK, but I just don't like kids. Haven't got any and don't want any. When we talked about moving in together we wanted to move 2 hours away to the south coast, then it changed to he didn't want to be more than an hour away, then I found a house 20 mins away which was perfect, and that was too far, now he has told me he wants to stay in the same town for his kids. Argh!! I would prefer to move somewhere more rural. I would be putting a lot more money into 'our' house as I own and he rents. I dread it becoming 'their' house that I happen to live in. He does spoil them and I can't say anything against them as he gets all defensive, even silly things. I would rather wait till they are 18, so it's make or break for us really. I don't really get involved with his kids when it's not 'our' weekend which suits me.

He is a wonderful man to me, very loving, considerate (most of the time), funny, caring, faithful, but I know I will never be number one in his life.

Do you think this is a sacrifice worth making?

Thanks, Echo. Forgot to add,

Thanks, Echo. Forgot to add, if it was just him then we would have lived together years ago...

Ha ha! And GG wanted to

Ha ha! And GG wanted to marry me b/c he thought he would be automatically entitled to my house!! Echo, did your husband complain about this? Was he in the situation that you were the breadwinner and without you, he'd have no home?

How funny, as I was in the

How funny, as I was in the same situation and did the EXACT same thing as Echo. No way was I going to lose my investment in this 4-bedroom home (all mine from the moment the foundation was poured). My DH lived in a dinky apt and his ex was on her 3rd eviction. This house and any proceeds from it will be maintained by me and/or my children. period.

If it aint broke, don't fix

If it aint broke, don't fix it.

I would consider yourself

I would consider yourself lucky that the kids are 12 and 15 - not so long to go before they're legally independent. I agree with previous posters. Wait until the kids are gone. I desperately wanted to move to Alaska, but my SO has primary custody of his kids... they all live with me... and it does become their house. My SO's kids are 3, 6, 7. I never planned on having kids and it's a HUGE transition. But even if you did move in together, at least he only gets his kids every other weekend and once a weekday, that's not so bad. I've started the countdown game... 15 years, 4 months until the last one is 18. He's ok with moving once they're older, but that's a big sacrifice. I was living alone for several years before they moved in, if you have a routine with your SO, that change may change the dynamics of your relationship. Then again, his kids are part of him probably something he considers just as important as you are, and pretending they aren't there could one day change the dynamics too.

*14 years and 4 mos

I was in exactly the same

I was in exactly the same situation you are now three years ago. Had I known then what I know now, I would have maintained separate living arrangements. Kids are bad but teens are AWEFUL!!!!!

^^^^^^ YES!!!!!^^^^^^

My advice, WAIT UNTIL THE

My advice, WAIT UNTIL THE SKIDS ARE 18 AND OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!!! Stepfamily experts say between the age of 10 and 16 is the most horrible time to get married, or in other words, move in together. You guys obviously have lived separate for a long time and you love the situation- that has answered your own question!

I would love to live 1 mile away and ENJOY my relationship with my husband. My skids live with us full time and my life is very little about me and the love of my life. If this is the transition you're ready for, then go for it, otherwise, beware.

No guarantee they'll be "18

No guarantee they'll be "18 and out of the house" in this day and age of coddling. They may be 26 and still living with daddykins. And in a lot of states 21 is the norm for CS to end or "until Junior graduates college" which can be never never land.

As Kathryn Hepburn said "A man in my LIFE, not in my HOUSE!"

I so do NOT recommend living with a man with a "first family."

So traumatic I wrote a book about it which is now on Amazon.

My husband recently explained

My husband recently explained to me:

"I do not consider children to be adults until they start acting as such, stop asking me for advice* all the time and money all the time."

*By the way - the "advice" he means is mega-sugar-coated. That "advice" entails DH DOING everything for them, for example...calling his son's car mechanic who is 4 hours away from us because baby boy does not understand there are actually options when getting a battery and can't handle it. Rough life...tuition paid for bachelor's and an assistanceship awarded for his masters.

Might not sound so crazy...but what does that mean to my DH? That means his adult children (even the one who is a married homeowner almost finished with law school) are really just kids. I'm not kidding you. I am not saying this in sarcasm!

That means to DH that his CHILDREN should not be expected to act as adults. It is all up to them to decide when to "grow up" (get this LMAO) because they are adults.

And my husband believes this all makes sense.

Auteur- what is the name of

Auteur- what is the name of your book?!?!

The Guilty Parent Trap

Auteur, that is so true. It

Auteur, that is so true. It takes kids forever to be gone. And then, they come back. I would not buy a house with this guy ever if it were me. You said you own a house now? So, yours would be the greater investment. Good luck feeling like it's yours when his kids are leaving their crap laying around and he says you're over reacting and that it's HIS house too. I hate sounding negative, but man I can't stand these weak-ass fathers who fail to see any failures, short-comings, or personality flaws in their kids.

Sunny, take the skids out of

Sunny, take the skids out of the translation, and moving and/or buying a house. In your second sentence you stated " I love my independence". Nuff said. Don't do anything you'll deeeply regret, listen to these wise ladies' examples to keep you strong.

So true...I'm probably just

So true...I'm probably just trying to comfort myself saying until they're 18. I'm already living with the first family I am telling husband now, what I will put up with in the future and what I will not. He can choose whether or not he wants to have a partnership with me, so far, he does. I just know what is important to me and what I am not willing to tolerate. You may want to have these sorts of conversations and see if you two can reach a middle ground of agreement if this is the man you want to spend your life with.

True the kids will never "go away" but you can have an amazingly strong partnership that will make it through the storms... IF this is the man you want.

You are indeed all wise

You are indeed all wise ladies! I feel like I can't win - if we buy a house (by the way I WOULD MOST DEFINITELY protect my investment) then I'm completely compromising myself, if we don't then I lose the man I love. I don't think in a way he is being unreasonable - we have been together for 7 years, not 7 months! And he wants us to move on together. But I do feel like I'm doing the 'giving in' just so I don't lose him. Oh to have a crystal ball.... We are both scared that we will end up being unhappy, but scared not to try.